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Life was so much easier when boys had cooties
Today was one roller coaster of a day. Got up this morning, decided I didn't feel like going to work and was going to find places to go canning for our trip here in two weeks. That went well. Found a bunch of places and have to make more calls tomorrow, which should go well seeing as I am calling basically the same stores but in different locations. Around 2p I went to go get my panoramic from my ex's mom. I stopped to get flowers as a nice gesture to her. Yea, that didn't work well. I know she is upset and who knows but I am too. It really tore me up that she refused the flowers. So I got home, was checking my Myspace and saw that Dave was going to Mansfield (also know as going to see Manda). So I gave him a call, and surprisingly he picked up. I had a really great chat with him which made my day so much better. He got me updated on Anthony's situation as much as he could. The reception was terrible cause he was driving and he also didn't know too much. No one really does. He wants to come visit me in State College sometime, hopefully soon, which would be awesome. He never came up when I was still with Anthony (he was supposed to for Anthony's 21st).

I can't wait to get back to school tomorrow. Hopefully I will see Ben at some point, but Im going to let him call me. I need to learn not to be so needy when it comes to boyfriends. I think just being in State College will help a bit in terms of the whole Anthony thing. School helps me keep my mind off of him most of the time. Being home and around everything that he and I shared kills me inside cause I think about all the good and bad times we had together. Even at school tho I think about him alot, especially when Im alone. Even listening to my iPod and iTunes makes me think of him cause of all the music he bought and transfered to my iPod & iTunes. Hopefully I will be having more contact with Dave and that will allow me to talk about things more than I do now. He understands me and where I'm coming from. I could never talk to Ben about this. One, because he is my current boyfriend and never knew Anthony and two, it would be weird. I guess I could talk to LJ but we have very different opinions when it comes to Anthony and I feel we would get into an argument like we almost did today. Erica never knew Anthony. Linda, Jess and Katie are too busy to take time to listen to me and my problems.

I my friends, but I feel like they aren't there for me when I need them to be, but whenever they need something I am there for them. It just aggravates me that I can take time out of my life at the drop of a hat for them but they don't have the same respect for me. I think thats why I cling to boyfriends so much. I'm trying to fill a void left by my so called friends. I don't know. Sometimes I wish I was still with Anthony. I don't think any of this would have happened had I not been selfish and wanted to see who/what else was out there. We would still be together. He most likely wouldn't be in jail. I would be happier. It just hit me today that I probably would have been engaged at some point between now and summer had we stayed together.

Am I truly happy with Ben or am I just fooling myself? Sometimes I feel like I'm fooling myself. I wonder if he really is any good for me or if he's just gonna pull me down if he goes down. But then again, Anthony pulled me down but I never saw it. With Ben, I know I'm getting myself into a semi bad situation. The real question is why do I allow myself to be put in these situations? That is the real question I need to answer and maybe then my life will start to get on track. What void am I trying to fill?