| Dear someone who will never read this, |
[06 Feb 2008|07:47pm] |
Oh Vee!
(It's funny, Vee... I called you that in journal entries before I found out about "Zee" which I still think is a lie.)
~I really think sometimes that you never loved me. No, that's a lie- I just think you fell out of love with me a lot earlier than you say you did. Years, even. I dispise the fact that you still give me butterflies. I want to puke them all out. I want them to be neon and I want my fucking bile to eat away at their wings until there is no color left.
I want to be rid of this. It's a burden now. No joy comes from it. Not the way it is. Not unless things change.
I'm crying as I write this. I'm at work. I hate it. I hate everything here. New Jersey is a disgusting place. All my friends have fucked with me in some way that should be unforgiveable. I feel as though New Jersey has a sign above it that says "We welcome your dysfunctions here." I refuse to abide.
You think I was the only one that shit on you? I loved you unconditionally. Yes, yes. I fucked up, but I still gave you my goddamned heart and soul and now i'm resentful. I asked for so little in return. I asked for a goodnight kiss. An occasional I love you. I think you use the term "I have problems with affection" as a crutch. You could've just said "I'm disinterested" and I would've delt with it better. You didn't have problems when we first started dating. You should've broken up with me multiple times. MULTIPLE. You tell me I could've left. Well, my heartstrings were tangled in this facade of interest. I HAD HOPE IN YOU AND OUR RELATIONSHIP.
Well, it ends like this? A final kiss from when you were a drunken mess and you're out of my life.
A toast to "bigger and better things" I suppose. For you. Still all for you... and i'm still here wasting away in my shell with a bit of resentment and willingness to (still) change... 'the only evidence of a life that was so sweet.'
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| Another post. Sorry. |
[06 Feb 2008|09:31pm] |
Dearest Vee,
I'm sorry for the hurtful words. It's hard. It really is, seeing you go and all. It's difficult having nobody else here. When you don't call. You promise me things, and they don't happen. A million things. I'm just left crying.
I know it's not how things are, but it's how things seem... I needed to vent. I'm filled with "you're-just-not-good-enough"s. Not for a girlfriend. Not for myspace. Not for trusting. Not for friendship. Not for a million mundayne things that shouldn't matter, but they all add up and it fucking hurts.
I'm sorry you're 'alone' but you're not. You're not. You know that. Things are "difficult"... not hard per se and you're not going it alone. You have people in all different states that love and care about you. Please realize this.
I'm moving to Pluto. No, this isn't self-pity or deprication. It's reality baby and it's making me want to die. I used to be a ruthless optimist. That light is gone.
I got my lightning today. Now I wish I never wished for it to begin with... it's not even stormy here- just a strange 60 degree January with too much chaos in the air that electricity just has to happen to ease the tension.
It's not your fault things are hard, but i've been thinking about my past and I have a lot of regrets. With that comes resentment and this whole circle I'm learning to break but i'm finally dealing with and I think that's good.
I just really hope we can actually be friends some day. You'll mean it... i'll mean it.
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