hold your breath because you only makes thing worse.
I saw Jeff today.

It wasn't for long, of course. We met at a cafe a few blocks from here. I helped him out on his laptop a bit and we talked. He says he's going to El Paso in April to a court hearing to try to get custody over Sapphie back....fuckfuckfuck. I really don't want him to. I know he loves the kid, but she needs to be with Iris' parents, not him. I have faith that the court will realize that, though.

He gave me one of the letters Iris wrote to me. When I read it...holy shit I felt so depressed. I can't even begin to describe how completely depressed I felt. Like, every part of me just felt apathetic and  numb and ached. I used to want all the letters, but after reading one, I now know why he refuses to give them to me. Too much of the past brought back up. And I couldn't stop shaking for a while.

I used to think she deserved life and happiness more than anyone deserves everything. Jeff failed her, her children failed her, in a certain way, both Johnny and I failed her. What a sick terrible feeling is to know that you've failed someone that really matters, and that they're not around anymore to beg them to forgive you, and to try to make things better.