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You know. Everyday we test are limitations. Everyday we see how far we can handle what life throws at us. Some of us are in the game, without ever knowing we're being tested. Limitation; the point at which you can stand no more. Boundries, and such. I have only ever truely been pushed to my limitations before, mentally of course. Yes, I do have a nasty temper. A very nasty temper infact. I have come from places where that sort of thing is needed to survive, or in some cases earn money.From Los Angels when I was young. I fought to keep my place in the food chain, and I have stab wounds, and bullet holes to prove each story. From Indiana where I garage fought ona daily basis. Sheer excitement. To now.. In Michigan when fighting is no longer a part of my life style. Imagine.. You've done something your whole life, and now.. It's nothing. Nothing at all. Sort of brings you down in a way, and due to the stress of this. My temper is uncontrollable at times. It's sadening as well. I found amusement in some drama in Real life a few days. It had been happening for a month ( Forever is what it really seemed like). So, I guess I snapped. Lol. It's really hard to tell the mind that violence in a situation is not the right way, nor the mature way of handling things, when the body simply craves it. Almost like a Nicotine fit I could say. I have withdrawls at night, I don't really sleep anymore, and everything is a miss. Haha. I'm bouncing back though. Everyday I feel a lot better. With the help of my Lovely fiance, and the encouragement of a few good friends. I find myself becoming mentally stable once more. No longer do I feel the inpulse to ( Lets be honest here) Shred people apart. The control of myself is only in my hands. Never think anybody else is pulling my strings. For only you, yourself can control you, and that tested my limitations. It was very difficult to say the least. At one point in an arguement with my Finace, I actually lost control for a split second, and headbutted the wall. ( Which now I have a hole to fix.. fan-fucking-tastic) Haha. I was truely shocked. I normally handle myself higher then that. Normally my temper is very well handled but, not everyone is perfect. It wasn't really the hole that brought me back from the slight rage, that had swallowed me. It was the look on Mel-Bear's face. ( My nickname for Melissa.) She has come from an abusive family, and an Ex-lover of her's. So, I was ashamed of myself, and still am. I let myself slip, and for that my dear, mel-bear. I apologized. Know that I love you, and would never harm you in such a way, or any other for that matter. I should of handled that situation far better then I had, and with that. I owe a lot more then just one " Sorry." If they Ever come across this little post. For the following people Steph, Jae, Megh, Sherri, Gina, and the other's names that have sliped my mind at the moment. I am sorry to you as well. Though the drama was thick, I should of handled myself better, and controlled what I had said to you ladies, in a more gentlemen type fashion. Well, now that, that's out of the way. I feel a hundred percent better about myself.. So, I keep my friends posted on my conditions, and may even ask for advice for any person who comes across this. More than one opininon is always a good thing. So, everyone have a FaTaStIc Night. <--- Melissa will laugh from this. Inside jok
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