Mary Jane's Last Dance

Baseball

Rays: STOP SHITTING THE BED. PLZ. Postseason's, like, right around the corner! It's there! So why did you decide to drop three games against THE FUCKING BLUE JAYS again? I love you, but now's not the time to revert back to your old ways. You've got Boston to play now and you rarely win games at Fenway. :(

Also put Evan Longoria back in. We need that guy more than ever. We need our All-Star rookie third baseman who makes incredible catches and hits well! We need. To stop. The bleeding.

Red Sox: Be a dear and lose for us.

Yankees: Fuck off already.

Blue Jays: Suck it.

Football

Saints: Good job. Your D has proven to have turned itself around from last season in this game. Hope Randal Gay is okay. Thanks for hauling ass in this game, Bush. Keep it up. Keep kicking ass, Saints.


Love,
sexandpolitics

Pushy salespeople in the mall,
You are a main reason why I prefer to shop online. You aren't attracting me to your wares by being a pushy asshole. Learn to take a hint, and go fuck yourselves.

JcPenney,
Advertising your sales goals on the intercom is totally unclassy and crass. I guess I can see what your priority is.

New Orleans Saints,
Please win tomorrow. Please. Pretty please? I know you're a scrappy lil' team and have always been, but you haven't had a start this bad in years. Get it together. Please ditch Olindo Mare, he can't kick. Bench Drew Brees if you have to. C'mon, the Bears benched Rex Grossman and look how much better they're doing without him!

Victoria's Secret at Westshore Mall,
Oh, so you remodeled your store! And look...it looks more like a strip club than it did previously. Neon signs and everything! Maybe if you got some pole dancers from Mons Venus (come on they're down the street, take advantage of it) and added a bar, then maybe I'd come in. Maybe. Those strippers might even be better salespeople than the uppity turds that Victoria's Secret currently hires.

USF Bulls,
You're awesome. Keep up the good work.

The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess,
Stop being so addictive.

College,
Stop feeling like I'm back in the tenth grade. WHY DO I FEEL LIKE I'M IN HIGH SCHOOL AGAIN.



Also, I get my wisdom teeth pulled on Wednesday and I'm ridiculously nervous about it. :(