I love you. It's as simple and as complicated as that.

I'm a horrible updater. I'm sorry. I barely update my livejournal either. I don't even know what to say these days.

I just don't feel where I expected to be at 22. I don't even know what to expect anymore or what my life will be like in the upcoming months. I hate the uncertainty.

Carol passed away. It hasn't sunk in that someone who I've known since I was 6 or 7, someone who has been a best friend to my mom all these years is suddenly gone. I keep thinking she's going to call to ask to speak to my mom or that we're going to go to Olive Garden. We were planning that too to go soon enough - we never got to. I keep thinking that she's never going to see the end of Survivor or Desperate Housewives. Maybe there's a TV in heaven if there is heaven?

I dunno. In a mood...it comes and goes. I want a vacation though. Far away. Closest thing though I'm getting to a vacation anytime soon is going to PA memorial day weekend :P

How has everyone else been doing?

1. Are you a child of the 70's 80's or 90's?
80's!!!! Born in 1985!

2. Where were you born?
Sibley Memorial Hospital in Washington D.C.

3. If you were born in another country how old were you when you came here?
I was born here - it would be cool to be from another country.

4. What city did you grow up in?
Silver Spring, Maryland.

5. Did you enjoy your childhood?
For the most part I did :)

6. When you were a kid what did you want to be when you grew up?
I wanted to be a vet and a writer.

7. What was your favorite toy when you were little?
Barbies! Between my cousin and I, we had to have had at least 20 barbies! We'd take them to our grandmother's place and just play for hours.

8. Name the first memorable vacation you took as a kid.
Hmm. Probably Ocean City, MD

9. What was your first best friend's name?
Esther and Shira. We used to be inseperable. Now we're simply facebook friends.

10. Are they still your best friend?
No, I switched schools the summer of 3rd grade and lost contact with them until the invention of facebook rofl

11. If not, who are your best friends now?
Lina, Eva, Jon

12. How did you meet this person/people?
Hahaha. Lina I met in 7th grade because I was walking home with one girl and she said let's wait for Lina because she lived in the same neighborhood. Eva I met in 7th grade in 7th pd life science class. Jon I met my sophomore year of college, we were friends with benefits for a long time and ended up falling in love with each other - dating now for a little over a year :)

13. Can you name all the schools you ever attended?
Hebrew Day School of Montgomery County
Beverly Farms Elementary
Kemp Mill Elementary
Colonel E. Brooke Lee Middle School
John F. Kennedy HS
University of Maryland, Baltimore County

14. Who was your first crush?
Hmm. So my best friend in second grade had a crush on this kid Eli in our class...so I ended up with a little crush on him too. But I'd say my first real one was in the 3rd grade - he was so cute - his name was Kiran and I had the hugest crush on him. I still have the valentine he gave me hanging on my mirror to this day.

15. Were you a shy, quiet kid or a very wild and roudy kid?
Pretty shy - I used to read a lot.

16. When you were little what did you do for fun?
Played a lot of barbies. Used to ride my bike in the neighborhood and hang out with the neighborhood kids climbing trees, doing arts and crafts, play board games, or play a lot of dress up with my mom's best friend's daughter.

17. Were you closer to your Mom or Dad as a kid?
Daddy's girl but I was very attached as well to my mommy.

18. Do you have any embarrassing school stories to share?
Hmmm...last day of 4th grade, I walked into a door and ended up with a bloody nose. I was sooo embarrassed but that summer I ended up transferring schools anyways cuz we moved so I never saw those people again lol.

19. What was the first record, tape or CD you remember buying?
Boyz II Men!!!!!

20. How old did you want to be when you got married?
Never planned that out.

21. How old to have kids?
Same as above.

22. Were you scared of anything?
Not really.

23. What was your favorite class in school?
Art. Social Studies. Reading.

24. Did you buy school lunch or bring your own?
Both

25. Broke any bones or had any freaky accidents as a kid?
Nope *knocks on wood*

26. Favorite board game of all time?
Sorry!

27. Did you play house or pretend to be a super hero?
Played house :)

28. Random memory from when you were a kid?
I remember my first day of kindergarten and I was drawing a picture. I drew a sky, sun, flowers, grass, a girl, and a little ghost thing. My teacher asked me what the ghost thingie was and I answered that it was G-d to which my teacher then explained that G-d is everywhere and you can't see Him but you know he's there.

29. Seriously...are you still just a kid at heart?
Absolutely!

It's been a fun weekend. I needed it as I haven't gone out much lately. Friday night, Kristen, Micah and I went to Friday's and hung out there. I can't say though that after the times hanging out with Micah since I've met him...that I know anything about him beyond his facebook profile and the generalities. It sort of irks me not having a better understanding of someone...not that I've dug that hard but he won't talk about himself either. Oh well.

Sunday I finally got a correct measuring for a bra size [hello 34DDD] and got 3 bras at Nordstroms Rack for $50 which was exciting. Sunday night Jon [the boyfriend] drove down from his brother's house in Port Deposit and spent the night with me :o) I realize that I spent half of March with him...which is the longest we've gone actually being able to see each other but nonetheless still awesome to be able to spend time with him. Despite all my doubts about us, there has been no one like him that can quite make me smile like he does. Sometimes I feel like my cheeks hurt because I can't stop smiling...I wish it would stay like that always and not have the doubts. I don't think my mind works that way though. Sigh.

Work has been decent. My kids today I feel were bouncing off the walls. I think it's due to the fact that we've had like one snow day this past winter...and it's been awhile since we've had days off school. I think after Spring Break things will be calmer with them. I hope. Rachel and I have been getting along better. I don't feel so much these days that it's me against them in the classroom which is what I've been feeling like for a long time. I still feel a bit like I'm walking on eggshells, afraid of making one mistake. I don't want to give them anything to talk about me. I'm glad I talked to Sharon about the 2nd graders though. It's been bothering me working in the classroom during Hebrew and seeing such a wide range with kids either being really behind, kids on level, and kids who are absolutely fluent already. The ones who are fluent are bored out of their minds and the ones who struggle act up in class because they don't understand. She agrees with me that I should be able to do pullouts with these kids while Gil teaches the rest of the class. She said she'll include me in the meetings about enrichment for 2nd grade so I'm excited.

I've been thinking a lot about work for next year if I don't get into grad school - huge possibility. I really think I just want to be a teacher. I realized yesterday and today through two different conversations that most of the teachers who work at the school do not have a Master's or have a Master's in an unrelated field. Many of them started as I have as a Teacher's Assistant. Even Robin who's the special-ed/think tank person doesn't have a master's. So I don't understand Naomi's argument against me being a teacher just because my BA is in Psychology when I have the experience working with Kyle, working as a sub, working in the pre-k, and 2nd grade. I think I'm going to see if I stay there either a.) do a lot of pull outs and work one on one with kids b.) be a 5th grade teacher c.) K/1/2 teacher. I just don't want to go back to my own position next year. So wish me luck!

Quirk: "A quirk is an odd habit. Most dictionaries list this word's origin as "unknown". However, as the surname arises from the Isle of Man in the Irish Sea, and because the island is somewhat notorious for idiosyncratic behaviors, we may find the word's origins there. Manx surnames have fluctuated in their pronunciations and, hence, their spellings. Prior to the twentieth century, the most common variant for this "phylum" was Quark."

Odd habits. You could probably say I have some of those. We all do. Throughout our lifetime we develop different habits that while may be comforting to us may see strange to the casual observer. I play with my nails badly. The skin around my thumbs tend to be very ragged. I also keep my nails very short because I constantly play with them. I couldn't tell you why I do this but it's been a habit ingrained in me since I was at least 4 years old. You, the reader, might have a odd habit of searching through strange people's journals in hopes of finding a new friend or someone to relate to that others may think is weird. To each their own they say.

So who am I and why am I quirky? That's what this journal aims to find out. My goal is to write in here not just the every day blog but also memories of my life from my childhood until today. I'm curious too to find out why I am the way I am so this will be a self discovery for myself as well. I plan on keeping this journal open for now at least until I have some friends on here. Maybe later on I'll think about friend's locking but after so long of constantly locking entries, it will be nice to be free with my words.

I should start with a little about me.

First thing's first - the basics:
Name: Hillary.
Nickname(s): Hillz. Hilly. Hill. Dabu. T.J.
Birthday: September 2nd, 1985
Age: 22
Born in: The District of Columbia.
Living in: Silver Spring, Maryland.
Education: B.A. in Psychology with a concentration in Developmental and Human Services Psychology; minor in Judaic Studies from the University of Maryland, Baltimore County. Currently applying to grad school for School Psychology.
Religion: Jewish
Language(s) Spoken: English and Hebrew.
Favorite Color: Purple
Favorite Quote: Be you. Those who matter, don't mind. Those who mind, don't matter. - Dr. Suess

Doesn't really tell you much does it. Let's see.

I live at home right now. I'm ok with it as my mother and I are really close and well... I can't afford to live on my own right now. I'm taking an online class right now at Montgomery College in Educational Psychology while working full-time as Pre-K assistant teacher/2nd Grade assistant teacher and part time once a week as a Behavioral Therapist for an autistic child.

My goal is to get into grad school to get a Master's in School Psychology. I'm very nervous about my chances of getting into grad school as I did not have the best grades during undergrad due to certain circumstances. I'm hoping my recommendations, essay, and experiences helps me to actually make it in. We shall see.

I have an awesome boyfriend. When I say awesome, I mean really fuckin' awesome. He means the world to me. We've been together now for a year now though we've known each other for three years. He lives in Pennsylvannia though about 3 hours away so we only see each other about one or two weekends a month. Sometimes longer sometimes not. It's hard but we're determined to make this work. I struggle a lot with my doubts about us and you will probably hear about that but I hope to G-d that we'll make this work and be able to spend our lives together one day.

Religion is a big part of who I am. I'm not religious by any means but my religion means a lot to me. I am Jewish - raised as a Conservative Jew though I would probably say I'm more culturally Jewish than anything else. I speak Hebrew fairly fluently [my parents are Israelis] and I can read, write, and pray as well in Hebrew. Israel is very important to me - I'm very pro-Israel. I've been to Israel once on Birthright back in 2006 and it was amazing. I would go back to visit in a heartbeat if I could.

Other things. I'm pro-choice. I believe it's a woman's right to choose what to do with her body. I'm anti-death penalty in most cases - I don't believe the government has the right to play G-d and do the same thing as what the killer did to their victim. I don't think my tax money should go to killing people on death row. I'm a registered democrat. I like reading and talking about politics and world news. I have a need to know what's going on around me. I'm for the most part I think pretty awesome though you are free to tell me other wise.

Pretty much me in a nutshell. Hopefully I can keep this journal up as much as I do with my livejournal and let's see where this takes me and you. Welcome to my life.