goodsearch.com supporting endometriosis! [Sunday, March 25th 2007] REMINDER – MONDAY, MARCH 26 On Monday, March 26, the Endometriosis Association will be the featured “Charity of the Day” on the search engine, GoodSearch.com. Every time you do an Internet search using their site (www.goodsearch.com) on that day, the Association receives a donation. The site is powered by Yahoo!, so you'll get the same quality search results that you're used to. I hope you'll give it a try and support a cause that is very close to my heart. The more people who use this site, the more money will go to the Endometriosis Association. So please spread the word to your friends and family! But why wait until then? GoodSearch.com will donate to the Endometriosis Association all year long – sign up now and get the Internet working for endo now!

prejudice in unexpected places [Monday, March 19th 2007] Yesterday, we went to a local Indian shop for incense, (my husband likes the Nag Champa and they have the best kind for pretty cheap) and there were, of course, several Indian (Middle-Eastern, not Native American) women in there with their kids. One of the women complimented me on my eyes, and asked if I was Muslim (I was dressed in jeans and a t-shirt) and I said no. She asked 'what' I was, to which I replied 'Romani', because it didn't occur to me to say anything else. I've never encountered any sort of prejudice from anyone about being Gypsy, (after all, I am an American, and to most Americans we're Disney characters and something to dress up as for Halloween).. anyway, I don't go around broadcasting my ethnicity, but when people ask (and they often do, especially foreign people) I tell them I'm Romani and they usually have no clue what that is and think it means I'm Italian or something, ('Rome', 'Romani', etc.) so it's often more than I really care to deal with, explaining that, yes, we exist and no, we're not magical, we can't see the future, we're regular people with regular lives just like anyone else. Anyway, this young woman, who was previously very friendly and helpful, instantly became suspicious and standoffish. She physically took a step backwards away from me after I said it. She had been chatting with us and playing with her son, and once I told her my ethnicity, she began to follow me around the store. Not that I planned on stealing anything, but it was very strange and it made me quite uncomfortable, I mean, I couldn't get away from her all of a sudden! I started to think, 'shit, I should have said something else', and then I thought, 'but, what?'. I'm obviously not a 'white girl', they could tell that right off, and I started to think what I could say in the future if I found myself in a situation where I felt the truth might be unwise. We made our purchases and left the store, and they watched us as we walked out to the Jeep. It was just.. odd. Now, there are places in the world where I would expect this sort of behavior, but I have to tell you, an Indian shop (since we are believed to have originated in India, for christssakes) was not one of them. It never occurred to me for one second to be dishonest or ashamed to admit the truth to this woman who had been so kind. My husband was really angry about her sudden change of mood towards me, but I was too stunned to be immediately offended. I quietly ran the situation over and over in my mind for most of the day, trying to find some other explanation for it, but there wasn't one. Obviously, to her, 'Gypsy' was synonymous with 'thief', someone who needed to be watched closely, someone who couldn't be trusted. I tried my best to maintain our friendly exchange after answering her, but it was like a door had slammed in my face. I remained courteous, smiled and thanked her as we left, hoping that maybe (if she'd never met a Gypsy before) I could show her that we are just like everyone else. I have no idea what they thought or said after we left the shop, but I hope I made some tiny dent in the flawed image she had of our race, and of me.

breakdown [Wednesday, February 21st 2007] I'm having a bad week.. I had a physical/mental breakdown at work yesterday, snapped at someone I probably shouldn't have, went home sick and ended up bawling the whole way out of the building. For those that don't have endometriosis and don't understand what I'm going through, I can only attempt to put it into perspective by saying I've had several surgeries, including a hysterectomy, and this pain is about a hundred times worse than it ever was after any of those procedures. I also have the luxury (sometimes it is, sometimes it isn't,) of having a disease that isn't visible, so while there are naturally a lot of people who don't know very much about my disease, there are a handful who make me feel like they think I'm making it up or something. All I have to say to that is that I wish I could still bleed so I could stain the office carpet with it, or collect it in a cup and pour it all over their desks. My husband's suggestion was to gather some pictures off the internet of what endo looks like and put them on a t-shirt that says "this is what I look like on the inside - still think I'm not sick??" I'm half tempted, honestly. I have an appointment tomorrow with a pain clinic that my doctor referred me to. I don't know what they're going to do for me, as I've already explained I don't do well with narcotics and over the counter drugs don't work, but they assured me that there are other ways to manage pain. That's great, but I wonder if I can afford them.. if it's anything 'experimental' or natural my insurance company won't pay for it, so I'd be on my own there. Then again, I don't know everything (*gasp* the horror!) so maybe they have something up their sleeve that doesn't make me sedated, whacked-out or nauseous. That'd be nice. Oh, and I chopped my hair today. Got tired of dealing with it, (it was down to my waist) and now it's resting comfortably near my shoulders. It's layered, and kind of cute. I just wanted something easier and to have the dead ends cut off. I also deleted my MySpace account, (not that it has anything whatsoever to do with my hair) - I've always hated that site, and I hate the way people use it as an email account or alternate way to contact me. Why can't you just call, or text message for fuck's sake? Despite what the emerging generation might think, posting a bulletin is not an acceptable form of communication. If you have news to share and you're really my friend, you'll tell me directly.

hooky [Friday, February 16th 2007] I was scheduled to work today, but didn't. There are some days when not being at work is actually a good thing for your job. As I heard the alarm going off at five this morning, I pondered my options.. go in, and very possibly wring someone's smarmy little neck (insert any random someone here) or stay home, nurse my pounding headache and ever-growing stress level and hope for a better mood on Monday. Obviously, I chose the latter, and I didn't regret one single minute of it. It's funny, you know.. how things change when you get older. Like, when you get a pre-approved loan or credit offer in the mail and instead of thinking 'yay, money!', you just kind of go, 'sure, just what I need.. another thing to keep me up at night' *lol* I guess I must've grown up when I wasn't looking. Shit, when did that happen? I also got a letter from my health insurance company - you know, the one that sucks? Anyway, they were informing me about the 'great news'. My meds, that my doctor prescribed for me months ago, and I've been taking all those months, have been 'approved' and I can continue to take them. Well, isn't that special.. my doctor feels I need them, and they take away my pain, but those are not good enough reasons, apparently, for my insurance company to justify the expense. They had to have a meeting about whether little old me is worth it and, great news! Looks like I am. Nevermind that they're only paying a portion of the cost and I am still expected to pay over half, plus my monthly cost for having the bloody insurance in the first place, which is nearly $200. All I can say is, I'd better figure out a way to get healthy real fast because if insurance sucks this bad in my 20's, it can only get worse from here.

I am.. [Tuesday, September 26th 2006] I am human. I am aloof & logical. I am illogical & emotional. I am subject to influence. I am hopeful & assured. I am cynical & afraid. I am not ready to give up. I am protected by these walls. I am imprisoned by them. I am a contradiction. I am more than these pages. I am less than your accusations. I am somewhere in between. I am forgetting words that wounded. I am remembering kind words never said. I am looking ahead. I am filled with joy. I am filled with sorrow. I am not the same person I was yesterday.. I am not the same person I will be tomorrow.

ignorance at it's finest [Wednesday, August 16th 2006] I already disliked 'Dr. Phil', but this is just over the top: http://www.drphil.com/shows/show/667/ According to the story, 'Amanda' (the young, rebellious daughter) has run off with her boyfriend (hmm, big surprise for a teenage girl, eh?) and his "band of gypsies". To further the idiocy, we have this quote,"Amanda's boyfriend and his family are gypsies. They live in a compound-type setting. They're called asphalt gypsies because they travel hot topping driveways and stuff, basically getting as much cash out of people as they can." Asphalt gypsies??!?? {*falls off chair*} Can't say I've ever heard of that Romani nation before. I'm glad to see that, with all that's going on in the world today, Dr. Phil could find the time to bash some Gypsies.. though, since we don't actually 'exist' to most people, I'm sure grateful for his taking the time to educate the masses. {*clutches hair*} I'd love to see a show where parents are furious that their daughter's run off with "a bunch of niggers". That would never fly, throwing the "N" word around on national television, but it's perfectly ok to slander Gypsies (we're a race, by the way, Dr. Phil, so the 'g' should be capitalized,) because White people, Asian people, Hispanic people and African-American people never steal, it's just us 'Gyppos'. When are people going to realize that crime, thievery, and dishonesty are human traits, not the traits of any particular race of people??

my layout [Wednesday, May 17th 2006] My layout was designed especially for me. If you would like more information, please contact me via message through LJ. Thanks!

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