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[Mar. 13th, 2016|06:44 pm] |
Why did you have to steal my heart...?
Taking it from Wonder with her tiny hands covered in splinters.
Taking my mind from white walls sick with age.
I am not a tornado anymore. I am simply a downward spiral.
In the beginning you were happy and I was afraid. I had too much to lose. I had invested too much of my time in tits and confused sexual preference. I did the math. 8 years of my life with a sprite of a girl and I didn't expect a man to sweep me off my feet.
In the beginning I was fire-tongued and spitting venom. I felt the need to test you and it wasn't fair. I pushed limits and a while later realized my feelings for you were starting to cement and my feelings for her were starting to crumble.
I am not the type to believe everyone deserves love. I am more than flawed. I am a self-deprecating monster who doesn't believe anyone will ever love me and mean it.
You've said slews of I love yous. I think you did mean it, but there is no more conviction. I know the catalyst was sparked in my hands. I push things too far. I sabotage. I said and did things I wish I could take back. I really wish I could with my whole heart.
I don't want to regret getting to know you in this way, but I'd be a liar if the thought didn't cross my mind. Now when things seem to be more bad than good, I am kicking myself for not remaining a stoic lesbian.
When I fell in love with you, I wanted to better myself. I wanted to tell you my flaws and hesitations and hoped to be welcomed with support, praised for bravery and to have things bring us closer together.
Too little too late, I suppose.
Now that I'm ready, you're not. You pulled away and had wandering eyes. These are the two worst things for someone like me- someone who already feels as though they can't be safe in love.
I still hurt from what you did, but I have gone against my nature and actually forgave. I forgave you with my whole heart. I also feel like a goddamned idiot for doing so.
Since then, things haven't been the same. I have stopped my mega-fits-of-rage, the crucible I put you through. The crucible I still regret. I'm not asking for a pat on the back. I'm just asking that for once you acknowledge the willingness and effort I'm putting in to try to make this work.
I still mean it when I say that I re-evaluate and try to act and say things from a place of "I want him to be happy." This mantra has kept me from saying or doing hurtful things. I think this was lost somewhere in your psyche, which is natural for someone who's been hurt.
I need to know, can you commit to loving me fully? Can you love me as an equal and not some retarded, juvenile or badly damaged shell of a girl? Can I have your respect? Can you see me from a place that isn't tarnished with the weight of the past? Or is it all too late?
I'm not telling you to trust me completely if it is too hard, but I need your faith. I need your support. I need your respect. More than anything I need you to act towards me from a place of love.
It has hurt me so much lately- hearing every insult under the sun and the terrible things you think of me. I won't even ask if you think they're true. I know you are cut-and-dry blunt. I am disgusted in myself for not only coming across in such unfavorable ways but for staying in a relationship where someone is burdened by the weight of such a tumultuous past.
I used to start fights over nothing. I feel like now you're doing the same- never really dealing with the frustrations of dealing with me or our past.
Please don't relive my mistakes. Please let us have love.
I am here to support you. I am here to forgive. I am here and finally ready to be the person that you want, but it's not easy for me and I am afraid. Give me now what you gave me at the start and I promise you my loyalty, my passion and my whole heart. (Oh hey, that rhymes!) |
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