Alvin Alkeinos, Jr.

Hi Dear My Fellow graduates,

As your class of 2009 valedictorian, I was charged with the task of writing and delivering to you a semi-original and borderline-inspirational commencement speech. So, here goes. The trials of the past four years have been different for all of us, and we've all learned something different from the experience. As we go out into the world that lies beyond these four walls 

I have learned that the water pressure in the third toilet stall in the men's bathroom on the first floor is the lowest, so if one must receive a swirly, it should be in that one. I have learned that I won't miss your childish antics. And I have recently learned that just because I have the highest grade point average in the class and the highest documented IQ in the state, it does not exempt me from the phenomenon known as writer's block.

Speechwriting blows.