Friends.

Are important. They are the glue that helps hold me together. Together with medication and my family who I can't seem to get away from these days. I had to quit school this semester. I have a job now but it's not enough. My brother tried to kill himself. I came clean over a lie and it feels good. EPC is going well. I've broken up with two boyfriends since Jack and I broke up. I want to write and finish a story now that I have more time to. I've gotten some counseling. Lately my friends have noticed that I'm becoming someone I am not, due to the medication and just over all circumstances. They think I should snap out of it and stop trying to deny what is. What is though? I have people who love me but aren't here. Even the people that are here aren't here. I lay in bed, get on my laptop and waste my days away. Do I hate myself? Do I love myself? Am I depressed? yes. i'm on medication for that, as well as a sleeping pill that i have not been taking. I've had nightmares for months. I go back and forth on concepts of family and future. Do I want one, will I have one? I want to know something that is constant. I'm looking for something more than what is right in front of me. Lewis says he loves me. He says he will always love me and that I just have to go to him. but i don't love him like he loves me. i don't want to break his heart. i used to have a heart, you know? it was for brandon. and it wasn't worth much.

there are too many men in my life now. i don't really know what to do, how to satisfy myself just being myself. this is a problem. i feel like a pig. but let's see, shall we? i am one. i wallow in my bed, in my up until recently pig-sty. it's pretty pathetic if you ask me. i am much happier when i'm moving around and doing things. there's just too much to say. i could talk all night. mel encouraged me to start blogging again. i think it was a good idea, i'm spilling a lot. i'm worried that i might try a few things. i don't want to talk about them. they depress me that i am depressed. lol. does that make sense? I miss hanging out with my girlfriends and I miss Jack and Cody. they were always funny. and i would play you don't know jack while they played super smash bros and it was great because they could hear the questions i didn't think they could hear and it was funny and there were no problems. jack has a new girlfriend now so that's probably another reason why we haven't talked much lately. i don't really keep in much contact with my girlfriends lately. i havent gone to visit anyone but amanda lanie and julie at UT. i want to go with blake to visit martha soon at mcneese.

this is how you know something is wrong, is when you avoid your friends.

i've been doing it for years.