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"it was my biggest fear to lose you
now it's my biggest fear that i will never be who i was before you."

A friend of mine posted that on her journal. I have no idea what it's from but I can relate so much. I don't think I'll ever be the person I was before I lost my first love. I struggle so hard to be that care free flirty girl who knew she was beautiful, but in the end I always go too far. I have too much of an ego, and take flirting too far, and the whole time I just can't seem to get that feeling of apathy back. Maybe I was a bitch back then, but I knew who I was and I knew how to put myself first and be cautious. Now it seems like I'm just this open wound waiting for salt to be poured into me. I can't seem to heal. I care way too much. I can't just have fun, I have to be fun. I have to be the one everyone looks at an admires, and then when I'm rejected I take it so hard. I used to laugh about rejection, and say it was their loss, now I cry. It's been years now and I don't think I'll ever be the same.