gypsy's Journal [entries|friends|calendar] gypsy Dancing with Dragonflies Chasing the dragonfly, dancing with light, my eyes fixed on shimmering wings, my heart in flight. On the edge of a lily pad lands the dragonfly, tail like a blue thread loosened from the sky. And what is a butterfly, you ask? At best, he is but a caterpillar, finely dressed. A dragonfly captures the soul and mind, all this in only a moment of time. [ userinfo | scribbld userinfo ] [ calendar | scribbld calendar ]

HR 669 [Friday, April 10th 2009] The following is posted from a ferret website. Has anyone seen this? Opinions?? Is this a scare tactic or are ferret and other exotic pet owners really in danger of losing their pets??? ACTION ALERT - FROM AFA, ASA, and NAIA, with additional information from PIJAC WE NEED YOUR HELP - WHETHER YOU OWN AN "EXOTIC" ANIMAL OR ANY OTHER ANIMAL. HR 669 IS SET FOR HEARING ON 4/23/09. WE ALL NEED TO WORK TOGETHER TO KILL HR 669 NOW. ( THE ISSUE - WHAT IS HR 669? - WHAT WILL IT DO? )

Dog Park Pics :) [Thursday, April 9th 2009] Went to the dog park today. It was a blast :) There were two other Huskies there, another red one (who wouldn't hold still long enough for me to get a decent picture!) and a white one. There were two Bulldogs there, as well, playing tug with a frisbee they stole from a Yellow Lab. My boy is all tuckered out now, sleeping on the floor next to the couch. A tired dog is a good dog, I guess =) ( More pics... ) 1

International Romani Day [Wednesday, April 8th 2009] For those of you unfamiliar with the Romani culture, today is International Romani Day. I am reposting the following, courtesy of the KARFIN Lollipop email list: Here is a link to a speech by Secretary of State Hillary Clinton (who has been aware of Romani issues for some time), marking this day: http://blogs.state.gov/index.php/entries/international_roma_day/ This is a short documentary on International Day of Roma (as celebrated by some Russian Roma). It shows an interesting contrast between Roma who beg on the streets and the rest of the Roma portrayed in the clip, who have most likely had access to better education and better opportunities. http://video.yandex.ru/users/dmlihachev/view/1/ ( Read more... )

Sylvia Plath's son commits suicide [Monday, March 23rd 2009] The son of tragedy-scarred poets Ted Hughes and Sylvia Plath has killed himself 46 years after his mother LONDON (AFP) – The son of tragedy-scarred poets Ted Hughes and Sylvia Plath has killed himself 46 years after his mother gassed herself, The Times reported on Monday. Nicholas Hughes hanged himself in his home in the US state of Alaska last week after battling depression, his sister told the newspaper, 40 years to the day after Hughes' next lover also killed herself. Hughes was a professor of fisheries and ocean sciences at the University of Alaska-Fairbanks, although he had recently left the post shortly before he died to set up a pottery at home. "It is with profound sorrow that I must announce the death of my brother, Nicholas Hughes, who died by his own hand on Monday 16th March 2009 at his home in Alaska," Frieda Hughes said in a statement published by The Times. "He had been battling depression for some time." Nicholas Hughes was unmarried, and had no children. Plath killed herself by breathing in fumes from a kitchen oven in February 1963, preventing the fumes from seeping into her children's room by sealing the kitchen door with towels. Ted Hughes, who died in 1998, suffered another loss six years later when his mistress Assia Wevill gassed herself and their daughter on March 23, 1969, in an apparent copycat suicide. Critics have long accused the English poet of driving Plath -- whom he met when she was on a Fulbright Scholarship from the United States -- to her death because of his relationships with other women. Hughes remained silent on Plath's death for years, until shortly before his death when he examined their turbulent life together and his reaction to her death in Birthday Letters, published in 1998. http://news.yahoo.com/s/afp/20090323/wl_uk_afp/britainusliteraturesuicide

Holocaust-denying bishop banned in LA [Wednesday, March 4th 2009] by Michael Paulson March 3, 2009 03:11 PM http://www.boston.com/news/local/articles_of_faith/2009/03/holocaustdenyin.html Cardinal Roger M. Mahony (right) of Los Angeles today is announcing that he is barring the Holocaust-denying traditionalist bishop, Richard Williamson, from entering any church in the Archdiocese of Los Angeles. In an unusual step, Mahony and two Jewish leaders penned a joint op-ed piece that today is being published in both the archdiocesan newspaper, The Tidings, and a local Jewish newspaper, the Jewish Journal. An excerpt: "Williamson's recent 'apologies' fall far short of satisfying the letter or the spirit of the Vatican's directives. Yet while Williamson seems unwilling or unable to reject his odious positions, many religious and civic leaders have used his situation to acknowledge the Holocaust and to affirm its unique and terrible place in history. We are heartened by the many leaders around the world who have rejected Williamson's views. In particular, German Chancellor Angela Merkel, and Argentine Minister of the Interior Florencio Randazzo, whose country recently expelled Williamson, not to mention nearly 50 Catholic members of the U.S. Congress who wrote to the Vatican to express their concerns. In the Los Angeles Archdiocese, Williamson is hereby banned from entering any Catholic church, school or other facility, until he and his group comply fully and unequivocally with the Vatican's directives regarding the Holocaust. Later this year, I, Cardinal Mahony, will visit Israel and pay my respects to the Jewish victims of the Holocaust at the Yad Vashem Memorial in Jerusalem. Holocaust deniers like Williamson will find no sympathetic ear or place of refuge in the Catholic Church, of which he is not --- and may never become --- a member."

blueberry girl [Monday, March 2nd 2009] A word from the author... Hello. You're probably wondering what kind of book this is. This is the kind of book that comes about when a friend phones you and says, "I'll be having a baby in a month. Would you write her a poem? A sort of prayer, maybe? We call her the Blueberry. . . ." And you think, Yes, actually. I would. I wrote the poem. When the baby was born, they stopped calling her the Blueberry and started calling her Natashya, but they pinned up the handwritten Blueberry girl poem beside her bed. I kept a copy at my house, taped to a filing cabinet. And when friends read it, they said things like "Please, can I have a copy for my friend who is going to be giving birth to a daughter?" and I wound up copying it out for people, over and over. I wasn't going to let it be published, not ever. It was private, and written for one person, even if I did seem to be spending more and more of my time handwriting or printing out nice copies for mothers-to-be and for babies. Then artist Charles Vess (whom I had collaborated with on Stardust) read it. And somehow, it all became simple. I made a few phone calls. We decided to make some donations to some charities. And Charles began to draw, and then to paint, taking the poem as a starting point and then making something universal and beautiful. On his blog he said, "Taking Neil's lovely poetic meditation on the inherent joys of a mother-daughter relationship and developing a compelling narrative impulse without robbing the poem of its highly symbolic nature was an interesting conceptual journey." Which I think is Charles for "It wasn't easy to make that poem into a picture book.” He did an astonishing job, but I still worried. I stopped worrying the day the assistant editor at HarperChildrens, who was herself pregnant, called me to let me know that she'd got the artwork in, and read it, and then started crying in the office. It's a book for mothers and for mothers-to-be. It's a book for anyone who has, or is, a daughter. It's a prayer and a poem, and now it's a beautiful book. I hope you enjoy it. I'm really proud of it. And I hope this means I don't have to copy it out any longer…. Neil

Anaphylaxis, or "I am allergic to Texas" [Tuesday, February 17th 2009] For the last few months, I have had a theory that the high doses of chlorine in the Dallas water supply was making me ill. Nausea, diarrhea, weight loss and abdominal cramping are the main symptoms of chlorine poisoning, as well as what I now know to be the main symptoms of ingestion of an allergen. When I stopped drinking city water and switched over to bottled spring water, and the symptoms went away, I knew I was right. What I didn't count on is that it could also kill me. Last night, after taking a long, hot bath (the chlorine content in the city water is so high here that your bathroom, shower, even your skin smells like a public pool for hours after) and taking a walk, my head began to itch. Just a little at first, and then fiercely. Then, my palms began to itch like crazy, and within the next few minutes, my entire body was broken out into hives, and my face began to swell. Not ever having had an allergic reaction before, I asked my husband to call the ambulance. It's a very good thing I did as soon as the swelling began, because what I was experiencing is called "anaphylaxis" (severe allergic reaction defined by hives and facial swelling, which without immediate medical treatment often progresses to bronchial swelling, cessation of breathing and shock/death). The two associated conditions are anaphylaxis and anaphylactic shock. They are basically the same condition, the shock being what happens when the reaction is not treated immediately with steroids, antihistamines (Benedryl) and epinephrine. So, what happened to me last night which led me to call the ambulance was anaphylaxis - had I not called, it would very likely have progressed to shock, then death, often within a matter of less than 10 minutes. Everything I have been told by the paramedics and doctors and what I've read says that hives by themselves do not indicate a serious reaction, but swelling of the face, neck, lips and/or tongue defines it as anaphylaxis and requires immediate medical attention. The doctors said that when the face begins to swell, the next part of the reaction is bronchial swelling (closing of the throat, often to the point of closing it completely and preventing breathing at all, or administration of CPR, which requires a tracheotomy and intubation to maintain breathing). In short, if I had waited even 3 or 4 minutes to call the ambulance (which got here in less than 2 minutes - we must live close!) it's very possible this could have killed me ~ or at the very least, made emergency treatment a whole lot more uncomfortable than just the IV meds I received. Anaphylaxis can occur after immediate exposure to an allergen (such as a bee sting or snake bite) or after long-term or consistent exposure to an allergen over a period of time. It can take between 5 seconds and 5 hours to set in after the most recent triggering exposure. This is really bad, and is not a normal allergic reaction. It is the kind of reaction that can worsen with each exposure, making the time available for successful treatment shorter and shorter with each episode. The ER doctor suggested I see an allergist in the next week to discuss getting an EpiPen (self-administered, metered-dose epinephrine shot) to carry with me if this happens again, so I can start the process of reversing the reaction immediately while waiting for the ambulance. If the allergy is chlorine (which does exist but is relatively rare ~ it is usually just a "sensitivity", not a full blown allergy which in severe cases causes what I had lastnight) it very likely means I will not ever be able to swim in chlorinated water again. The nurse lastnight said that in Texas, in the summer months or when it's warm (which here is above 70 degrees, or more specifically, March to November) the chlorine content of the city water is raised significantly. She says this could already be happening, which could explain the reaction. Chlorine is especially dangerous because it is a Type 4 Allergen, which means it can cause a reaction in every possible way: through ingestion, inhalation, skin contact, etc. and also because it is found in everything from cleaners to water to dish and laundry detergent. Since we just cleaned our closet out and washed all our clothes, it is also possible that going to walk/work-out and sweating allowed even more to be absorbed through my skin from my clothing ~ I was walking lastnight after my bath when the reaction began. Chlorine is also bad because it interacts with your body on a cellular level, because of it's chemical make-up. She said if I had also shown signs of nausea, vomiting or diarrhea, they would be pursuing a food allergy as the cause, because those symptoms are almost always present in the case of ingestion of the allergen (the very same symptoms I was experiencing from day one of moving here up until early January when I started drinking bottled water and the symptoms quickly diminished). However, my overall exposure rate is what determines the severity of the reaction, with each exposure causing a more serious reaction. I have been advised not to bathe or expose myself to chlorine, bleach, etc. for the next week. I bought chlorine-free laundry detergent and dish soap, and more bottled spring water. I also bought sensitive skin baby wipes to use to clean myself since I am unable to bathe or shower while under treatment. They said that rebound reactions are very common in the first few days after the initial reaction, (even without new exposure) which is why I am on a high dose of steroids (60 mg as opposed to the usual 5 mg-10 mg dose), and antihistamines for the next few days. In closing, this is NOT GOOD and could be something that prevents me from living in densely populated living areas and/or big cities which use chlorine as their main water purifier. I have more research to do, but what I've come up with so far says that the water filters for showers and baths only remove 10-20% of the chlorine, which may not be enough. The suggestion is to purchase a "whole house filtration system" that works on reverse osmosis rather than carbon filtering (which is the method used by Brita as well as many other filter companies). This reaction may have happened due to my living here for 4 years before, being very ill, and then leaving, which desensitized me because of the removal of constant exposure to high levels of chlorine. Moving back to Portland may have saved me from having this reaction before, and moving back here may have reactivated my immune system to a higher degree, since this is the second instance of prolonged exposure. To put it bluntly, I may not be able to live here, and I may have ruined my ability to use swimming pools, hot tubs and cleaners which contain chlorine, for the rest of my life.

The best birthday present ever.. [Friday, January 2nd 2009] Pesaro Team Triumphs at Basketball Game Against Racism   The Pesaro team triumphed, winning 99-72 at the Basketball game against racism held at Pesaro, Italy, on Dec. 28, 2008. The representatives of the Roma community applauded the skills of Hicks, Curry, Akindele, Hurd and Myers. The “Vuelle” fans applauded in their turn the red and white banner bearing the words “The Roma of Pesaro and Scavolini against racism”. http://www.tolerance.ca/Article.aspx?ID=30608&L=fr   In a few days’ time the players of the Pesaro team will visit the derelict factory where some of the Roma families of Pesaro live in poverty, but with great dignity. “The visit means a lot to us”, said Rodolfo Filippini, who is in charge of relations with schools, “because our team wishes to become an example of tolerance for the younger generations: without these values, sporting victories would lose their meaning. News about the “anti-racism basketball game” has travelled around the world, aided by the most important networks representing the Roma in the EU, like “O Nevo Drom” and “Roma Virtual Network”. A dossier on the initiative promoted by Scavolini Spar, in collaboration with EveryOne Group, has already been sent to the European Commission and the UN’s Committee on the Elimination of Racial Discrimination (CERD). Scavolini Basket represents the soul of Pesaro and now we hope that the local institutions follow the team’s example and undertake a serious project of integration of the Roma of Pesaro who are living in conditions of great hardship. Before the game the speaker announced the presence on the terraces of Roberto Malini from EveryOne Group and a large number of representatives from the Roma community living in Pesaro who had received free tickets. Some children walked around the hall holding a banner with the slogan of Scavolini’s antiracist campaign: “All different, all the same”. (x-posted to several Romany communities)

kickin' it old-school [Thursday, December 25th 2008] Anybody else hate the new profile page design? If, like me, you've been on LJ for a long time and would prefer to view profiles in the old style, go here. Once you install the script, you will be able to view profiles in the previous (somewhat normal looking!) format. Note: Once installed, this only changes how your computer views the page... if you view it at work or in another system or browser where the script is not installed, it will be the new style profile (and if you have questions, leave a comment in that thread, because I am certainly no expert on Greasemonkey scripts!) Merry Christmas!

When someone loses a loved one.. [Thursday, December 4th 2008] When someone loses a loved one.. that is the time to put grudges aside. It is a time for forgiveness. It is a time for understanding. It is a time to give them that extra bit of slack.. or huge amounts of it, if necessary. When someone loses a loved one.. that is the time that they are most vulnerable. It is a time when they are the most 'human'. It is a time when they are the most fragile.. and easily broken. When someone loses a loved one.. they are not going to 'get over it' tomorrow, or next month, or even next year. They are not going to stop thinking about the person who has passed. They are not going to forget what is missing, even after everyone else does. When someone loses a loved one.. they need compassion. They need love. They need to cry, to scream, to laugh, to fall apart and put themselves back together, over and over again. They need you to realize that every day of their life is now different.. another unique reminder of what they've lost. When someone loses a loved one.. don't be afraid to comfort them. Don't be afraid to acknowledge their loss. Don't be afraid to make them cry, because they're going to cry anyway. Don't be afraid to say the wrong thing, because the worst thing to say is nothing at all. When someone loses a loved one.. they are haunted by the person they used to be. By the life they used to have. By the memories of the one who is gone. A person can never be replaced, and those they leave behind are never the same. When someone loses a loved one.. they will be angry. They will be sad. They will tell you the same stories, share the same anecdotes, over and over, until you could recite them yourself. Let them. It is a way of keeping their memory alive. When someone loses a loved one.. be kind to them. They are going through their own private hell, and every single day requires a strength that, until you've experienced it yourself, is simply unimaginable.

Change is coming... [Wednesday, November 5th 2008] The past 8 years in this country have been frightening ones. We watched the towers come down. We watched as our fear slowly replaced our constitutional rights. We watched the economy fall. We watched as our brave soldiers came home in droves, not to the joyous embraces of their family members, but in body bags. We watched as our great country that we should be proud of became something for which we felt shame. Something needed to change, for the rest of the world as much as for us. And, now, that change is coming. I was pleasantly surprised to see the beginning of that change come in the form of John McCain's concession speech. It is unfortunate that some of his supporters felt the need to interrupt and patronize him while he delivered what I thought to be one of the most heartfelt, compassionate, hopeful and honorable speeches a candidate could make. It was the beginning of the return of a feeling of pride in being an American, something I haven't felt in a very long time. And, although I did not cast my vote for him, I want to thank him for restoring some of my faith in these states being united again - for reminding us all that, despite our differences, we are all Americans, and in the words of John McCain, "Americans never quit. We never surrender." ( McCain's Concession Speech )

Apparently, endometriosis is contagious.. [Tuesday, November 4th 2008] Apparently, endometriosis is contagious. They thought it might be hereditary, and they are still on the fence on that one, but my observations tell me that it seems to be something women can 'catch' from one another. At least, that's what people who've known me seem to believe. Women... listen up. Just because you have pain, it does not mean you have endo. Just because you have a heavy flow day, a bad period, a difficult week, depression, occasional back pain, a bad break up, nausea, or vomit once in awhile, it does not mean you have endo. Just because you're infertile (or believe that you are) does not mean you have endo. Just because you have a friend, mother, sister, daughter, teacher or boss with endo, it does not mean you have endo. Just because the nurse at the ER mentioned it as a possibility, or the quack doctor you see told you it could be, does not mean you have endo. Read very carefully: unless you have had SURGERY to diagnose endometriosis, please stop claiming to have endo, because that is the ONLY way to diagnose it. No ultrasounds. No x-rays. No pap smears. No diagnosis based on symptoms alone. The female body is a complex thing. There are many, MANY things that can cause one (or all) of these symptoms. Any woman who has struggled with and actually been diagnosed with endo or infertility will tell you, it is extremely disrespectful to them, and all women who suffer with these issues, to parade around as though you are 'one of us' when you really have no idea what your problem actually is. And, here's a little newsflash for you... if you truly believe you have a condition that is causing this sort of imbalance in your body, there are a few things you can do (prior to as well as after your diagnosis) to help alleviate some of those symptoms. 1. If you drink, STOP. Alcohol (and expressly, the abuse of it) will only cause further problems, and it doesn't mix well with pain pills, (narcotic or otherwise) and trust me, ladies, if you have endo, you NEED pain pills. You'll only end up destroying your liver in the end. 2. Limit your intake of sugar, caffeine, dairy and meat. Think I'm joking? How do you think us 'endo girls' get to be so skinny? The more endo tissue you have (and the more places you have it in) the more these things will aggravate your digestive system, causing pain, nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, loss of appetite and frequent urination. 3. Have the surgery to find out what is really going on. Endo symptoms are similar to a lot of other conditions, (two being ovarian and uterine cancer) so it's best to find out right away what is wrong, in case it's something a lot more serious (and deadly). I've been dealing with this condition for 10+ years. I suffered for years before being diagnosed, because at that time not many regular doctors even knew what endo was. Now that the medical community as a whole is more knowledgeable, they seem to toss the word around like candy. Even if your doctor mentions endo (and no matter what he or she may say to the contrary) they cannot diagnose it without surgery. In fact, if you have a doctor telling you otherwise, it would be in your best interest to quickly find a new doctor, because they clearly aren't very educated on the disease. Only you know how you feel, and if you are having symptoms that alert you to a problem, by all means get yourself checked out. However, until you do, and a definitive diagnosis is made, please stop saying you have endo. It could be any number of conditions with those general symptoms, and assuming it's endo without finding out for sure is both disrespectful to those of us who are long-time (diagnosed) endo sufferers, and dangerous for you if it turns out you're wrong.

They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger... [Thursday, October 23rd 2008] The first few months after someone dies, people rally around you. They check up on you. They worry about you. They tell you it will be ok. Then, time goes by and people who aren't directly connected, they forget. It is less prominent in their lives, and they don't think about it as much, if at all. But the people who lost someone, they don't forget. Every day is different for them. Every moment is a reminder that something, someone, is missing. I guess people think I should be "done" grieving by now. I don't believe that time heals all wounds. I don't believe that things will ever be "ok" ever again. My Dad was my best friend and my parent who raised me and cared for me for 30 years - who called me everyday to see how I was - who brought me Gatorade and movies when I was sick - who was proud of me when I did something great and there for me when I totally fucked up - who always told me he loved me, every time we talked. Death makes you realize, no human is replaceable. All those little things combine to make a person you can never, ever forget. I don't know who 'they' are, but they've obviously never lost someone close to them because 'they' don't understand... there is no expiration date on grief. It comes in waves, smells, words of strangers, the father in the supermarket who swings their kid around in a playful hug or calms them when they cry, the old man and the middle-aged one out fishing together, his favorite candy, or a tv show.. I know that, even if I live to be 90 years old, I will still cry for Dad. I will still think of him every day. It will still hurt... and I will never be 'done' missing him.

7 [Saturday, October 18th 2008] Today is 7 months. I still reach for my phone before I remember. I still feel like I've been hit by a truck when I do. I still think I can go visit him, and he'll be in the garage, smiling at me as I pull up. I still can't wait to tell him so many things, stupid little things that mean nothing... except now, they mean everything, simply because I can no longer say them. I have to look at pictures to see his face now, a man of such life and expression, reduced to poses in front of water falls, family photos, birthdays, with none of the in between. It's the in between that I miss the most. The everyday. No day would have been the right day. No amount of time would have been enough. But I wasn't ready for this. I watch old videos or see old pictures, and I'm jealous of the girl in those photos... the girl who still has her Dad. I want my life back. I want his life back. I want to keep going and I want to stop feeling like all that means is waiting for it to be over, so I can see him again.

Broken Heart Syndrome [Thursday, October 16th 2008] Your grandmother learns her husband has passed away and immediately begins complaining of chest pain. This sort of reaction — experiencing chest pain or a heart attack after hearing bad news — is sometimes shown in television and movies. But it's not just fiction. Some people seem to actually get symptoms mimicking a heart attack after hearing bad news or experiencing other types of stress, a phenomenon doctors now refer to as ( broken heart syndrome.. )

the chaos factor [Saturday, October 4th 2008] It's funny, the things you find while browsing friends' blogs on the internet late at night (or is that early in the morning... whatever). This cracks me up: a dating site for (who else?) Zombies! I know what you're all thinking... it's about time.. lol. Either I've had too much Sudafed, or not enough. Either way, it's got me awake and thinking when I should be asleep and dreaming... about things I've done, things I didn't do, and things I wanted to say but probably shouldn't have anyway. Funny the times I decide to remain silent ~ I guess I do possess some sort of filter, after all. Who'd have thought... Yes, I am aware that I'm rambling. It's partially intentional, and partially due to lack of sleep. My throat is a bit sore and I've got the beginnings (or endings, I'm not really sure which) of some kind of bug or flu. I've been downing Airborne, trying to keep it at bay. I think the move has got me a bit stir crazy. I just want to be settled and in some normal pattern for a change. The past 6 months of my life has been a roller-coaster and I am in serious need of some stable footing to get my bearings back. And, at the same time, I'm craving some marvelous distraction that will take me out of my life for awhile. I want to feel something again, something besides this pain. I think the regular characters in my life (love them, though I do) are getting a bit predictable and mundane. I want to shake things up, and that always seems to get me into trouble. It's not my fault that trouble always looks so good...

made it to TX! [Friday, September 12th 2008] We made it to TX, actually on the 9th... it was a nice, uneventful journey, and everyone made it safely. I have no internet at home yet, so I am at the library. I hope everyone is well.

Damage Control [Friday, August 29th 2008] It has been a rough few weeks... to make a really long story short, my mother and I have never really gotten along - things were extremely rough during my childhood and teenage years, and because of her indifference and refusal to take responsibility for any of that abuse, we never patched things up as adults. Since Dad's death, I have tried very hard to put all of that aside and realize that everyone is grieving and tried to be compassionate. I even sent her flowers on (what would have been) their 39th wedding anniversary. She said to me, "you've turned into such a compassionate young woman", and I guess she didn't realize that I've always been this way... she just never cared to see it before. I was extremely close to my father, my entire life, something she always resented. Her attitude since his death has been rather callous, to both myself and my sister, and the final blow came the other day when I was out at the house visiting and gathering some of my stuff to move. I won't go into what she said/did, because to do so would require a lengthy background on our lives, but when it happened, it felt like Dad had just died all over again. I can't explain it, but suddenly it was like no time had passed. I went out into the garage (my Dad's shop where he was always found fixing or building something, and always greeted me with a smile and a "hey, sweetie!" or "hey, kiddo!"), and I just broke down and sobbed. I sat there, alone among Dad's things, every corner holding some memory of something he said, or did, and the sadness and loneliness almost overwhelmed me. I got dizzy and sick feeling.. my mouth was dry and my face was wet with tears. A long time ago, I told Dad that if anything ever happened to him and I was stuck with Mom, I would be screwed. Completely on my own for any and every thing from then on out, and he assured me that I was mistaken and that she loved me just as much as he did (though she never, ever said it, whereas Dad said it every time we talked). I wanted to believe him, especially after this happened. I thought his tragic death would bring about some change in her, and she would at least try to be a mother to me, try to be compassionate or sensitive in some way, but it's been almost 6 months and it hasn't happened. She seems to think that she is the most affected by his death, and I have no doubt she is sad. We all are, but what I explained to her is that although they were together for a long time, she has known a life without him in it, whereas my sister and I have not. He has always been there, from day one, our entire lives, and he was our mentor, our hero, our auto mechanic, our 'loan officer', our shoulder to cry on, our rescuer, our taxi driver, our closet monster investigator, our co-pilot on crazy amusement park rides, our 24 hour tow-truck driver... you name it, Dad was it. Losing him is like losing my right arm or half of my heart. He was my best friend. Our family situation is complicated, to the degree that, although my parents were married up until his death, my Dad was the only family I ever really felt I had. I avoided Mom like the plague, and my sister has always been off in her own world, not letting any of us in. I guess that moment, where Dad would have spoken up for me, defended me, and found some way to make it okay, there was silence, and it cemented (as if I needed an additional reminder) the fact that he is gone. I can't go out to the garage anymore and see him, smiling, covered in grease, to vent about how insensitive she is.. I can't call him and curse until I am blue in the face about how much I can't stand her.. I can't get that reminder that, no matter what she says or does, he loves me just the way I am and always will. I always knew I would miss him, and that his death would devastate me. What I didn't fully realize, until that moment, was what a huge impact his unconditional love was, an invisible shield from the verbal swords she is so fond of throwing at me.

Police brutality is going to the dogs.. [Saturday, July 26th 2008] I would love to get people's opinions on this article. It was actually posted in the childfree community, but it's really more of an animal rights issue. This is the article (in it's entirety) for your convenience: ( Read more... )

sometimes I wish... [Thursday, July 24th 2008] Sometimes I wish I could be one of those people who is amused by idiots instead of infuriated by them.. My fatherfucktard-in-law is absolutely intolerable. I actually lost it on him the other day and told him how fucking ridiculous I thought he was. My mother-in-law (and everyone else unfortunate enough to get the joke) thought it was hilarious. He's a pompass, arrogant, pessimistic jerk-off, and no one ever stands up to him. But I did. I cannot wait until we can get out of this hellhole. I don't know what ever possessed me to believe that living with my in-laws was a good idea, even temporarily. Grief? Panic? The misguided belief that the miserable bastard would have one fucking ounce of compassion for another human being? Who the hell knows... all I know is, it is less than a month until we are 2,500 miles away, and it ain't far enough. When that fucker dies, I'm coming to his funeral in a red dress so I can spit on his grave.

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