Tonight is the first night in a while that I'm going to sleep alone, without feeling Scott's body pressing against mine during the night, and without feeling his arm under my head and his breathing on my neck as I doze off. I keep telling myself, the weekend will be here soon. You cannot possibly miss someone this much! And I hate to think of the summer, and the fact that I will not see him for weeks.

My mother knows about Scott & me now. I'm not sure if I'd mentioned that here before. He's the first boy I ever told her about, and it feels so right and I'm not afraid or anything, to tell her that yes, I'm dating him. But oh it feels so strange! I have such issues with my mom learning personal details about my life.

Our relationship is so dysfunctional.

I totally ditched Critical Perspectives today, and Art class yesterday. I've been in a real strange mood, and my stomach hurts. It was so unbelievably difficult to get out of bed this morning oh my God. I didn't even HEAR my first two alarms, which were set for 7:45 and 8:00. I ended up waking up at 8:20 and getting out of bed at 8:27. Monday I didn't really wake up until 10:30! I don't know why I've been go sleepy lately. Maybe my body is trying to tell me that I need some more rest. Maybe my immune system is fighting something and I can't really tell but it drains my energy faster. Who knows!

I got my Zune back yesterday. I had sent it out to Microsoft because it wouldn't work. I bought it in December and in January it fucked up. I think it happened because I had it out in like, below-zero weather but still! My warranty was still in effect so I called them and they had me send it in so they could repair it, except they apparently were not able to repair it and they just sent me a new one. I already added music to it, and some movies. I want to find a way to download TV shows like Scrubs and Will and Grace, or rip them from DVD's so that I can put them on my Zune.

My birthday was amazing! Scott gave me Professor Layton and a cute as fuck stuffed animal/elephant love child whom I named Tobi! And then he took me to dinner at IHOP (brinner ♥) and to watch a movie (Iron Man!) At nighttime his dad dropped us off at the train station and we came back to my place and I don't even remember what we did. He may have done some math but maybe not. I know for sure we ordered Chinese food and watched some Scrubs.

Life is good.

Okay, so, I took care of blogger, Livejournal and now here I am. I really should be doing homework. Today was so windy and cold again it's beginning to irritating me. I like really cold (snow cold, that is) or warm. I'm tired of this weather teasing me like it's some sort of  young sexy hooker and I'm an old horny man who is so broke he can never afford her anyway. Sigh, that was stupid ha, but really I want some warm spring days! Please Chicago, please!

I feel so happy right now! And so lazy too sort of (hooray for putting off homework for like, the last hour haha.) Just a few days and then May will be here. MAY, already, what the hell?! Seriously WHERE the hell was I? All of a sudden it's May....ahh, it seems like just last month I was barely coming back from winter break. Oh man, before I know I'm going to be a second-year college student, then a college graduate, then WHO KNOWS?

This apartment feels so good without my former cunt bitch roommate!

I should be reading but it's just so so so hard to focus on biology when I feel so inspired and creative. I'm also quite sleepy even though I took an hour-long nap earlier. I woke up from my nap to Ivy peeing in the bathroom with the door pretty much completely open. I pretended to be asleep until she came out then I got up a bit after that and went into the bathroom. She was shocked to see me (she claims she didn't know I was in the room)

This weekend was nice. I can't actually remember the last time I had a shitty weekend (that I wasn't in Missouri or Iowa). It's so nice having someone in my life that I really like and really enjoy spending time with. Ivy is in the shower and I should be playing loud music while she's in there but I am in a strange mood tonight.

This Kimya Dawson girl (who sings most of the soundtrack for the movie Juno) has such an amazing voice and writes such beautiful songs. Since I saw the movie, I've been hooked. The whole score for that movie is absolutely genius. Scott burned it for me and brought it over Sunday night and I keep hearing it over and over.

So spring break has come & gone, and there were some shitty parts but eh, it's done with now. My new classes are OK but I feel like they're going to be a lot of reading and writing essays. I do think I'll really enjoy art, though (from looking at the syllabus) and even my biology topics course. The professor is foreign and moves kind of gay and sort of reminds me of a much younger version of Alan Rickman's character in the movie Dogma. And the course itself actually seems pretty interesting and laid back. And did I mention there's no lab?!?!  Woo!

Last night I ended things with daniel for good. In other words, I told him that I was in a serious relationship with someone and didn't see myself with daniel anymore, and that maybe it was better if we weren't really friends for a while. It felt so weird. Christine was having a little celebration of her own because (she says) she's waitied three years and a half for this and it's true, she really has. My cousin was also over when I did it and sort of gave me some support because Goddamn, I knew I hurt him and it's so hard to deal with that because he will always hold a special place in my heart, as cliche as that is, he really will, and it's hard to hurt the people you care about even when you're doing it because you know it's best.

I should have done more reading/homework tonight so I could get ahead, but instead I took a little nap and then played the Sims 2 for an hour. I am totally lame haha but that's OK.

oh shit, son!  the whole dorm room (yes, kitchen & dining area included) are CLEAN CLEAN CLEAN. it's so nice not having a roommate that comes and messes everything up and leaves fucking disgusting dishes in the sink for me to wash! well, technically, i still have a roommate (sigh) she's just out of town at the moment.

i'm really fucking looking forward to spring quarter. i can already foresee me being stressed out by art and english (as much as i love both of these subjects, i'm really not very good at them, ESPECIALLY art) and i may or may not pass this next biology course, but it will be nice not to have a hume class and not to have to worry about a biology lab.

missouri is out of the picture. so, i better fucking start doing better in all my classes! i feel like a dumbass for paying about $100 in application fees to schools that accepted me yet will never be graced by my prescence. ha.

it's 4:51. i ran for about 11 minutes today and walked six. it felt so good! i forgot how fucking good it feels to work out, especially run. i miss the nights my brother and i would spend at the track of slider middle school just running in the dark in the fresh wind. i think, overall, i had a pretty damn good childhood in texas. i can remember so many great things of the past eighteen years of my life.

it feels good to finally be in chicago, and to finally have someone who enjoys getting out and doing things with me, and to finally be making some new, fresh memories.

one hour and fifteen minutes until i can head off to the train station and meet scott. i best go shower now, and clean a bit.

It's kind of nice that, when everything else seems confuse and uncertain, you wake up to SOME form of stability -- even if it is just your roommate doing her usual door-slamming-bathroom-water-running-calling-at-four-A.M. routine. It's sort of comforting in some sick way that no matter how many other things seem to fall apart and no matter how many things are on my mind, making me feel conflicted and worried...my roommate will always be her bitchy self.

My weekend was a lot like the icon I used for this post. Except that that Kurt Halsey photo really does it little justice. I wish it were Thursday already and not Tuesday 10:52 a.m.

I have an eight-page research paper to write today (since it's due tomorrow) and I haven't even really chosen a topic yet.

I feel like I've been here before (and I probably have.)

I saw Jeff today.

It wasn't for long, of course. We met at a cafe a few blocks from here. I helped him out on his laptop a bit and we talked. He says he's going to El Paso in April to a court hearing to try to get custody over Sapphie back....fuckfuckfuck. I really don't want him to. I know he loves the kid, but she needs to be with Iris' parents, not him. I have faith that the court will realize that, though.

He gave me one of the letters Iris wrote to me. When I read it...holy shit I felt so depressed. I can't even begin to describe how completely depressed I felt. Like, every part of me just felt apathetic and  numb and ached. I used to want all the letters, but after reading one, I now know why he refuses to give them to me. Too much of the past brought back up. And I couldn't stop shaking for a while.

I used to think she deserved life and happiness more than anyone deserves everything. Jeff failed her, her children failed her, in a certain way, both Johnny and I failed her. What a sick terrible feeling is to know that you've failed someone that really matters, and that they're not around anymore to beg them to forgive you, and to try to make things better.