| life lies and mistakes |
[Jan. 3rd, 2008|01:20 pm] |
The question as the midnight hour approaches:
Was the day a good one or a bad one?
The answer is totally open to interpretation.
Good things:
- Hanging out with Jack, DD, Keith, Cody, and Tera
- Seeing Matthew for however brief a time online
- Holding my new dog
- Consoling my old dog because I held the new one
- Talking my thoughts out here and with a friend.
Bad things:
- Disobeying mom.
- Lying to mom.
- Not going to register for spring semester.
- Going into TC twice today against my prior wishes.
- Realizing that EPC forum will probably fail.
- Realizing I'm a freeloader and my parents have no faith in me, and blame it on me that I have no faith in me thus creating a cycle thoroughly drenched in disappointment of failure.
It's not that my parents don't love me. But I think all dreams they had for me died when I was younger. I think they expected me to know the world and be experienced when I really just hid from it and continued ignorance.
What is it about my self-destructive pattern that is so easily undetectable? Is it because it's overlooked in comparison of another? Is it because I demand for attention that I behave this way? I really hope that's not why I'm like this. But am I just a child? I behave enough like one. I still have to get permission to go anywhere. I still have to keep my room clean. I still get woken up in the morning by the sound of my mother's harsh voice. I still play with toys (aka laptop, phone, t.v.)
And why do I tear a house apart looking for a laptop? To communicate with people I've never met? Or to sooth the urge of an addiction?
I am religious, as most of you know. I sing in the praise band. I have an o.k. voice. But do I actually sing for God, or for enjoyment? So part of what I'm doing now is getting closer to God. I've been writing him emails the past few days at night as my prayers. I can do the best I can to be good. I can do a lot of things. But I've missed out on what I've claimed for salvation because I've been too proud to pray. And it's something I want desperately. A lot of you have different beliefs than me but this is mine, and it means a lot to me. I haven't trusted God with myself for shame, but I'm no such person to have charge of myself anyway. Look at what I've done to my life so far... I've wasted the majority of my short span. Now is the time in my life to begin to define what it is I want, what it is I'm willing to do, where it is I'm willing to go for the goals I've wanted to achieve, for the purpose that's been set for my hands, the destiny of my soul.
At the end of my life I want to have no worries. I don't want to be so attached to the world that I don't appreciate it's beauty, that I don't appreciate it's life beneath the material and human things.
If you love me don't let me neglect my life. |
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