| 4th APRIL |
[04 Dec 2007|09:21am] |
I found my nail clippers this morning. Guess I musta kicked it underneath my bed or something, but it reminded me of the time my mum's mad sister gave me a pair for my birthday one year, and then she warned my mum that I might turn out GAY because I didn't fancy getting a pair of toenail clippers for my eighth birthday. What kid wants TOENAIL CLIPPERS as a birthday present?
I think she wanted it to go something like this:
Miranda: Happy birthday, Morag!
Morag: Oh, thank you auntie! *finds toenail clippers* *beams!*
Miranda: Do you like it?
Morag: Oh yes! I love it so much, auntie!
Instead, it went something a little more like this:
Miranda: Happy birthday, Morry! Oh, dear, that's such a masculine nickname, Elspeth! We simply cannot call her Morry!
Elspeth: That's what she wants! She won't answer to anything else.
Miranda: Mark my words; that one'll grow up to be a --- *whispers* homo-sexual.
Elspeth: *gapes!*
Morag: What the bleeding hell?
Elspeth: MORAG AILEEN MACDOUGAL! GO WASH YOUR MOUTH OUT WITH SOAP!
Morag: But bleeding's not a bad word!
Elspeth: You know we've talked about this!
Morag: Well, if I've gotta wash my mouth out, I'm gonna say this: Sod this, auntie? I'm eight!!
Elspeth & Miranda: *gasp like idiots!*
That's still an exaggeration, obviously, but you get the idea, right?
The woman's just ridiculous! Seriously, seriously ridiculous. She bought me a robin's egg BLUE dress, and all right, blue is fine. But ROBIN'S EGG? So I was sitting there in that stupid dress, while I kept smelling this weird... smell because -- you guessed it -- my sodding aunt doused the stupid thing in some sort of rancid flowered perfume. I wanted to shove a bleeding sock in her mouth and wrap her up in tape to get her to go away.
You know... now that I'm thinking about it, in honour of THAT particular remembrance, I won't be trimming my toenails tonight.
SOD THIS, AUNTIE!
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