Current mood:

depressed

I have said this before, I know.
I just had a breakdown. I just can't do this anymore. I am literally losing everyone I care about for one reason or another. none of them are GOOD reasons either. Most of them are people I love or have loved in the past. I was in love with Matt tho he never knew, he was young and didnt understand what was behind my actions and words....he thought i just liked him and i could never come out and tell him i loved him cuz I knew in the back of my mind he had a string attached to someone else. I was right in the end and now we dont talk unless i initiate the conversation and the feelings of friendship arent really even there anymore. I miss him so much as a friend that it hurts. He used to text me every day. I wanted to e-mail him and tell him about it but I am not sure if he is with his ex or not and I dont want him to be between a rock and a hard place because I was too chicken to tell him when I had a chance how I really felt about him.

I wont be able to chill with chris anymore. He is like the only real friend I have now days to hang out with, dick around with, joke around and shoot the shit with. I WANTED to see if I could be friends with my ex...yes most of you know him as...well...bad things and bad words lol and rightfully so but I cant mentally do that anymore. I break down when I think about our past.

I cant move forward with anyone because of the feelings i still have for people in the past...because I hold onto the idea of hope for us. Like Garm.... He has professed to me how much he likes me and how before he met me he dreamt of the perfect girl and it was me. Im not perfect but he loves to think so. Umbra from last night keeps asking me to go out. All of these people are really nice but I just cant fucking do it. I dont know why its like my heart has planted its foot in the ground and refuses to let me go through boot camp again.... im fucked up....i dont know how to fix myself.