Mary Jane's Last Dance

I CANNOT FUCKING BELIEVE IT.

I CANNOT FUCKING BELIEVE IT.

HULK SMASH. HULK SMASH YOU IN THE NADS.

That is all.

PS: TBS and its jokes of "sportscasters" need to go fuck themselves for being the worst jinxes on earth plus knowing nothing about baseball. And that fatass Frank too. Your show sucks buddy and no one is going to watch it no matter how many times they repeat your horrid commercial with your flat, boring, hackneyed, overdone Dubya impersonation. And seeing adverts pop up for your godawful travesty of a sketch comedy show IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FUCKING GAME make me want to reach into my television set and punch you square in your bloated face. Words cannot describe how much I just want you to fall off the face of the planet and into total obscurity.

Also a great big fuck you to whoever that guy is who wears those ridiculous '70's looking suits that look like they came straight from the Anchorman set. He looks more ridiculous than Rod Roddy ever did, and Rod Roddy was made of awesome anyway, so it didn't matter how many sequinned blazers or goofy-looking ties he wore, at least Rod Roddy didn't jinx the fucking game by talking to Chuck Lamar, and the only good thing Chuck Lamar ever did was sign BJ Upton and Carl Crawford. I say good riddance; TBS wanted to hop all over his boner.

And what a boner it was. And not the happy, excited kind of boner.

I know what TBS stands for! Talk Bullshit!




... maybe they just wanted to win the series at home. Go get 'em on Saturday. I'll be watching, and awaiting nervously.

Things That Blow, #1

YOUTUBE


I really didn't need to see the source material for this. Really.

Youtube. Goddamnit I hate Youtube.

Youtube: America's Funniest Home Videos for the Age of the Dumbass. C'mon guys, was America's Funniest Home Videos ever funny? Did you groan every time someone on AFHV fell off a bike or got hit in the balls by some five-year-old? Every time they showed someone's cat or dog dancing or doing something else stupid? Wedding bloopers? Got 'em. "Accidental" nudity that was clearly staged? Yeah, we got that too. America's Funniest Home Videos did it first, and it's still just as unfunny.

Teenagers also do stupid things in the name of becoming famous on Youtube. In this example, a bunch of girls from Lakeland (this place will be in a later Things That Blow) beat the shit out of another girl, who was reportedly defenseless. We are quickly becoming a vicious, clueless, brainless nation. Our lives have become watching and doing stupid shit in the name of fifteen seconds of fame (or shame, depending on how you look at it).

This isn't a SAVE OUR CHILDREN AND THE INTERNETS IS EVIL rant. It's a "Let's Not Lose America To Idiocy" argument. I think the collective IQ of America dropped ten or twenty points since Youtube came into existence. It would be nice if just movie, tv, or actual funny clips were on there. I just don't want to see you beat up some kids, you kicking anyone in the nads, or you dress up in some goofy looking costume trying to make us laugh forcibly again. It's old, it's formulaic, and it's downright idiotic.

C'mon, you guys might just make this movie just might become true. I only want to watch Idiocracy on my TV, I don't want to see it happen around me.


"Ah, you talk like a fag and your shit's all retarded."

Ticketmaster and their additional fees are ridiculous.

I just paid $55.60 in additional fees for two tickets to see Tom Petty (which were $52.25 a piece). That's like buying a while 'nother ticket AND a drink.

Bollocks, I say, it's highway robbery. But this will probably be my last chance to see Tom Petty, ever. I think this might be his last tour.

But still, argh Ticketmaster. *shakes fist at Ticketmaster*

If I had a bit of money to invest and a more business-oriented brain (I'm couldn't be farther away from that mindset), I'd love to start my own clothing line.

My clothing line would cater towards smaller and shorter women and men. Short and small women and men have a very difficult time finding clothes that fit them right. They swim in all of the excess fabric. Petite women are stepping all over their pants bottoms. And god forbid if you're a small size, too -- you've been sized out of most stores. I know that pain -- as a small, petite woman, I've been sized out of many stores by now.

I've been sized out of the Limited, Express, and Old Navy, when they got rid of their XXS size. I remember when their size 1 was way too tiny for me once I got my adolescent growth spurt. That was at the turn of the century, 1999-2000. It's 2007, and not only is their size 1 gigantic in the waist, but their 0 now is, too! Since 2000, I have gained two inches and roughly fifteen pounds. It makes no sense.

( ranty rant rant )

I think it's absolutely hilarious that I thought I had the tiniest tits on the planet roughly six months ago.

The reality of the matter is, the inverse is close to true than the former, and Victoria's Secret fitters don't know how to fit bras correctly. They only want you to buy their shit, even if it is far from fitting.

Here I was, thinking I was a 32A (or smaller!) the whole time because of a piss-poor measurement. I was measured a 34AAA at one point (ridiculous)! I didn't think it was right, because the bras fit all wonky. The shoulder straps always fell down my arms. The back always shifted around pretty bad. Underboob was a problem.

So about a few months ago, I started searching for my true size. I then used a formula most professional, trained bra fitters use, rather than the formula that commercial, often untrained "fitters" used (the add "god knows how many inches onto your underbust measurement, usually between 4"-8")

Wonder why 80% of women wear the wrong bra size? You didn't read this incorrectly. Four out of the five of us are wearing the wrong bra size. The chances are more than likely that you are, too.

It turns out I'm a 30C or 28D, depending on the bra manufacturer.

Want to know what you should be around? Chances are, you're going to get something completely different from what you are wearing now.

( I'm going to let you in on a secret. And it ain't Victoria's. )

Man, if I had a bit more drive for business, I'd open up a bra store. But I do intend on learning how to make bras for myself (seriously, hardly anyone carries a 28D OR 30C), and if I become proficient enough, I will start selling them to others.

I have a prediction my sewing machine's going to get some heavy usage soon.

I don't think I've been so thankful to leave work before. It wasn't as bad as that Pizza Hut entry I posted before this (good god that was awful), but fucking Christ.

I'll tell you this -- I black dare anyone to lie to my face like this one woman did today. I guarantee that you'll walk out looking much uglier than you did before. I fucking hate liars. There are three classes of people I loathe - liars, cheats, and thieves. They're practically one and the same. A liar is a cheat is a thief is a liar.

I could have strangled her right then and there. I felt like a mother bear poised to attack, claws extended. I wanted to black out her eyes and smash in her teeth. I wanted to hear bones break and cartilage tear. I desired her head for a trophy. I wanted to see her starchy white shirt turn a bright vermilion. Don't you fucking dare think for a second that I'm naive and stupid just because I'm a young looking woman.

Eat a dick, you bitch. I hope you got pulled over by a cop when you left, because the cops patrol that area heavily for speeders. I also hope in the event you got pulled over by a cop, that you had drugs in your car. Suck my balls.



PS: Yes, my icon has much to do with this post.

"I saw a man on the big blue screen. He ruled the world economy. He said the rich would never concede, but someday soon they'll be put to sleep." -- Bad Religion

I've got a good question, maybe you can help me out.

How come bras look so much better everywhere else around the world (and encompass both smaller and larger size) than in the United States?

To give you a few examples of bras around the world:
http://www.ellure.nl/main.asp
http://shop.triumphjapan.com/index.html
http://www.amostyle.com/

Oh sure, you can get nice bras, if your band size is 34 or 36 and you happen to be a size B or C. If you're smaller or larger than that, you've got nothing fancier than a boys' jockstrap, really.

If you're a small cup size, you've got white, tan, and soft-cup bras with little-kid prints on them. Even worse, is that often they're called "training bras." Training for what? "Real" tits? Sorry shug, god forbid I have small boobs.

If you're a larger cup size, you're pretty much delegated to grandma bras. Those awful white and tan (often soft-cup and cheaply underwired) monstrosities with very un-sexy lace that looks like it was more suited to covering a table or a frumpy chair than your tatas.

Or, if you're like one of my friends, who happens to be a small band size and a large cup size (I estimate her to be a 30F), you're fucked, basically. You either have to wear multiple sports bras at a time, or squash yourself into a size that is way too small in the cups, and yet still rides up in the back.

I thought lingerie was supposed to be nice-looking. Flirty. Feminine. Last I checked, uh, we weren't men. So we should all have something that looks nice and sexy, not something that looks like it's battle armor for Superman's nuts.

Jesus Christ, America, get with the program.