i guess i just have to take it day by day
I thought you were suppose to grow stronger after you've made mistakes. Why do i feel so guilty and helpless. And why do i still have strong feelings for him after he put me through so much shit? And why would he call me crying? Saying that he felt guilty about everything and he thinks that we made a mistake having the abortion. Why would you tell me this now? Now when I'm not even handling it well. Everyday after i had that done i've done nothing but cry, bc i feel like a let everyone down, and im thinking you know what about the innocent child i had inside of me, i could of raised it...sure it would of been HARD but I'm sure i would of had plenty of support..maybe not so much from my family but theres help out there. Then I look at my sister, and I always told myself i never wanted to end up like that, and i was you know doing what i thought was helping preventing from getting pregnant, birth control and yada yada...but i guess the best thing is to just not have sex.
I just hate feeling like this, and I just feel like i have noone to talk too. Which i know i do but its just i dont know i dont get what i need from talking to them. I still feel like shit about everything. I guess only time can heal a broken heart. I hate still having feelings for him too. Day to day i think of him and wondering if he misses me or thinks about me even just for a second. i dont think i would of gone through with this if i knew i would be taking it so hard. Before i went to have it done i did think out of all my options and all of them i felt like i would be a emotional wreck.
I've been listening to that britney spears song-someday i will understand...and i feel like its so perfect. I believe in heaven and i think everyone who dies goes there, and i think about the abortion and i know that the kid is in heaven, and i just want him/her to know that i am terribly sorry and i hope someday they will understand.
I thought that it would be an easy thing to go through you know since i didnt like see it in person or anything, but the thought that i actually had something living and growing inside of me and i took it away, it kills me. And im really afraid im gonna go into like a mental break down. And i dont need to go through that, i can't but its so hard to handle all of this right now. I just need a hug and someone to tell me everything will be okay and to just be here for me. And i feel even worse now bc i just got the job at my moms work [ IRS ] so i'll be making 2700 a month and im thinking wow you knwo i could of kept that baby and made it pretty good.
I think man if i would of been able to go to KENT this past fall i wouldnt of been in this situation, i would of never met him, i would of been doing the college thing which is what i want more than anything... so there i go again just putting myself down.
Well it really feels good to be able to get everything out, it doesnt help the crying stop but it helps a little. Someday i will be okay i hope..
scribbld is part of the horse.13 network
Design by Jimmy B.
Logo created by 
hitsuzen.
Scribbld System Status
