Yeah, for real.  Why the hell am I still up at 7 in the morning when I clearly don't have to be up.  I could have slept in today.  Cunt.  Oh well, I guess I did tell her to wake me up, and that's okay.  So yesterday was the last day of mini-camp.  It was very hot, and I got burnt like toast.  Piss.  I had sunscreen on all day too.  Oh well, I got rid of some of my lines, and the ones I got from the past two days aren't that bad.  I've been trying to get into this whole sunscreen era.  It's kind of hard for me to understand that I can still get tan when I wear sunscreen.  But I wore spf 15 on my face all day, and spf 30 on my upper arms, shoulders, chest, and back.  I never put anything on my legs.  It's pointless.  I don't have huge lines from my sunglasses, which makes me super happy.  

Speaking of super happy....  We learned 20 sets of drill, which is pretty good.  The band can march and play 15 of them, which is really good.  This means that we are going to have most, if not all of our show done by the end of band camp.  Now I don't really know how this is going to play out for the guard.  I know we are supposed to be getting some work next week...but next week is optional.  So maybe the next next week.  We have practice Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.  We're picking up another day, which kind of sucks, but I know we need it.  We're going to have tough competition this year, especially since a lot of our good instrumentalists graduated.  We are left with like 70 (probably less) people, and our sound is going to suffer from that.  My drill is super easy except one set, which is good.  Plus that one set isn't that bad.  It's like 4 steps.  Oh!  We start the show on weapon!  Hell yeah!  I hope the work is challenging, and fucking cute as hell.

So on Thursdays I always take my dads check in and put it in his account.  Well I stopped by the mailbox, got the check, and I saw my dad coming so I stopped and talked to him.  He told me that the fluid in my grandmas lungs wasn't a cause of the cancer she has, no, it's a whole new cancer.  He was so upset, as he was driving away, he was crying.  I felt so bad for him.  So on my way to town, imagine you just found out your grandma has 2 cancers instead of one, and you just got home from mini-camp, which means your wore out, your tired.  Basically, not in a good mood.  So I was driving driving, and right before McDonalds, there is a stop light, and I was already stopping, but this girl like slammed on her brakes, and we bumped.  Thankfully it was just a little one, like a nudge, if I may.  But yeah, it did nothing to her truck, and it did nothing to my jeep.  Which is good because I only have PLPD, which means it's automatically my fault, which I'm taking the blame anyways, yeah it is my fault, I was driving too close to her, and I've been told to stop doing that by my mom and dad.  Shitty.  Anyways, but she called her husband, and he told her to call the police, because that's what you're supposed to do.  I wait like 5 million years for that cop to get here, and he checks everything out, and was like okay well you cant file a report unless you do more that $1,000.00 of damage, and bia, there was none so ha.  But we exchanged info and I went along.  After this I still needed to get his check in before 5 o'clock.  I missed my turn not once...but twice.  I was 5 minutes late.  They had just closed.  I was pissed.  So while nothing is wrong, it was still really embarrassing.  I know I looked like shit, because I hadn't changed from the day, and I was sweaty and I smelled gross, and I'm sure I looked gross.

Today I am going to see my grandma.  I don't really know when I will be leaving, but I know for sure, later in the afternoon.  I'm driving down to Tipton, and from there my dad is driving to Indy.  Usually I just wait until she gets back home to see her, but I feel like I haven't seen her in so long, and with this new cancer, I think she could use the company.  I kind of nervous about the drive, because I don't really know where I'm going.  I know it's all highway, but when it comes to the turn off and stuff, I'm so unsure.  If I get fucking lost, I'm fucked.  Oh well. it's worth it.

So yeah, I think I might go running with Hope today.  Not too far because I don't think fatty can run too far anywhere.  But I think it would be a good idea to start getting in shape, and not just to look good, but it will make my life easier.  Like maybe I can build up some stamina and not totally die at band camp.  I could actually run to my set with out dying.  Plus I do want to look good lol.  I was to get into real shape, because I'm planning on trying out for Glassmen.  You have to be so good, so I'm trying to get better at everything.

Well, I think that is enough for now dont you? 

Alright well, I was planning on going to bed, but I seem to have a lot on my mind.  My grandma that has cancer has been getting really bad lately.  Her white and red blood counts have been down lately, she can't hardly catch her breath either.  I'm really worried about her.  Grandpa took her to the ER today around 10:30-ish am.  She has had 2 blood transfusions and multiple breathing treatments.  I haven't been to see her yet, we just found out tonight.  Nice of grandpa to let us know....at 6:30.  Mom said she sounded better on the phone than she had the last couple of days.  I know it's inevitable that she dies, but who the fuck wants their grandma to die?  She was the best grandma ever.  It's just really upsetting to know that its closer than what we thought.  

You know how when everyone else is really upset about something and you try to be the strong one?  Yeah that's sort of me right now.  I really hate to cry infront of people.  I just truly hate it.  I'm not overly emotional.  I don't like the whole "oh your sad?  Let me give you a hug"  I don't like that.  I prefer to be left alone.  One of the hardest things to see besides my grandma getting weaker every day, is my dad.  He is sooo upset by this.  I mean, obviously he is, because it's his mom, but it's so upsetting to see him cry.  I could be perfectly fine, but if my dad is crying, I just lose it.  This has to be the worst fathers day ever.

I know we should consider her lucky because the people who get this kind of cancer usually only last a couple months.  She has lasted over a year.  When she found out she had cancer the doctors told her that he would be surprised if she made it 4 months.  But knowing that we've gotten more time with her so far has greatly magnified the amount of time we haven't spent with her...even though it takes less than a minute to drive to her house.  

This post probably wasn't the best idea, it's only made things inside my head worse.  

fuck.