As your class of 2009 valedictorian, I was charged with the task of writing and delivering to you a semi-original and borderline-inspirational commencement speech.
I have learned that the water pressure in the third toilet stall in the men's bathroom on the first floor is the lowest, so if one must receive a swirly, it should be in that one. I have learned that I won't miss your childish antics. And I have recently learned that just because I have the highest grade point average in the class and the highest documented IQ in the state, it does not exempt me from the phenomenon known as writer's block.
Speechwriting blows.
Holy god, I feel old... my younger brother is graduating high school.
[Junior]
Remember you're gonna trip either walking on or off the stage. I wonder if it'll be when you actually take your diploma, or when you are giving your speech.
I'm gonna tape the entire ceremony. ...and then sell copies of it. <3
Your harsh words hurt. No, really, they do.
I'm not really a fan of the beach, but I'll try anything to get this thing written and done with.
Please die in a fire.Uh huh. Have fun with that, and all.
Sigh...I've never had to write a speech before. Or stand in front of a huge crowd and say anything. That's the part I'm really nervous about. I don't want to, like, fall on my face or something!
You're conspiring against me. I know it. What has she told you?!Yeah. Well...
I really don't care.It happens.Junior
Allie
I know the fact that you're a gigantic sack of dumb occasionally makes you hard of hearing, so I will tell you again:Shut up.
Junior
Dude, who put sand in your vag?
Allie