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[05 May 2008|01:44pm] |
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So I've been dating this guy for about a month now and I don't know what to think of it. Our first date went really well, and normally you'd expect things to evolve from there, but he's really into his friends. I love my friends too and it's cool when we're all out together, but we're never alone anymore. There were a total of two times when he and I hung out alone at his apartment and then there was the first date when we went to dinner alone, but that's it. He doesn't really seem to be into PDAs since we did cuddle and actually had sex once when we were alone, but he just occasionally holds my hand under the table when we're out. I don't really care about shit like that but when you're just starting out, it makes me feel like we're just friends who kiss goodbye or something like that. I guess I just like the reassurance that he actually does want to touch me. As much as I complain about having a relationship that's purely physical, it's just annoying when it's purely mental. Even more so actually because then it's just like being friends. I mean, I guess we're still doing the take things slow thing, but once you've had sex is it really taking it slow anymore? I'm no saying I want to marry the guy. I don't even really care if he considers us to be a couple or not yet, I'd just like to know he's attracted to me.
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[15 Apr 2008|08:40pm] |
I dumped the guy I was with for this new guy, and I've been avoiding writing about it because I feel pretty shitty about it. But my ex isn't really upset so I guess it was for the best. He was a nice guy, but the thing is, we hardly spoke. We just didn't really connect mentally. Then I met this guy who was brilliant, and funny, and sexy, and he just reminded me of the kind of guy I really should be with. I honestly thought nothing would come of it. He'd asked me out, but I figured he'd stand me up or I'd find out he was a jerk, but the more I get to know him the more I like him.
We're taking things slow, which is what my ex and I said he wanted to do and then we ended up sleeping together on our first date, and he was telling me he loved me after a few days. It was fucking weird. I guess he didn't love me too much because he didn't care much when I broke up with him. This new guy is sticking with the slow thing though, at least to an extent. We went on our 4th date last night at which point all we'd done is kissed at the end of the night. Last night we made out, and ended up giving each other oral sex, but he said he didn't want to have sex with me the first time we "did stuff". I'm okay with this. I really shouldn't rush into things with guys, but my problem is that when I'm attracted to someone, and I like their personality I kind of stop thinking. I'm happy to take things slow though. It makes me feel like this might actually last a while.At the same time though, it makes me feel like he doesn't like me that much. Just because I'm used to guys being all over me.
I don't know though. I am kind of intimidated by this guy. He's brilliant, like highly intellgent, and I'm smart, but not that smart. I'm kind of just as smart as the average person, but I just happen to pick up a book or turn on the news every now and then. The guy I'm seeing now, is way above average intelligence. He start talking to me about things, and I just clam up. We talk a lot, but when he bring up like politics, then I just don't feel I have adequate knowledge to discuss things like that with him. I probably do, but I'd rather not say anything than seem like an idiot. Mostly we keep our conversation light though so this isn't a huge problem. I just have this feeling one day he's going to figure out I'm no where near as brilliant as he is and stop calling me.
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[30 Mar 2008|10:17pm] |
I hate to admit this. I have been friends with the same people for a long time. My closest friend and i have known each other for 10 years, the rest I've known about 2 or 3 years. We're kind of this entire unit, we're always together, and I'm not saying I don't love them with all my heart, and think they're great people but I just feel like I'm growing away from them. We used to go out every saturday, but suddenly the boys want to stay home and play video games so I go other places. Last night I went to a bar with my closest friend's ex boyfriend. He and I were once good friends, but when his relationship ended with my friend she was so hurt, that he disappeared from her life, and thus disappeared from my life. We kept in touch a bit, but I never made plans to see him because my friend is bitter. She dislikes him because he broke up with he. It's immature and illogical really. They're bother better off not being together, and he never mistreated her, he just got tired of her jealousy. She still thinks he cheated on her and lied to her and all kinds of things but there's no proof. I understand that she doesn't want to be his friend, but she gets annoyed if I bring him up. She says she doesn't care if we're friends, but I know she does. So I didn't tell her that I went out with him last night. Honestly, I loved spending time with him and his family.
When we first met I had a crush on him, but he chose my friend because he said he thought he could have an intellgent conversation with her.I guess I don't come off as intellgent. I don't feel the need to bring up intellgent stuff all the time. If I'm at a party, then why should I? So I guess he mis judged both of us.She's not unintelligent at all, I just think I'm a bit more worldly than her. I'm not saying this because I wanted to date him. I adore my boyfriend and I honestly liked him less the more I got to know him, but the point was that he and I have great conversations. As do I and this guy who I know from the bar we go to. He's about 30 and not someone I ever expected ot befriend, but I guess I've always been an old soul. I know how to have fun, and 75% of the time I'm pretty immature, but it's not to not play the crazy party girl sometimes. I think I've outgrown being fake more than I've outgrown them, but I can't suddenly change. I can't say "I've always been this way, I just pretended to be someone else to escape myself for a few years". It wouldn't make sense. So now I lead this double life.
I guess I've always had a double life, but before it was the me who went out with friends and the me who I was when I am at home. I just got tired of being at home all the time. I want to share my other side with other people, and I just don't feel my current friends will appriciate it. I once dated this guy who told me he didn't like me when I was out with my friends. What if my friends don't like me when I'm not with them?
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[10 Mar 2008|12:59am] |
I've always liked my co-workers. I think they're fun and I enjoy being able to talk to them to make the time pass by more slowly, but sometimes I'm a bit creeped out by them. Mostly because they think I'm one of them, and honestly, I'm not. Yeah, our department is like one big family, but I consider myself that quiet nerdy kid in the family who everyone just sort of ignores. But this one girl always tells me shit about her sex life. I'm all about talking about sex, and I've shared some funny stories, but I know he boyfriend pretty well since he used to work there, and since he comes by all the time, and neither of them are very attractive, and I just don't want to imagine them naked. But more importantly, she tells me these really freaky stories, and laughs like it's normal, and I feel awkward because I'm not a freak. I've had my adventures, and I've done some weird things, but it's certainly not normal to me for your boyfriend to cut you. It's also not normal to have slept with half the men employed at our company (there are at least 100 people working there). I feel like she tells me because she thinks I can relate or something. Sorry, but I can't. I'm no virgin mary, but I just don't have the time or low enough self esteem to have done that much with that many men. My other co worker tells me stories about her ex girlfriend, and her current boyfriend, and how mistreated she was before, and this is cool except that her ex girlfriend is a superior at our work, and I feel awkward agreeing with her about how bad her ex girlfriend was when I have to look the woman in the face later, and ask her for help. Then there's the men who discuss drugs all the time. I don't do drugs, I don't really dislike people who do, some of my friends do, but it's pretty dull to hear it 24/7. There's this one guy though, who will actually talk to me alone every now and then and we'll discuss cool shit. He's like this goth guy, who seems very cold at first, but we spent like an hour the other day talking about opera.He was really into it too. It was pretty awesome since most people aren't into opera anymore. I like opera, I don't know nearly as much about it as he did, but I have been to several operas and I think it's a bit of a relief when I get to talk to him alone because he actually provides intellgent conversations.
I think the world in lacking in intellgent people at the moment. I love my friends, but not one of them gives a shit about the world today.There's this message board I post on where we discuss things like politics and world issues, and stuff like that, and then I'll think about that kind of stuff all day, but the second I bring it up to any of my friends I get this blank look like they either have no idea what I'm talking about or they just don't care. They're probably more ignorant than stupid, but it just really makes me feel odd. I kind of feel like I have to be fake a lot of times because I want to make a political reference but I know no one will get it so I just giggle or make a stupid remark instead.
Anyway, I just wanted to post something since I haven't posted in a while, and that's the first thing that came to mind.
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[02 Mar 2008|12:48pm] |
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So, what's new with me? Well I just started dating a guy about a week ago, I've known him a few weeks. He already tells me he loves me, which is a bit weird IMO, but he's sweet so I deal with it. He says he doesn't expect me to say it back, so I guess it's okay for now. I took a pregnancy test again, and it was still negative.In about a week if I don't get a period, I'll have skipped an entire month. Then I'm going to make a gyno appointment to make sure I'm okay. My mother tells me she had negative pregnancy test for 4 months when she was pregnant with my brother, but it's 2008, not 1981, things have improved. I don't think I'm pregnant. If I am that'll be awkward since I'm now seeing someone. I wonder if he'd still "love" me if I was having another man's baby. It's a funny thought, but really, my body is just going through a weird time, I guess. Oh well, I'll know what's going on once I see a gyno in a few weeks.
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[11 Feb 2008|08:58pm] |
"it was my biggest fear to lose you
now it's my biggest fear that i will never be who i was before you."
A friend of mine posted that on her journal. I have no idea what it's from but I can relate so much. I don't think I'll ever be the person I was before I lost my first love. I struggle so hard to be that care free flirty girl who knew she was beautiful, but in the end I always go too far. I have too much of an ego, and take flirting too far, and the whole time I just can't seem to get that feeling of apathy back. Maybe I was a bitch back then, but I knew who I was and I knew how to put myself first and be cautious. Now it seems like I'm just this open wound waiting for salt to be poured into me. I can't seem to heal. I care way too much. I can't just have fun, I have to be fun. I have to be the one everyone looks at an admires, and then when I'm rejected I take it so hard. I used to laugh about rejection, and say it was their loss, now I cry. It's been years now and I don't think I'll ever be the same.
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[08 Feb 2008|01:16pm] |
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After taking a negative pregnancy test I decided to see a doctor because I have been rally sick, and I wanted to feel better. She only made it worse. She gave me several tests including a pregnancy test. All test were negative so she said she'd ruled out a lot of things, but not pregnancy and to come back in 2 weeks. Then she told me to get an over the counter medicine for my stomach and that it was safe if I'm pregnant. It kins of worried the hell out of me because I really never thought I was pregnant. It's very unlikely, it's even more unlikely now that I've had 2 negative tests, but it's actually possible now. Like I think I really could be. Before I was just eliminating my worry by taking the test. I'm just really hoping I'm not. I love kids and wouldn't mind having one unlike in the past where I didn't want one at all, but the father just isn't someone I'd want to have a kid with. And I'm worried that if I am he won't want to be a part of his or her life, and I want my child to have a father. I don't know maybe he would, but he's so far away. I'd have to move to the other side of the country so he could be close to his child, and I don't want to do that (he can't move because his job won't allow it). Let's just hope the doctor is nuts and I'm not pregnant.
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[27 Jan 2008|02:21pm] |
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I'm an idiot. I kind of started to think that my ex had grown up a bit, but he really hadn't. We dated tow years ago, but it ended up seeming more like we were friends with benefits since he would tell me he'd call me and then he never did.I would go weeks without seeing or hearing from him. Plus, he was a bit annoying. But two years later he's less annoying and just seemed to have grown up a little. So when he tried to kiss me last week, I kissed him. Just a little kiss though. Then we kissed a few times after that. Then as I was passing him at the bar last night he grabbed me and gave me this huge long kiss. Which was followed by suggesting we go have sex a few minutes later. It really pissed me off. I didn't even know what to say. It's hard for me to say "well I like you and I don't want to move that fast" especially when it seems all he wants is sex. I sent him a text saying "did it ever cross you mind that I might actually like you?" when I left. His reply was "yea kinda" so I said "I guess you haven't changed over the past two years then" which resulted in him calling me and then I had no clue what to say. I just listened to him talk and he said dumb shit like "well if it bothers you that I joke about us having sex then I won't do it" and "well you had sex with my friend a few weeks ago". Yeah, I did and that was a huge mistake. I actually liked his friend too, and it turned out he was a jerk, but I'm not going to tell him that.I basically told him I didn't want us to end up like we were before where he'd say he'd call me and then I wouldn't hear from him weeks. Then he told me he had to go and that he'd call tomorrow, he 'promised'. I'm not expecting to hear from him today and I really don't want to hear from him. I'm just not the kind of person who likes to share their feelings. I'm not going to put myself out there like that. If he likes me then he should respect me and not try and sleep with me, and not go hit on some other girl when I got mad at him (like he did last night).
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