That's... baffling.
So I'm... puzzled. I just got a really fantastic critique on one of my stories. Normally I would be over the moon to get a critique like this. Well, probably a bit hurt, as the critiquer seemed to think that the story was absolutely irredeemable and had no good points whatsoever. But it did point up several of my flaws as a writer, and hey, I could always use that.

But um.


"Given that your profile states you are a professional author, I hope you
won't take offense to some harsher criticism. (No, really, I promise I'm not
stalking you or something... I heard your name before, and I wanted to see if
you'd written anything I'd already read...)
Alright, before I start, I must admit I have a bit of a dislike for
crossovers. All too frequently, they are created simply on the basis of one
small parallel between plotlines that an auther wants to exploit to look
witty.
I really wonder, though, why HMC and Torchwood? The only reason you seem to
have so far is that both of them occur in Wales for at least some of the
story. And, honestly, it's quite a difficult crossover to attempt. HMC is a
lighthearted, young teen book, while Torchwood is a dark, serious show. The
feeling between the two is so different that you would have to do something
brilliant to keep the depth each of them has while making them similar enough
to work together in one plotline.
And you haven't. You've flattened it all out until I'm not sure I'm reading
the same characters anymore.
Though the characters aren't always realistic, even in the original book and
series, you're characters have the depth of paper bags with faces drawn on
them. You have to be able to understand characters before writing them.
Mainly what I mean here is that you've got Howl and Sophie throwing these
little jokes back and forth, and just generally being quite happy and
pleasant. It's enough to make anyone forget that a team of very
foreign-looking individuals has just broken down the door and pinned Howl to
the ground.
Also, you have NO back story whatsoever. I don't know if this is meant to be
filled in later, but you've just thrown us into the action without any
warning. Don't forget, this is a crossover. Some of your readership won't be
initially familiar with all of the characters. I am, but I still felt like I
was jolted into the story with no warning.
Altogether, I suppose it could redeem itself in later chapters, but not if it
keeps up this way. It feels like you picked a difficult project and haven't
given it the thought it would usually require.
In any case, forgive me if you weren't looking for this sort of critique. I'm
being quite picky, I know, and I hope you take no offense.
Hope everything works out, then! :D"


So I'm confused. What Planet Are You From? is very clearly a crack crossover. It was in fact posted originally on a crack crossover meme; I just moved it to FFN because I thought other people might get a giggle out of it. I put no real work into it, and I certainly didn't intend to continue it (as shown by its clearly being marked "complete").

Someone spent a good chunk of their time on this, probably at least fifteen minutes. I think the review might be longer than the story. It's certainly more thought-out. Wow.

And the worst bit is it's anonymous, so I can't recruit this person to be a secondary beta reader. *siiiiigh*