I'm not going to Thanksgiving at my grandparents house. I'm not going to get to see my sister. I'm not going to get to spend time with the family I never see. I got up at 6 for nothing.

Why do I even bother?

I knew we weren't going to go. But then why was I so hopeful?

And of course seeing my obvious disappointment my mother sees fit to laugh and try to brush it off with some cheap 2 dollar gift at Wal*Mart?

Right.

I learned a long time ago not to hope for things. I've been lightening up on that as of late for some stupid reason. Here I thought I'd actually go to New York? New York! I thought I'd actually get to see that beautiful city with the bright lights and the wonderful streets that sing.

I thought I'd get to see broad way. I thought I'd get out of this little green box and actually live life for once.

Mother disappointed me the first time. She said it was too dangerous and canceled my 16th birthday trip.

I never thought I'd get another chance.

Well, I got another chance. I got one. It was right there. I had the money. I was so hopeful. I was going to go to New York! It was impossible that I could go, but somehow, I could!

Today my dream trip was canceled.

I learned a long time ago not to hope for things. Because hoping hurts.

I told mum it got canceled just a few minutes ago. She said, "HURAAY! We can fill up the oil tank now!"

The money I was using wasn't effecting her getting any oil, and did she ever stop to consider how badly those words hurt? She could have at least said, "Oh, I'm sorry!" Or something appropriate like that.

But I learned not to hope for that either.

Conversation between my mother and I discussing gay rights.

Me: Aw! Mum, look at the gay couple! Aren't they cute? I'm glad Maine has that gay rights thing now.

Mum: Oh yes. Thank God we let all the Fags into Maine.

Me: Mother! How could you say that? There's nothing wrong with being gay.

Mum: The Hell there isn't. I don't think we should have even gotten the rights signed off.

Me: So if I wanted to be in a relationship with a woman I shouldn't be allowed to get the same wages as someone heterosexual? I should be discriminated against and rejected by society? Gee, thanks, I'm glad you want the best for your daughter.

Mum: I'm not saying that, Carol.

Me: Then what are you saying?

Mum: I'm saying that they shouldn't be allowed to marry.

Me: First, you aren't allowed to be married in Maine to the same sex, you just have rights, and secondly, that isn't what you said before. You said we shouldn't have rights at all. Not just be unable to marry.

Mum: Just drop it, you're pissing me off and I don't want to talk about it.

Me: Fine.
***

We were in a car at the store when this conversation started. How can she be like that? -sigh-

Dad: chipchipchipchipchipchipchipchipchipchipchipchipchipchipchipchipchipchipchipchipchipchipchipchipchipchipchipchipchipchip!

Me: ...

Dad: ererereroooo!

Me: O.o

Dad: I LOVE THESE TURKEY HUNTIN' SHOWS!

Me: Dad. You sound nothing like a turkey or a rooster.

Dad: Get my pellet gun, I'm goin' huntin'.

Me: .... *facepalm* Damn hunting channel.

( Read more... )

Dear Notebook I can't find,

I'm kinda scared about leaving this summer. About leaving everything behind. What if I don't want to come back? What if I want to come back before the summer's out? What if I get depressed? What if my friends fill my place with someone new? What if my family doesn't have space for me when I come back? What if Father dies while I'm away? What if Mother gets sick? What if someone needs me and I'm not here? What if I get sick again? What happens when pain overwhelms me? Can Desi handle me? Can Desi handle both Skyla and I? Will I be able to make a connection strong enough to want to live with her permanently? What will happen to all my stuff when I get back? I can't possibly fit it all into that tiny room. What happens when I go school shopping? Will I have the money I need? What happens to my accounts online? Will they be closed? What happens to the people I'm leaving behind? Won't they get hurt? Will anyone miss me? Does anyone care? Do I care?

I envy those who don't have to make these decisions.

Thoughtfully yours,

Carol

I am a happy Carol. I found the chocolate chips Mum and Dad didn't know they had.

heheh

New journal. I know. The Layout is ... AWFUL!

August? Could we fix it?

-Carol