Packing, for me, is throwing everything into a pile and realizing that anything I could truly carry about, material-wise, fits comfortably in an abnormally large plastic bag, a laundry basket, and a messenger. On top of that, I have had other realizations this past winter break, one of them being that I've surrounded myself with friends who are convinced they need a significant other to be happy and because of this, I am looked at as the girl who has never had a real relationship, not in a long time anyway, and to further stump the lot, I'm more or less happy and carefree about it, too. I look at them during our deeper more personal conversations and wonder if they find it odd I didn't date in high school, only ever coming as close to it as a person can on several occasions, or if they think it kind of funny that for all the years they've known me, they've never known me as a two-person entity, "Christine & (insert unconventional boy name here)". The truth is, I wonder the very same thing. Which is not to say I'm not happy being on my own, developing my own sense of self before I get things mixed and confused the way Katie did for the four years she was with Will, allowing herself to be labeled as his girlfriend and nothing more because she quite literally made him her world, and we were just neighboring planets then. It's just that I wonder, too, why nothing's come up, amounted to anything, I wonder if I drive guys away, if something about me intimidates them; a self-proclaimed hater of all things hand-holding (though I could learn to love that public display of affection if the right guy came along), it's enough to make me consider the notion that my independence is in any way tangible somehow and if that's scary. I mean, I look at Hank and Jansen and their need to be needed, of being called when you say you will and such and such. I've never been that kind of person. I've made my friends promise to intervene if I ever turn out that way. But I think about this semester and wonder if things will change, if Valentine's will be worthwhile for once, if I'll have stories to tell my cousins when I next see them -- and have pictures, a phone number, and a face to show for it, too. I'll remain optimistic as I always do, that's for sure. I'm taking History Of Pop Music, I'm bound to enjoy myself!
My sister is moving away to D.C. in a month and I'm kind of nervous about that -- both for her and her dream of doing hair, make-up, and costumery, and for my being left to deal with the pair of stubborn, sometimes unsupportive parents we have. Emily, Katie, Hank, Jansen and I are desperate to find an apartment before the next school year starts so hopefully that all works out and my parents let the leash loose just a few notches more. I'm not holding my breath but hoping's the best thing I've got and it's lovely to think of all the possibilities. It really is.