"Sometimes, late at night, I rummage around my room and stumble upon things I had forgotten. Notes, signs, tickets, receipts: paper byproducts of the relationship that ended much quicker than it began. I'll read my wall and smile sadly at the memories mentioned or I'll remember things that I miss the most: Routine phone calls late at night. Sitting in a living room and laughing about anything. Incessant rambling about our latest loves or a new CD we purchased that day. Sitting outside and watching the stars. Listening to each other as we cried about our latest heartbreak. The dreams we had of living together in one house, even if we knew we'd drive each other crazy. It's about that time that a crazy part of me says that maybe, just maybe, things can go back to the way they were. And it's then that my brain tells my heart to shut the fuck up and that that's not how things work in the real world." You know, one day you look at the person and see something more than you did the night before. Like a switch has been flicked somewhere. And the person who was just a friend is... suddenly the only person you can ever imagine yourself with. It's like I realized that way down inside, I've always been lonely for something. But I don't know what for. It's like... everybody in the world wants something. Only they never really know exactly what it is - they just keep finding out what it's not. You know how, when you turn off the TV or you come out of some concert, and everything just feels... empty? Like you thought that would be what you wanted, and then it wasn't? Why is it we always fall for our best friends? Is it because we know we can trust them? Is it because we know them so well? Is it because of the way they know exactly what's going on in our heads? Or is it because they are there any day, anytime, anywhere without the promise of kisses, intimiate touches or whispered sentiments of love? I think we love them because they are there when there is nothing in it for them except for that little glimmer of hope that maybe someday there will be. I suppose I'm a little bit scared. ,You might not like it that I felt so much for him. But that was then. You are here now, you make me and define me. It's over after all but he's still a part of me. And I want you to know all about it, so there are no secrets. But it's ironic because that's how I live my life. I smile on the outside, and everyone thinks I'm doing fine but I'm always dying inside, always one step away from the edge you know? I can't be happy to be who I am because I don't know who I am anymore. So don't waste your time on me. |
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