| Damage Control |
[29 Aug 2008|12:25pm] |
It has been a rough few weeks... to make a really long story short, my mother and I have never really gotten along - things were extremely rough during my childhood and teenage years, and because of her indifference and refusal to take responsibility for any of that abuse, we never patched things up as adults. Since Dad's death, I have tried very hard to put all of that aside and realize that everyone is grieving and tried to be compassionate. I even sent her flowers on (what would have been) their 39th wedding anniversary. She said to me, "you've turned into such a compassionate young woman", and I guess she didn't realize that I've always been this way... she just never cared to see it before.
I was extremely close to my father, my entire life, something she always resented. Her attitude since his death has been rather callous, to both myself and my sister, and the final blow came the other day when I was out at the house visiting and gathering some of my stuff to move. I won't go into what she said/did, because to do so would require a lengthy background on our lives, but when it happened, it felt like Dad had just died all over again.
I can't explain it, but suddenly it was like no time had passed. I went out into the garage (my Dad's shop where he was always found fixing or building something, and always greeted me with a smile and a "hey, sweetie!" or "hey, kiddo!"), and I just broke down and sobbed. I sat there, alone among Dad's things, every corner holding some memory of something he said, or did, and the sadness and loneliness almost overwhelmed me. I got dizzy and sick feeling.. my mouth was dry and my face was wet with tears. A long time ago, I told Dad that if anything ever happened to him and I was stuck with Mom, I would be screwed. Completely on my own for any and every thing from then on out, and he assured me that I was mistaken and that she loved me just as much as he did (though she never, ever said it, whereas Dad said it every time we talked). I wanted to believe him, especially after this happened. I thought his tragic death would bring about some change in her, and she would at least try to be a mother to me, try to be compassionate or sensitive in some way, but it's been almost 6 months and it hasn't happened. She seems to think that she is the most affected by his death, and I have no doubt she is sad. We all are, but what I explained to her is that although they were together for a long time, she has known a life without him in it, whereas my sister and I have not. He has always been there, from day one, our entire lives, and he was our mentor, our hero, our auto mechanic, our 'loan officer', our shoulder to cry on, our rescuer, our taxi driver, our closet monster investigator, our co-pilot on crazy amusement park rides, our 24 hour tow-truck driver... you name it, Dad was it. Losing him is like losing my right arm or half of my heart. He was my best friend.
Our family situation is complicated, to the degree that, although my parents were married up until his death, my Dad was the only family I ever really felt I had. I avoided Mom like the plague, and my sister has always been off in her own world, not letting any of us in. I guess that moment, where Dad would have spoken up for me, defended me, and found some way to make it okay, there was silence, and it cemented (as if I needed an additional reminder) the fact that he is gone. I can't go out to the garage anymore and see him, smiling, covered in grease, to vent about how insensitive she is.. I can't call him and curse until I am blue in the face about how much I can't stand her.. I can't get that reminder that, no matter what she says or does, he loves me just the way I am and always will.
I always knew I would miss him, and that his death would devastate me. What I didn't fully realize, until that moment, was what a huge impact his unconditional love was, an invisible shield from the verbal swords she is so fond of throwing at me.
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