| July 23, 3 am |
[Feb. 23rd, 2012|09:22 am] |
...
...
Yeah.
IDEK.
WHY! What did I do to deserve all this? Melly, Melia, work, Leslie, and now this. Just... Sigh.
Head. Desk.
Shrug.
This has been a memorable summer. |
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| June 23rd, around noon |
[Jan. 24th, 2012|01:00 am] |
I am having a really bad week. I need a break. Maybe everyone's right and I do just need to get laid or lighten up or something. I wish I had a girlfriend. |
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| June 19th, 2011. 2 am |
[Jan. 19th, 2012|10:18 pm] |
[PRIVATE! MY EYES ONLY! Why am I writing this down? IDEK I just need to get it out. DID I MENTION THIS IS PRIVATE? OK]
Why am I SUCH an idiot? I don't even know...
So okay... I kinda ditched school a couple months ago to go out with Melly before spring break. And then I left class and went and made out with her again a few weeks later. But we were at Chelle's party and she was flirting with all of these other guys and at first it didn't bother me because I felt like she wanted me anyway, but then she went to prom with Aaron.
Ugh I'm just rambling.
I got kind of jealous? I thought she didn't want me. And then she messaged me out of the blue and showed up here. And we were making out again. And she like pulled at my shirt so I took it off. And she had a bathing suit on and I was like what the hell and took her shirt off. And we kissed for a while. And then... She started like grabbing at my jeans and I sort of freaked out? And grabbed her hands and was like What are you doing? And she was like Taking your pants off, silly or something like that. I don't really remember. And I was like don't do that and she looked at me and then I was like I don't want to, not like this, not like... And then I told her to leave. LEAVE!
I am SO stupid! What the hell is wrong with me? I don't... I don't even know. Part of me is like I did it because I don't really know her or have feelings for her. Part of me is like I don't want to be like that, like fooling around with people I'm not with. Part of me is like are you stupid? Part of me didn't think she liked me that much, but then why would she come over here and kiss me like that and touch me like that and... AAAAAH! I'm so mad at myself.
But I didn't want to just mess around. And she doesn't seem like she wants a relationship, she flirts with everyone and has like a history, and I don't want to do that until I'm with a girl in a relationship not just like that. Not just fooling around like that. I don't even know. I feel awful about it. I think I hurt her feelings? I don't know. Shouldn't I feel good about myself for like wanting to wait to be in a relationship? I just feel stupid.
I'm just going to try REALLY hard to forget this happened.
Except I can't.
I hurt her feelings. I didn't get anything out of it. And now I am alone instead of having someone to hang out with and make out with sometimes. I have NO ONE. But did I even want her? Maybe I could have one day? I don't know. I feel like I should really want someone before I do something like that.
I'm just... ugh. I'm so stupid. I shouldn't have been making out with her period I guess. I shouldn't have led her on if I wasn't going to I don't know. I just don't know. How can you feel like you made the right choice and a mistake at the same time? Maybe I should have told her? I didn't want her to think I was stupid or something though. And she has way more experience and options than a guy like me.
I just... I don't know. |
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| June 15, 2012 3pm |
[Jan. 15th, 2012|10:32 pm] |
So school's out so I'm gonna be at home a lot. Unless people have things going on. Chelle's party was the last time I went out really. I'm not much of a party person though, unless someone encourages me to go. I like just hanging out in my room apartment with a few cool people. It's quiet and nice and intimate. And private. I like having a room out away from everything on top of the separate garage. I think my siblings are taking up residence with me out there in the yard. It's sort of funny having all of us splayed out on the couch and the bed watching really old bad 90s movies. Who thought dressing David Bowie like that was a good idea? The world will never know.
I'm trying to get more hours stocking at the pharmacy. It's a pretty sweet gig getting to come and go as I please like that. I like it anyway. Probably gonna take some trips out to the lake with people. Hiking, swimming, you know the drill.
So long as I get to hang out with some cool people, have a good conversation, I'm all good. What's up with you all? |
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[Nov. 17th, 2011|11:54 pm] |
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Josh Roberts
( bio )
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