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March 31st, 2009
10:06 pm - No U
I don't know why it bothers me so much that James is out hanging with his best friend Corey and some girl (I will assume is Amy). He wasn't home at 8 so naturally I was worried. Called a couple of times and got not answer. Even called the house to find out he was at Corey's. Finally James calls and...well he it feels like he hardly paid attention to me. He was so occupied with laughing at whatever Corey and the girl were saying. I don't know why it bothers me that he was having a good time. I should be happy that it sounded like he was having fun. I know that Corey is going through a tough time with his mother being terminally ill, and it had been awhile since they had spoken or hung out together, so I should have been happy to hear that he was with Corey and having fun.
Except I'm not. I'm jealous. James never laughs like that when I'm around. He never really laughs at anything I say or thinks it's genuinely funny. It makes me sad to think that I can't make him happy like that. Makes me wonder if he has fun with me. He loves me, I know that. Often he just wants to lie down in bed and kiss and cuddle, I get it. But that's not the same as playing games together or something--usually he's doing his own thing and I'm doing mine. It really bothers me.
And Korean is already kicking my ass. James says I just need to practice more, but how can it all be about practice? I would study every night. I try to form sentences and conversations in my head, and yet I can hardly remember anything and will most likely bomb the conversation I have to have with the teacher on Friday. I wanted to learn Korean for James and his family, but telling me to practice more doesn't give me that supportive feeling. I absolutely loathe Korean. If it weren't for Korean, I'd probably actually enjoy this quarter. My other two classes are actually fun, interesting, and I don't get this overwhelming feeling of self hatred and believing I totally suck like I do in Korean. But it's Spring quarter and should stick Korean out because if I pass the class then I'll have my language requirement done for general ed. But it doesn't look like I will continue Korean. Or any other language for that matter. Korean has pretty much killed my interest for foreign languages. But if I don't major in Korean, what then?
Becoming an English major has crossed my mind--be smart like Lisa and become an English major so that people will believe me to be a credible writer. But what if the same thing happens? There's one thing to fight for what you want regardless of what people say to you, but it's another thing to feel totally defeated by what you originally wanted to be.
By the way, I bought my milk today, but forgot the eggs. That really takes the cake--mostly because without the eggs I can't bake the damn cake.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://i261.photobucket.com/albums/ii65/GoddessNamra/Heartless%20by%20Ruby%20D/disappointed.jpg) disappointed
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Comments:
If I had eggs, you could have them all. I want to help you make cake. D:
Sorry about James and problems... maybe arrange to do something fun with him, if you can? Or accept that it's really hard to have fun easily at this point in the semester. I don't know. I love you, but that's not much consolation, I know.
He's probably just spending time with Corey because of the terminally ill thing and he's trying hard to be happy in a tough time for Corey.
*hug* But I have to go to class. *hughug* |
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