How strong are you when someone else can break your will with a word? Our bodies and our minds are capable of many things but I have little control over mine. Start at the beginning, the middle, the end. What does it matter? I don't know how it happened anyway. I'm just a figment of someone's fancy I called spawn. Am I rambling? I'm certainly not making any sense to myself. I'm also trying to think as slowly as I can as my pen moves across this notebook paper, writing. Can I keep up?

I was there and now I am here. I was there and I am here, now. I was there but I am not there any longer. I am here. I'm in the exact same position, place, I was eight seconds ago and eighteen seconds ago I was there. What, am I nuts? I'm not indifferent. I am child. Do you know my name? I do. Are you sure I even have a name?

This is the part where I try not to think.

I stink of sweat. My face is messy with paint. My legs are prickly with hair and I am here. At one time I was there, where I was clean and smelled nice. My legs were smooth and shaven.And my dog was not staring at me like he is now.

"Are you hungry?"

He follows me into the kitchen but I give him water first. Maybe I want him to pee everywhere. His dick is like a hose and he pisses right after he fuels up sometimes. Then I filled his bowl with food. Are you confused? My thought sequence, the time is crooked.

In the kitchen the backdoor is open, and creaking. I can hear birds and breaks. The computer is playing a movie I don't want to sit and watch but don't mind listening to from here. I don't need to see the movie to feel it. Two o'clock. I seem to feel. I seem to see. I seem to blink my eyes and participate in breathing. 1 minute, or 1 hour. I won't realize the day is ended until it's over. Game over.

Forget form and just do it.

This is the part where I try not to think.

Friends.

Are important. They are the glue that helps hold me together. Together with medication and my family who I can't seem to get away from these days. I had to quit school this semester. I have a job now but it's not enough. My brother tried to kill himself. I came clean over a lie and it feels good. EPC is going well. I've broken up with two boyfriends since Jack and I broke up. I want to write and finish a story now that I have more time to. I've gotten some counseling. Lately my friends have noticed that I'm becoming someone I am not, due to the medication and just over all circumstances. They think I should snap out of it and stop trying to deny what is. What is though? I have people who love me but aren't here. Even the people that are here aren't here. I lay in bed, get on my laptop and waste my days away. Do I hate myself? Do I love myself? Am I depressed? yes. i'm on medication for that, as well as a sleeping pill that i have not been taking. I've had nightmares for months. I go back and forth on concepts of family and future. Do I want one, will I have one? I want to know something that is constant. I'm looking for something more than what is right in front of me. Lewis says he loves me. He says he will always love me and that I just have to go to him. but i don't love him like he loves me. i don't want to break his heart. i used to have a heart, you know? it was for brandon. and it wasn't worth much.

there are too many men in my life now. i don't really know what to do, how to satisfy myself just being myself. this is a problem. i feel like a pig. but let's see, shall we? i am one. i wallow in my bed, in my up until recently pig-sty. it's pretty pathetic if you ask me. i am much happier when i'm moving around and doing things. there's just too much to say. i could talk all night. mel encouraged me to start blogging again. i think it was a good idea, i'm spilling a lot. i'm worried that i might try a few things. i don't want to talk about them. they depress me that i am depressed. lol. does that make sense? I miss hanging out with my girlfriends and I miss Jack and Cody. they were always funny. and i would play you don't know jack while they played super smash bros and it was great because they could hear the questions i didn't think they could hear and it was funny and there were no problems. jack has a new girlfriend now so that's probably another reason why we haven't talked much lately. i don't really keep in much contact with my girlfriends lately. i havent gone to visit anyone but amanda lanie and julie at UT. i want to go with blake to visit martha soon at mcneese.

this is how you know something is wrong, is when you avoid your friends.

i've been doing it for years.

ride

Important music:

Cary Brothers - Ride
Oasis - Wonderwall

I've been really happy lately, apart from bouts of insomnia that last until four am when I force myself to pass out. Then I wake up and go to class, or sleep all day depending on if it's Monday or Tuesday, or Wednesday or Thursday.

Jack and I have started talking again and I don't think it's any secret how much I like him. School is good, I'm a little behind but I'm quickly catching up. I'm making more friends. I miss my old ones a lot but I think hanging out with new people is healthy.

EPC is picking up with activity too and I'm very happy about that. I haven't made anymore plans in regards to the meet up but we'll see. It's a big issue.

I'll write more later.

yawnnnnnnnnzies. i'm done dwelling. time to talk out of my head.

it starts with a hello and goes south of smiling.

The question as the midnight hour approaches:
Was the day a good one or a bad one?
The answer is totally open to interpretation.

Good things:

• Hanging out with Jack, DD, Keith, Cody, and Tera
• Seeing Matthew for however brief a time online
• Holding my new dog
• Consoling my old dog because I held the new one
  
• Talking my thoughts out here and with a friend.

• Disobeying mom.
  
• Lying to mom.
• Not going to register for spring semester.
• Going into TC twice today against my prior wishes.
• Realizing that EPC forum will probably fail.
• Realizing I'm a freeloader and my parents have no faith in me, and blame it on me that I have no faith in me thus creating a cycle thoroughly drenched in disappointment of failure.

Songs that have been with me/in my head:
The Decemberists - Red Right Ankle
Surfjan Stevens - Casimir Pulaski Day
Colbie Caillat - One Fine Wine & Battle
Low Millions - Low Millions & Julia

My name is Lindsey and I'm 19 years old. This blog is to inspire me to continue making changes in my life that will make me happier, healthier, and successful; to continue to be self-motivated. I need this blogger in my life because in the past I've let the weight of the world around me snag me by the hem of my jeans and keep me down. It used to be that I kept a xanga but I outgrew it and moved onto myspace, and then from there to facebook. But I remember when I had my xanga and I don't think I was ever more in tune with myself. The thing is, I don't want everyone on facebook seeing my innermost thoughts. This blog is specifically for me and the friends who inspire me. There are several of people in my life like that, but from day one I've always been able to share with the ones who see this here.

The blog is called Giving up daisies because of something I wrote when I was about to graduate high school, talking about how I didn't want to grow up. But now, I want to.

"When I was a little girl I acted the way you'd think I'd act now. These days it's quite the opposite as I act the way you might see a little girl do.I'd much rather take a nap,or use a coloring book than go to another stupid party where everyone knows everyones story but say nothing because it's oh so obvious. I'm afraid; I admit. I do not want to grow up.Times like these I desperately wish I could fly to never land but thoughts like that are ridiculous. All I have to do is look Peter Pan to know you can turn away from responsibility but grow. It catches you anyway. I'd give anything to keep my daises if only for another year, another week,or just another day. "

One of the things I'm going to do tomorrow is head to Jack's with my camera and a movie. I plan on taking pictures all day of things I love. I'll fill this blog so full of stuff that I cherish, opening it will be like stepping into the sun after the rain you can still smell is done falling. There are a lot of 'issues' in my life but none of them are beyond being fixed. Not with the love of God, not with the love of my family, not with the love of my wonderful crazy amazing friends can any problem be too great to fix.

One of the problems that I've had for years, and I'm sure many people in my age group have is spending too much time online. Not only do I spend too much time online, but I am an addict of chat rooms. One of my resolutions for this year is to toss Teen chat aside and focus on my life. The things that matter to me. Some of the things that matter to me have a lot to do with the internet though. Communication is essential for all humans, and for me I simply can not get enough. Places like my forum and this blog are sites that I will spend at least a few hours of my day that I'm hoping to make busy.

I'll list out the things I want to eliminate or improve in my life. I've already told this to like half of you but who cares, yeah? This is for me first and foremost!

• Go to class. (I've always enjoyed school.)
  
• Do my work. (I'm also more happy doing this, but I procrastinate for days.)
  
• Get healthy and exercise (I've found I'm more happy doing both of these.)
  
• No more chat rooms (They're the main source of procrastination.)
  
• Keeping my room clean and helping out around the house (Everyone seems to be more happy in a clean space.)
• Keeping in touch with my friends (I distance myself a lot when on a downward spiral. I focus more on other things and other friends so as not to draw attention to my obvious failings.)

[	Tags	|	myspaceblog	]
[	Current Mood	|	hopeful	]

Tonight I had a really good conversation with someone whose opinion I respect greatly. This was only the second time we've ever talked on the phone but both times were hilarious and well-worth it. It's just so easy with them. And the wisdom they put forth in every way they present themselves is trustworthy. It all made sense once I talked to someone who really understood.

I remember talking to Martha when I was in Austin and we were all sitting around this semicircle, there were people around, and we were all singing to eachother, taking turns standing up front and performing.. and I said something about doing what you want to do. And she said that was how she lived all the time. But the funny thing was I couldn't say that I did too. I do know that I am more myself around my friends than I am wallowing alone, waiting for some one to show me that they care like the guy waiting for a miracle from God, having rejected 3 ships and a helicopter.

I find myself escaping into things often, but I know I am and could be so much more than that. My biggest enemy is myself because I am constantly telling myself, you can't do that, or this, what are you even thinking? But I have to admit I enjoy failing at something I really want to do more than I enjoy succeeding in what I feel is a waste of time. The embarrassment is worth it because you try and want to do it again. You want to get better. I want to get better.

And I'm finding that I really must not appreciate or respect myself much, because I do my body torture by not caring, I do myself wrong by not dressing how I want to dress, by not talking or smiling in or speaking in the direction of the people I want to be around. Around my best friends I am confident but it's really hard for me to break out at first.

I want to get to know you. I really do. It's just always been my worry that I have nothing to offer as a friend. So I have a hard time letting people in past my Uh huhs and Mks. It's nothing against you, I just didn't think I was worth it. But beneath it all, I know I am.

Beneath it all I know that I have the potential to be the person I want to be. And I hope that I am never fully satisfied.

"It is better to be a human being unsatisfied than a pig satisfied; better to be Socrates. unsatisfied than a fool satisfied." (John Stuart Mill)

Thanks James. :) G'night everyone.