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February 18th, 2009
08:25 pm - When Will It End?
I am becoming an blubbering, emotional, wreck. I cried off and on for four hours today, starting on my bus ride home from school. I haven't cried in like 3 years and yet here I am, doing cry and break down reports every other week. What the hell is wrong with me?
I'll tell you what, I'm a miserable, pathetic, stressed out person who thought her smarts would get her through college, but certainly won't. It doesn't matter how smart I am--if they keep piling 300 pages a week on me, on top of preparing for finals, papers, and all that crap, I'm seriously going to--I can't handle this.
Last night I started crying because James wouldn't pick up his god damn phone, and didn't even call back from the message I left after being able to pick up the phone. I was so worried about him. I had nightmares that he had died.
And all day I've been doing nothing but freaking reading. What's the point of being in a huge city where you can "experience life!" When this "life" forces me to stay home and do homework for 8 hours daily?
But I still typed up a paper will crying, because everyone tells me how fucking important college is. You don't have a chance of having a decent life if you going to fucking college! Asian Lisa told me last night that Ruth said "Roxanne is starving for human interaction." At first I was really offended to hear that. Lisa asked me if it was true, but I didn't want to answer her, and just said I'm going crazy. But deep down, I know it's true. Aside from when Heather and the others were over, I hadn't been around others nearly that much. Ever. It felt good coming home on Monday, because I knew Heather would be there to greet me, happy to see me come home. I didn't have that today, and It really depressed me. But depression is a taboo emotion to feel. If someone hears you are depressed, they will avoid you like the plague. No no, it's better to be angry. Always angry. Until it eventually eats you up inside and start bawling midday on a public bus, with the man sitting next to you sitting uncomfortably, praying another seat opens up so he can move away from snot-nosed, insane girl.
If I didn't have this overwhelming feeling, would I have daily thoughts about getting hit by a car or getting mugged and shot, and if it were a better alternative to showing up for school? Maybe not. And yet, quitting school isn't a possibility because I don't want to be part of the percentage who drops out of college by Freshman year, or knowing just how disappointed my mom would be, even though she says that I go to school to have a good life, not going to school for her (but it really is for her). How can people say college time is the best if life? Everyday I feel so beat down and dejected. Even know I beat myself up for writing this rather than doing more reading.
I'm a mess, and I don't know what to do. I've been praying, and my religious circle has been praying for me, but I feel just as lost as ever.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://i261.photobucket.com/albums/ii65/GoddessNamra/Heartless%20by%20Ruby%20D/rejected.jpg) Lost In The Crowd
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Comments:
![[User Picture]](https://www.scribbld.com/userpic/169847/18002) | | From: | ![[info]](https://www.scribbld.com/img/userinfo.gif) eraaxel |
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| Date: | February 19th, 2009 08:03 am (UTC) |
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I wish I could help you out, which I know doesn't benefit either of us. I'm lonely too, but the only solution I can come up with is an expensive one that will end up bothering a bunch of people. At the very least we have Spring Break that we can hang out together for. I love you! |
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