Ba-Hum-Bug
Xmas was somewhat.. blasé this year. My sister and her husband moved to Wyoming earlier in the year, so it was just us and my parents (and the dogs). It did snow, though, which was nice (and unexpected). I began to realize, this year, that part of the reason this time of year doesn't hold the same allure that it used to, is that all of us are grown-ups - there are no kids running around, laughing and playing, the excitement and wonder reflected in their eyes. We don't have kids, and my sister and her husband don't have kids (oddly, I am 'fixed' and so is her husband). None of us
want them, either, but they do bring a certain magnetism to the season that adults just can't duplicate. Maybe this is because they don't have to contend with the extra traffic, the last-minute shopping, the nasty weather.. or it could be because, as children, they still believe in all the magic that we, as adults, spend so much time and effort to create. We see the puppet strings and the lighting, everything behind the curtain, but all they see is the show. Or maybe it's because they remind us of a time when we still believed..
I always find this season exhausting. It starts
before Halloween (my favorite holiday), when snowmen and red ribbons start popping up in the stores, and commercials begin talking about 'the holidays'. Even though there are several holidays throughout the year, the term 'the holidays' somehow only refers to Thanksgiving and Christmas - being an atheist, I often replace 'Christmas' with '
Xmas' (since it's really just a stolen Pagan holiday anyway, and has nothing to do with 'Christ') and I stopped celebrating Thanksgiving almost 15 years ago, when a very close friend of mine was killed on Thanksgiving Day, and when I began to really comprehend what the quote-unquote 'founders' of our country did to the Native Americans. Like most people born in America, I have an undermined amount of Native American blood (on my father's side), but it has nothing to do with that. I simply cannot bring myself to celebrate genocide, no matter how much turkey and dressing is crammed down my throat.. and I can't spend an evening in shameless abundance when the true forefathers of this land are left with scraps. A land that was so easy to take from them because they weren't arrogant enough to believe that they owned it. I see it as a day of mourning, not a day of celebration.. mourning those who were killed, as well as those who lived, for all that we could have learned if they hadn't been so greedy.
The greed continues today, as people drive like bats out of hell through stormy winter weather to get that perfect gift, to put one more present under the tree, another sweater or pair of fancy sneakers, another thing they don't need, when there are people freezing to death, without shoes or a warm coat or even a place to sleep. And I don't understand the notion of donating time and money once a year, as if Christmas is the only time they are in need. It's a lovely gesture, but it's not enough. The holidays just seem like such a farce to me, such a fallacy. I really just want no part of it.. and when people ask me what I 'want' this time of year, my mind truly goes blank. The things I
want are not things one can freely give.. but since so many have asked, these are
the things I want..
.I want my friend who has felt the desperation of infertility to feel the joy of being a Mom.
.I want all the animals in the shelters and rescues to find good, loving homes.
.I want my husband's back to stop hurting so bad so he can get a decent night's rest.
.I want to find the right food (or herb, or medication) that will solve my dog's mysterious allergy/digestive issues.
.I want to find a cure for the painful disease that plagues me, and millions of other women.
.I want my Dad to stop growing older, freeze time, so that he can be with me forever.
.I want my best friend to win the lottery so he can stop worrying about money and where his next job is coming from.
.I want to find a way to stop this war so our troops can spend the holidays in the warmth and comfort of their families.
.I want to find a way to take away the bad memories that haunt people and replace them with beautiful ones.
.I want what everyone wants.. to be happy - but that's a gift I have to give myself.
