The distinguished ramblings

It's been a long while since I've kept a current journal.

I'm not sure what all to say. I used to know exactly how to do this. How to write it so wonderfully.

So here goes I guess:

I'm completely heart broken. It feels like he ripped it out of my chest for me, cut it into pieces, stomped on it, threw it out the window and proceeded to drive over it and then put it back where it belongs. 

I don't think there is a band-aid big enough this time. 

I loved him so much. I never thought I would love anyone again the way I loved him. I had been waiting to love someone like that ever since Mike. 

I just wanted them all to accept me. 

I never expected for a phone call like the one I got to come. I never expected for things to end this way. I never expected for everything to end the way they usually do. He said he was different and things were. 

Then the sweet guy I loved and thought I knew so well... suddenly wasn't there anymore. He was cold and horrid and it hurt. It still does, but since everything of his is gone.... it's been easier. 

I don't know... I guess what I'll leave this entry with is a private message over Gaia

Except when I found his class ring. That was the first item traded between to show that we belonged to one another. I held it to my heart last night... maybe for the final time... I'm not sure.

It all hurts like hell. 

He came up here to get his stuff and it was this big drama filled thing... only for him to throw his king size bed into the trash once he got downstairs. 

He took the xbox and a few other things... and some of my money paid for these things and I just don't think it's fair, but whatever. I'm not going to argue. I don't have that type of fight left in my heart. The only fight I have left is the kind to make me survive.

Nick screwed me over. I had to be on medicine. I was trying so hard to get back to myself and I felt like I was really getting there.... but now I'm not sure. 

Last night was the first night I've been able to actually write in a long time. It's crap and I hate it entirely, but at least it's a huge start. It's a big jump to getting back to me. 

I've been speaking with Mike and he might move up here. 

My heart is in all sorts of messed up shambles and I'm not entirely sure what's going to happen from here.

I know that I'm scrambling for a job so that I can keep my place and my cats. That's all I want at this point.... that and a good support group so that I don't feel alone. 

i just want to make sure that you know any gifts i do not want back. just things i may have moved over to your account for just a bit of time.

Jeff: "i couldnt find anything that was yours. i think the last time we were at your grandparents we traded everything back? did we ever get you back the right cloak?
yes i think we did."

Me: "i need to know if you took any cords to my all in one computer. i cannot find the power cord anywhere. i remember you saying you let friends borrow one of your books your mother was asking about.

i don't appreciate your mother lying to the cops either.

i don't want to fight with you.

i just want to make sure both of us have everything that belongs to the other.

i found some other things of yours. i'll wait another week or so and after that anything ive found ill box it up and take it to the front office.


im still trying to make sense of why you wanted to come and make a show of everything when you could have just said you didn't want your bed.

and as far as your mother trying to contact me on monday... i didn't have a phone until that night and you guys did not waste anytime changing your numbers.

i just want closure now. i want to know why you just suddenly change everything about how you act. why everything is just so different suddenly. i don't really care anymore jeff.

you are just like every other guy. you don't give chances and you left on the same terms as other ones... with the same thing happening. i'm sorry that you haven't left much evidence otherwise.


i'm just trying to protect myself completely. we got the sutff from the other apartment. we'll get everything divided up and send you what you will owe.

On top of that I would like to know why it matters what I did with my gamer tag since it does not belong to you what-so-ever. i do not know why you felt you needed to sign into after you took the xbox. sorry... but it's on another xbox that i dont have access too. i had one of my friends do it.

Most of the time my money paid for everything. Sorry... and by the way I'm not with Nick. Sorry... but I will never go back to him ever.


I'm not sure if you ever intended of coming back and I'm sorry if you did. I'd like to know if anyone influenced you as well. Please."