Sasori Akasuna (notyourfantasy) wrote,
@ 2010-02-25 23:29:00

Entry tags:

[ooc] zodiacal fun!
A while ago Alaina wrote up a compatibility list of everyone and it was awesome. Reading/talking about it made me dig up my favorite zodiac book and start peeking in at everyone's sign. This book is all about the more amusing, darkside of the zodiacs. The things people don't always want to remind the zodiacs when giving a basic description of it.

Amusingly enough, theres a shit ton of aquarius characters. Recommended procedure is to hide in a corner by the heater. Since they outnumber us, I'll start with them.

Aquarius

Shino, Tobirama, Izuna, Obito, Minato and Gaara

The brief overview of Aquarius is that they are chilly, detached, eccentric loners with
perverse voyeuristic habits and a shard of ice in their hearts.

Your deadly sin is Sloth, with a dash of pride, but you forgot the recipe so lets just add some more in until it looks right.
Don't look startled, because you obviously are awesome. You're just not as verbal about it.

Bitch rating: A-- You just can't be bothered much, but you're a smart one-liner king quite
willing to preform if you have an audience that will appriciate your bone chilling sarcasm.

INcompatibility rating; the dangers of hooking up:

~~Aries~~ - No aries characters	Leo - textbook delusions of grandeur: fascinating	Sagittarius - one sniff of commitment and they're off; you already left months ago.
Taurus - they want to possess your soul. D... do you even have one??	~~Virgo~~ - No Virgo characters!	Capricorn - they want you to get a proper respectable job
Gemini - Is it you they love, or your enviable penumbra of cool? psh. like you care	Libra - seduce all your friends and colleagues; you take notes	Aquarius - balanced equation; you don't give a shit, they don't give a shit
~~Cancer~~ - No cancers!	Scorpio - textbook delusions of power; you write a book on them	Pisces - wet and clingy and have to be frozen off. Like warts.

Domestic Disharmony; rooming with others:

~~Aries~~ - No aries!	Leo - they tear down your posters! obviously not realizing they are what keep the walls up	Sagittarius - you're working on ways to harness their energy to run the refrigeration plant
Taurus - keep trying to store gardening tools in your shed	~~Virgo~~ - No virgos!	Capricorn - too impressed by your undeniable smarts to throw you out
Gemini - pirate all your software and cell it to schoolkids; give your name when arrested	Libra - hide their victoria secret catalog from you	Aquarius - you never see them. they're shed is in the front yard, yours is in the back
~~Cancer~~ - no cancers!	Scorpio - they've got the only sterile room, but refuse to let you conduct your experiments in it	Pisces - drank all your milk. FROM THE CARTON

Dream Job: Mad Scientist. Someone gives you funding to order up los of shiny apparatus,
play around with ideas all day long. And all they want in return is a smallish, itsy-bitsy little doomsday machine.
Sounds good to you.

Criminal activity: Computer hacker. You don't just do it for the money. Who doesn't like knocking down firewalls,
cracking codes and bluffing your way into impenetrable systems. It's a swiss bank system. So what?

Leo

Sasuke and Kakuzu

Brief overview is that Leos are vain, arrogant, condescending solipsist with imperial longings and an
all-pervasive addiction to unconditional sycophancy.

Your Deadly sin is Pride, the sin that starts all others, and you just love being at the top, center spot light don't you.
Pride goes with Vanity so you get two for the price of one.

Bitch Rating: B++ Why bitch? You're the king, but you can always go in with catty remarks, and
they're big catty remarks.

INcompatibility rating; the dangers of hooking up:

~~Aries~~ - no aries!	Leo - serious strategy defect. Who will do the adoring?	Sagittarius - 'nuff respect? well, no, actually.
Taurus - you flash your claws, they dig in their hooves	~~Virgo~~ - no virgos!	Capricorn - they cramp your style. Hide your gold card!
Gemini - is it you they love, or your penumbra of celebrity?	Libra - synchronized charm offensives; but their magic mirror is compatible with yours.	Aquarius - rational, reticent, and republican.... yet so fascinating
~~Cancer~~ - no cancers!	Scorpio - you suspect they may secretly be in control. You'd be right.	Pisces - pleasingly servile, bu always runaway with Guinevere (or Lancelot) in the end.

Domestic Disharmony; rooming with others:

~~Aries~~ - no aries!	Leo - twin thrones; no room for both sets of courtiers	Sagittarius - they will use your coronation robes for bathmats and forget to turn the faucet off.
Taurus - territorial stand offs in the kitchen; they are stubborn, you are resolute.	~~Virgo~~ - no virgos	Capricorn - forever switching the lights off so no one can see your magnificence properly
Gemini - they laugh in the face of protocol, and will borrow your crown without asking!!!	Libra - serious bathroom gridlock. And they may have more self-portraits then you.	Aquarius - cool brains, they outwit you when it's bill paying time.
~~Cancer~~ - no cancers!	Scorpio - You are the glory, but they are the power. The only roommate you'll never intimidate.	Pisces - pleasingly slavish, but unreliable around corkscrews.

Dream Job: Monarch. You marry into money, power and fame, then maul your way through existing heirs.
How hard can that be?

Criminal Activity: Grand Scammer. Kakuzu. Need I say more?

Capricorn

Hinata and Madara

The brief overview of Capricorn is that they are a cold, cruel, petty-minded slave driver with unsuspected
yet unquenchable ambition and an addiction to tightfisted penny-pinching.

Your Deadly sin is Greed, which sounds so gross and fat-making. We'll say Avarice instead.
However, your inner goat makes up for your tiny heart when let out, going straight for naughty,
but life affirming Lust and Gluttony.

Bitch Rating: B++ You don't really have the spontaneity to bitch, since its undignified, but you write
excoriating emails and sharp worded letters to people when you feel your status has been impugned. Your inner
goat has no such scruples, however, after a few glasses of wine.

INcompatibility rating; the dangers of hooking up:

~~Aries~~ - No aries	Leo - you grovel ingratiatingly to royalty, wanting them to like you, but they walk all over you	Sagittarius - saw through the rungs of your career ladder
Taurus - they do it their way, you do it your way.	~~Virgo~~ - no virgos!	Capricorn - who is THIS rude self-opinionated curmudgeon?!
Gemini - tease you mercilessly in front of the neighbors	Libra - they are your trophy partner, you are their meal ticket	Aquarius - they're on Mt. Chalk, you are on Mt. Cheese
~~Cancer~~ - no cancers!	Scorpio - despise you because your ambition is so obvious	Pisces - always slide off the hook just when you think you've got their life organized for them.

Domestic Disharmony; rooming with others:

~~Aries~~ - No aries	Leo - run up enormous fuel bills and ignore all gilt-edged invoices you deliver by hand	Sagittarius - use the back of chores rota to calculate the odds on your throwing them out
Taurus - they insist on using the oven to bake cakes to their own recipes, rather then yours	~~Virgo~~ - no virgos	Capricorn - the coroner will record the last known deaths by spontaneous hypothermia
Gemini - live rent free because they know about the pentangle and the black alter in the cellar	Libra - couriers clutter the front path with silk cushions and fur rugs sent by their sugar daddies	Aquarius - absentmindedly crack the combination to your vault via their PS2
~~Cancer~~ - no cancer!	Scorpio - they despise you for wallowing in luxury	Pisces - stay warm by drinking your secret stash of single malt

Dream Job: Politician. A natural born self important, self opinionated status junkie with the stamina
to do the spade work on substeering committees until called to office. then you can draft laws to make us
all do things your way.

Criminal Activity: Pimp/Madam. Your inner goat knows all about lust and lechery and how it can part
temporarily blinded fools from their money; your outer goat nderstands how to harness and organize these
dionysiac power to make it pay

Scorpio

Sasori and Hashirama

The brief overview of Scorpio is they are obsessive, possessive manipulator with an unquenchable lust
for power and a penchant for degradation.

Your Deadly sin is Lust. Sure you dabble stylishly with all seven and enjoy vintage weekends with
Greed and Envy, but you always come back to lust. Lust for power, money, status, revenge,
other bodies, your own body (I mean clearly. who's that handsome devil in the mirror). But you secretly wish that
Total control was a deadly sin so you could enjoy it more.

Bitch Rating:A+ People are so frightened of you, you don't have to bother much, but whats the point in
having a sting in your tail if you don't use it? You study psychology of a person and find all those weaknesses where
reality meets ego and self loathing runs near the surface. That's where you make your surgical strikes.

INcompatibility rating; the dangers of hooking up:

~~Aries~~ - no aries	Leo - you want control, they try to overrule you.	Sagittarius - you want total control; they bolt in the night
Taurus - you want total control; they just do what they always do	~~Virgo~~ - no virgos!	Capricorn - you want total control; they engineer a corporate buyout and fire you
Gemini - you want total control; they mock and jeer.	Libra - you want total control; they let you think you got it, but seduce your henchmen	Aquarius - you want total control; they beam up
~~Cancer~~ - no cancer!	Scorpio - you want total control; they want total control. Blood shed is eminent.	Pisces - you want total control; they wriggle out of your clutches

Domestic Disharmony; rooming with others:

~~Aries~~ - no aries	Leo - upholster your stainless steel armchairs in gold lame	Sagittarius - use your genuine 16th century spanish eye gouge to change their oil filter
Taurus - their desire for the cake they know you're hiding from them overwhelms their fear of you. They want that goddamn cake.	~~Virgo~~ - no virgos!	Capricorn - align their flatware at different angles to yours
Gemini - they unscramble all your encrypted phone lines	Libra - they know about the two-way mirrors, but they think they are just for sex games.	Aquarius - they wont tell you what they're up to in the shed.
~~Cancer~~ - no cancer	Scorpio - people will be too scared to visit; fine by you.	Pisces - never remember the door security code, so you have to get up to let them in after midnight. night. after. night.

Dream Job: Secret Agent. Secret power, mysterious code names, an arsenal of gadgets and a car that
transforms into a stealth bomber. And by day you are the mild mannered Kent Clark....

Criminal Activity: Assassin. You leave the bread and butter intra organization contract killing to dull cousin
Taurus. You prefer the edgy intrigue, secrecy and political overtones of a top class assassination; so much more stylish,
and much better pay.

Pisces

Kisame and TenTen

The brief overview of Pisces is that they are slippery, manipulative, unreliable reality dodgers with delusions of adequacy
and an addiction to sentimentality and self-destruction.

Your Deadly sin is hard to point out because you are regularly led astray by all seven sins, often at the same time (Which you
blame on your mood swings, but that's no excuse).

Bitch Rating: A- Stealth class submarine bitchery; you're so wishy-washy topside, people underestimated the power
emotional location system that allows you to hook directly into others' weakest points and go in with spiteful trident.

INcompatibility rating; the dangers of hooking up:

~~Aries~~ - no aries	Leo - they demand unconditional attention; so unreasonable.	Sagittarius - spend most of their life hanging around in bars
Taurus - you despise people who have no control around addictive substances (cake)	~~Virgo~~ - no virgos	Capricorn - wont pay off your credit card bill, so you are forced to turn to a life of crime.
Gemini - they cheat on you with your best friend, then disappear	Libra - just so unreliable	Aquarius - sneer when you say the stars are god's daisy chain
~~Cancer~~ - no cancer	Scorpio - they make spiteful remarks and try to control you by manipulating your emotions	Pisces - blame you for every little thing that goes wrong

Domestic Disharmony; rooming with others:

~~Aries~~ - no aries!	Leo - make you buy new light bulbs just so they can see themselves in the mirror	Sagittarius - pour all your tropical fish into the bath because they dont' like to see animal confined.
Taurus - well, they shouldn't leave their caviar in the refrigerator when you're hungry	~~Virgo~~ - no virgos	Capricorn - won't pay their utility bill until they see a utility
Gemini - you suspect there's more then one person in their room, but it's too dark to see.	Libra - have an ongoing affair with the roachbusting squad	Aquarius - making a fortune out of that anti-retrovirus culture they found under the bath mat.
~~Cancer~~ - no cancers!	Scorpio - never in, but lots of strange people come around after dark and leave packages.	Pisces - you've never seen them, they're always in rehab

Dream Job: World's greatest lover. It's not what you think: it's you floating in a bath of shampagne
while beautiful people of all sexes sob and weep in sheer adoration of your sensitive self, pushing tsunamis of
affection at you, however badly you behave.

Criminal Activity: Pirate. Strictly the old fashion kind; this one has it all: romance, rum, dressing up,
a fast ship for dramatic escapes, more rum, affection - everybody loves a pirate, as long as they don't actually
meat one - and rum.

Taurus

Deidara

The brief overview of Taurus is that you're a stubborn, sybaritic, rut-bound bully, fueled by dull resentment and an
insatiable love of money.

Your Deadly sin is Greed, with substantial side dish of Gluttony. You think having and holding until
death do you part is sensible behavior, and nothing is ever going to change your mind. As for gluttony, what's
wrong with liking your tasty noms?

Bitch Rating: C+ others thing this is because you are naturally kind and charitable, but they are wrong.
It's not that you don't want to bitch, you're just too slow witted to really make an impact. When you do try, you
make dull painful remarks about other people's lack of fashion sense or money.

INcompatibility rating; the dangers of hooking up:

~~Aries~~ - no aries	Leo - impoverished royalty trying to ally with bourgeois money	Sagittarius - sudden action and loud noises always spoil your digestion.
Taurus - irresistible meets immovable; cliche of the titans.	~~Virgo~~ - no virgos	Capricorn - they have more bank accounts then you
Gemini - they dance around you flapping red flags until you snap and kill them.	Libra - all style; you can only deal with substance	Aquarius - think it's an insult to call you a materialist
~~Cancer~~ - no cancers	Scorpio - they can outstare you, you can outsit them. Your evil twin you never knew you had.	Pisces - they sink their fishy little hooks in your wallet.

Domestic Disharmony; rooming with others:

~~Aries~~ - no aries	Leo - their retinue and baggage take up too much territory	Sagittarius - they use our special mug for swilling mouthwash, then accidentally drop it
Taurus - you sit silently in opposite armchairs waiting for each other to see reason	~~Virgo~~ - no virgos	Capricorn - they get up early in the morning to open your bank statements before you can.
Gemini - they move the furniture around when you're not looking.	Libra - they will win any fights over sofa space and TV remote	Aquarius - they have reset all your security codes, just for fun
~~Cancer~~ - no cancers	Scorpio - you suspect they are secretly eating all your cake, but don't dare mention it while you search instead for theirs.	Pisces - every day your wine cellar gets a little roomier.

Dream Job: Asset stripper. Round peg, round hole: your ability to spot a wounded beast,
a bargain and a money making opportunity and your genuine insensitivity to job losses, starving families
and senior citizen suicides and make this a bulls eye.

Criminal Activity: Art thief. Identify target painting. Attend gallery. Bribe security. Slice canvas
from frame, roll up and stuff down pants leg. Invoice client.

Sagittarius

Lee

The brief overview of Sagittarius is that you are a reckless, tactless, obnoxious oaf, with a morbid fear of
restraint and an addiction to losing your shirt.

Your Deadly sin is EVERYTHING. Every single one of them. You're only young once. So you gallop along,
snatching a few mouthful from each.

Bitch Rating: D- but it's difficult: you don't bitch within the meaning of the term, but what you lack in
subtlety and finesse you make up for in crudity and bluntness, blurting out jaw-dropping insults and rude remarks
"without thinking".

INcompatibility rating; the dangers of hooking up:

~~Aries~~ - no aries	Leo - they like to lay down the law, you like to jump all over it	Sagittarius - dead cert for a death-for-misadventure pact
Taurus - they want to settle down, you want to settle up and get the hell out	~~Virgo~~ - no virgo	Capricorn - they have developed a foolproof casino system. Where's the fun in that?
Gemini - lead you astray but you were going there anyway	Libra - you play the field; they play my little pony	Aquarius - intellectual anti-hero meets anti-intellectual stuntman
~~Cancer~~ - no cancers	Scorpio - get incandescent when that controlling with the eyes thing doesn't work	Pisces - wet and clingy, so they cramp your skydiving style.

Domestic Disharmony; rooming with others:

~~Aries~~ - no aries	Leo - they throw you out! just because they own the place	Sagittarius - is that the one who throws great parties when virgo's out? or is that you?
Taurus - keep changing the locks, but you always come through the window anyway	~~Virgo~~ - no virgos	Capricorn - they keep hassling you for your share of the rent (but haven't caught you yet!!)
Gemini - pawn leo's crown and tuck the receipts in the hood of your sleeping bag	Libra - not speaking to you since the night you mistakenly drank their prized bottle of wine	Aquarius - they do jedi mind tricks with your dogs
~~Cancer~~ - no cancers	Scorpio - glare at you when you pick your nose with their knife. What's that all about?	Pisces - follow you around tiresomely, picking up all the half empty bottles you throw out.

Dream Job: Stuntman! YEEEAH! Hang one handed from a helicopter! drive high performance cars
into brick walls!! Dowse yourself in gas and light a match!!

Criminal Activity: Mugger! The simple opportunistic crime you were born for: requires no forward
planning or special tools - just daring, physical strength, and a getaway; yields instant cash for you to lose
immediately at the races.

Libra

Naruto

The brief overview of Libra is vain, shallow, petulant spendthrift with a unerring eye for style over substance
and a life long dedication to the quest for an easy meal ticket.

After some soul searching (omg you HAVE a soul?!), we'll go with vanity, greed, and sloth.
The rest of us are very happy about the sloth part, because it saves us from you acting on your worst impulses.

Bitch Rating: A= or D, depends on where you're standing really. You'd never dream of saying anything nasty
to anyone's face. Instead you whisper poisonous remarks behind your fan or victim's back.

INcompatibility rating; the dangers of hooking up:

~~Aries~~ - no aries!!	Leo - they expect unconditional adoration; so do you...	Sagittarius - when you are prettily piqued, they don't notice
Taurus - they trample and gore anyone you smile at	~~Virgo~~ - no virgos!	Capricorn - they buy you diamond earrings, but keep them in their own safe
Gemini - same games, same tactics, same scams. Stalemate.	Libra - you know how magnets with the same polarity repel each other? Well...	Aquarius - you are from venus. They are from another galaxy
~~Cancer~~ - no cancers	Scorpio - they know you know that they know that you are a tease and a daytripper	Pisces - their scales are a lot more slippery then yours.

Domestic Disharmony; rooming with others:

~~Aries~~ - no aries!	Leo - they expect to be waited on hand and foot; so do you.	Sagittarius - they bring their mates around and practice dropkicks with your raw-silk cushions
Taurus - they refuse to let you rearrange their cushions	~~Virgo~~ - no virgos	Capricorn - they blow out all your scented candles, claiming they are a fire hazard
Gemini - they blackmail any influential people they bump into outside your boudoir	Libra - no chaise is longue enough to accommodate both of you at the same time	Aquarius - their overstuffed bookshelves ruin your feng shui
~~Cancer~~ - no cancer	Scorpio - they throw out the flowers you kindly rearranged to soften the angles of their room	Pisces - they fill up their fish bowl with pink champagne you keep for special guests

Dream Job: Fashion maven. Achingly chic in head to toe black, you dictate what everyone else should
wear, which means that you get to make people who are more successful then you look ugly and foolish. ha-ha.

Criminal Activity: Credit-card fraudster. An ideal career move for the bored shopaholic; you know exactly
what to buy for quick and easy disposal, and your charm keeps the sales clerks so enchanted that they don't look
too closely at the signiture.

Itachi is SO unlike any part of the darkside of gemini,
I can't even bring myself to write it all up :\
for examples see the compatibility stuff with the other signs.

Cancer

Kiba

Briefly, Cancers are grumpy, secretive, passive-aggressive grudge-hoarders, with bipolar mood swings and a
positive genius for pointless worrying.

How you wish you could work up to a full grown deadly sin, but all you can do is manage is watery
own-brand versions. You don't do Anger, you do Irritability. However there is a sin hiding
somewhere in the corner that you hide from us and that is Sloth. I'll get to that later...
it's not the end of the world right?

Bitch rating: B+ For someone who likes to present as the caring king, you are a master of the snappy put-down
(you sit at home in your shell practicing).

INcompatibility rating; the dangers of hooking up:

~~Aries~~ - No aries characters	Leo - they gleam and shine; you, serf, are a mere reflection	Sagittarius - will crush you and your shell without noticing! The evil little...
Taurus -friends have to pry you apart, you are so possesive.	~~Virgo~~ - No Virgo characters!	Capricorn - they use your shell as a step up to higher things
Gemini - you move sideways, they can always outswerve you	Libra - they live for pleasure, you exist because you must	Aquarius - demystify your secret angst sessions by exlpaining the chemistry of light levels
~~Cancer~~ - long moody silences that only end when one of you dies	Scorpio - beadier eyes, a more wieldy shell, that stinger of theirs makes you feel worthless	Pisces - slip out of your grasp to flirt with other shellfish!

Domestic Disharmony; rooming with others:

~~Aries~~ - No aries!	Leo - will be tempted to pay Aries to start a small fire	Sagittarius - they kick aside your strategic piles of old utility bills as if they were unimportant!
Taurus -can't understand why your cookie jars only contain recipe cards and not cookies	~~Virgo~~ - No virgos!	Capricorn - they know where you've safely filed your bank statements... BUT WONT TELL YOU!
Gemini - they lend you their antique collection while they go on vacation; you get arrested	Libra - they may be trapped in the upstairs bathroom, the one behind the old wardrobe you and taurus found last year	Aquarius - made a secret deal to sell some of you rolder collection to the smithsonian
~~Cancer~~ - they bring in loads of junk that gets in the way of your vastly more important items	Scorpio - they use their glare-power to make you throw things away!	Pisces - they contribute a rival hoard of corks and bottle tops to piss you off

Dream Job: The moon is full: you dream you're a super hero (cosmically empowered to infantilize the populace and
save them from themselves, ensuring their eternal gratitude and shower you with love, gifts and
affection you deserve!); the moon is dark, you dream that no one needs you... is there no
middle ground??

Criminal activity: Romance, history, dark waters, secret passages, success or failure
turing on the tide. The freedom! The mysterious sex appeal! Even goodie two shoed crabs might
like to try this one!

A lot of this stuff made me lawl a lot and I just wanted to share the fun ^^

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	smileyface 2010-02-26 02:40 pm UTC (link)
	Watch your credit card. >:\| (Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)

	notyourfantasy 2010-02-26 08:13 pm UTC (link)
	Watch your fingers. It's booby trapped. (Reply to this)(Parent)