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◎ c h a r l i e ([info]spinnets) wrote in [info]valesco,
@ 2011-09-20 11:50:00


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Entry tags:charles spinnet, penelope fawcett

Penelope
While the rest of his team was still riding high on the win against the United, Charlie had found it difficult to be satisfied. They had hit him hard, and he'd let up more goals than he had in weeks and it felt like the rush of being captain and performing well had deflated completely. It didn't help that his hand still ached when the weather turned, but Axe had done his best to fix him up before the match (along with a lot of scolding in French). While getting mended Charlie had not been able to hold back all that had transpired with Fawcett in the corridor, which meant revealing that he'd been seeing Penelope, which meant that he was probably going to be put on the strictest schedules known to man to keep his mind focused on the game.

It also meant that he earned a few smacks to the back of his head, but that wasn't out of the ordinary from Le Capitaine.

He'd managed to escape his tyrant of a captain and his personal trainer today, however, because of some contract negotiations and other boring parchment work that needed to get done. Instead of going to the pitch for his workouts, Charlie found himself drawn to the park where he and Penelope had spent so much time. He felt like such a bleedin' sap for it, but it really was the best outdoor area to run, and he must've lapped it four times before he decided to call it quits. Some part of him thought that maybe coming back there would have her magically appear, but Penelope was avoiding him, of course she wouldn't go to a place they had hung out before. It was stupid of him, really.

Across the street from the exit of the park he took was a muggle bookstore, and Charlie remembered how his niece had been going on about how he had no bedtime stories for when she slept over. She was just as demanding as his sister, honestly, and it was just better to comply with Alicia's demands than not, so he started towards the store front.



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[info]perfectblack
2011-09-20 02:26 pm UTC (link)
She'd really made a mess of everything. That was the phrase constantly cycling itself through Penelope's head, so much so that she'd habituated to it, almost finding the background hum of it comforting against her thoughts. But she was trying, she really was, to fix it. Admittedly, she hadn't spoken to her brother since, nor had she done more than write a few letters to Bess. She missed her niece and nephews. But Penelope was, for the first time, taking steps that would let her take charge of her own life. Meeting with old professors, hunting for jobs, Dianna and she moving out—or eventually, once her brother agreed to a place of his liking…

Thinking of them made her feel a hint of shame and mortification for them to see her like that. Even Dianna, she'd thought uncomfortably, had never seen Penelope break that way. Because she hadn't. Even with the news of her parents and sister… the tears had flown swiftly and silently before even they drowned in the silence. Revealing just how much she'd hidden from her best friend, it made her feel selfish. Also quite stupid. As if on cue, she heard snatches of Drystan's voice, telling her exactly what he thought of her. If only he hadn't been right. But part of her, quite a small part, dared to hope that the grotesquely emotional highs these turn of events incited in her meant she was changing, she might even be healing. Penelope swore if this had happened but a month ago, she'd have stood quietly and taken everything hurled at her.

In that vein, she thought, today was the day to say good-bye to the quiet, desperate year of her life she'd whiled away here. Tomorrow, she'd receive word from Professor Flitwick about their meeting, and from there… she couldn't say for sure, but she was hopeful, yes. That in and of itself seemed so much an improvement.

Perhaps it was Fate's beastly way of reminding her that she wasn't being so proactive with the other dangling threads of her life, as she thoughtfully wandered the path along the few storefronts with her new hat jammed over the top of her head. Because Charles Spinnet was suddenly there when her attention was directed front again. How was it that her heart seemed to be leaping, turning over, and in her throat all at the same time?

She wanted to run. She wanted to stay. She wanted to shout. She really wanted to run. Instead, Penelope stood stock-still, so shocked it hadn't quite had time to register on her face, just feet from the entrance.

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[info]spinnets
2011-09-20 03:02 pm UTC (link)
Well---he'd almost missed her, with Penelope hidden under the new hat. Charlie's mind had been wandering everywhere, and at the last second he'd decided not to even go into the bookstore because he had no idea if his brother wanted Alicia reading muggle stories or not and...there she was. His whole reason for trekking out to the park across the street. Charlie felt himself clam up immediately; he had no idea what Penny knew that he knew, and to be honest Charlie really didn't know what he knew, either. Drystan could have just been messing with him and playing the angry older brother card. Who knew if anything her brother had said was the truth?

He unclenched and clenched his sore hand and wondered how he should greet her. If he should greet her. Charlie had done a lot of random bits of thinking lately and he'd formed the conclusion that if Penny had wanted him to know about the fight, if she'd wanted him to help her out, if she'd wanted him near her at all then she would have reached out to him. She'd been to his flat, she knew---Charlie tried to blame it on embarrassment, but what really was there to be ashamed of? He couldn't think that Penelope was capable of doing anything that bad.

"I was just---" he started, but couldn't come up with a good enough lie. It would do no good to tell her he'd been running around the park in hops of catching a glimpse of her, now that he'd found her. Charlie reckoned that looked a bit pitiful, "---I didn't think I'd see you."

At least that bit was true. His expression dropped, feeling tired, "How are you?"

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[info]perfectblack
2011-09-20 03:43 pm UTC (link)
The lie started to trip off her tongue as it had for the last two years, always "oh, I'm well—" but she couldn't tell him that. Not when she had all but disappeared from his life in these last some ten days. Especially not when she had a letter from him in her room, rolled and unrolled so many times it now had creases, until she'd stuffed it under her mattress in an act of desperation. It may have been only one letter, but its contents indicated there had been others she hadn't seen. Even so, she couldn't bring herself to respond.

If she was being honest about why, it became less that she'd lied to him about what she was doing with her life, and more that she gave Drystan's words more mind than she ought to have. Penelope tried to believe intellectually there was nothing wrong with what she and Charles had. But the way her brother went on about how that Spinnet was using her and what quality of character that gave him had her thinking… what if the roles were reversed? If it was she who was this horrible person exploiting people's feelings for her own gain, not giving notice or care to how her actions affected other people. Taking, doing, what she wanted. So far, the evidence pointed to yes. Now, it felt dirty and cheap where before it had felt livening and lovely and somehow very, very real.

Feeling suddenly old, she rubbed the back of her hand over an eye, willing away the prickles of tears that had been an unwavering though desperately unwanted companion for days. "I've been—" awful, ashamed, embarrassed, wai— "—sorting some things out." Though it was late September and there wasn't yet the bite to the breeze they might expect in fall, she brought the thin cloak closer around her as though chilled. "I'm sorry," she said quietly, her hand surreptitiously finding its way to tangle nervously in her curls, "for not… for being—I had some—" She ducked her head in an effort to hide the hitch in her voice and shut her eyes against the tears. A lick of self-directed temper held them at bay, and she met his gaze full-on, if a little desperately. "Family issues. I didn't think—" But she couldn't think of a lie or fib or even truth to finish her sentence.

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[info]spinnets
2011-09-20 08:38 pm UTC (link)
"Oh--no, no. No, no," Charlie let out, hearing her voice, trying to catch her eyes. Seeing Penny upset was startling enough, but actually seeing her show more emotion than she'd shared---other than being happy, she always seemed happy with him, so seeing her like this, hearing her voice, "Penny, Penny don't."

Charlie crouched as he put his hands on her shoulders, hoping she didn't mind his touch. She had never before, but that was---this was different. They didn't talk about this kind of stuff. Charlie rambled, Penny listened and gave him advice, and then he'd kiss her and she kissed him and---Merlin, he felt like such an idiot for not taking more notice in things. Charlie could come up with a million excuses for his lack of attention but that wasn't fair to her, and it wasn't fair to him. She could've reached out to him, but he could have done more.

He tried to push her back, out of the middle of the sidewalk and toward one of the buildings' storefronts. Charlie just wanted to know what he could do to help, he just wanted to help because he felt like if she hadn't been seeing him then all the chaos with her brother would not have happened. "Everything's going to be okay."

What the hell did he know, though?

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[info]perfectblack
2011-09-20 09:18 pm UTC (link)
Her first instinct was to push away. Her second was to cling as hard as she could. So she found the medium yet again, and was still and silent, letting herself be guided away from the pavement. Was her skin supposed to crawl now?, she wondered, or was it her heart that was supposed to jump? It didn't much matter, as both were happening.

Penelope realized, with yet another fissure in the well-cracked organ that felt like her heart these days, that pretending to be the happy, care-free girl she had the freedom to be with Charles was done. He may not have known the listless directionlessness of her life, but she always felt he would take it in stride. He never made judgments about the mad girl who threw herself at him in a closet, after all. To him, she wasn't poor, fragile Penelope who was scared to venture outside her house for months, lest the man she passed on the corner, or hovering inside the doorway, or vending in the alley wanted to take her away. Who people needed to tiptoe around for fear of saying the wrong thing and believing her to be hurt. Who worried every night she spent away from the rest of her family that something might happen to them, too. Who was too paralyzed by this fear of anything, of life, to wrestle her future under control instead of letting it drift on into uncertain eternity. No, to him, she was just a girl. And it surprised her how much she liked being that.

"I can't—" she sighed and shook her head. But no longer, Penelope reminded herself, as she idly traced a pattern along his shirtfront. She made no move to escape his hands, but instead asked, "Do you think I'm a whore?" almost clinically, eyes intent on her finger's progress.

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[info]spinnets
2011-09-20 10:30 pm UTC (link)
He could not believe the words that had come out of her mouth. Charlie just, he was shocked, he upset, he was insulted to think that Drystan must have---Did Penny think that he thought? Had he given her any reason to---Charlie was feeling more and more guilty about their behavior, but he never thought...had she felt used? He'd always been the one reaching out to her! Did---what--

"No," Charlie said sternly, his hands going to Penny's face. She needed to look at him! His chest was aching with the idea of having made her feel like that, of having her believe that, of having anyone think that---Merlin, he'd royally screwed this up, hadn't he? No one had known about them until it all came out to her sister-in-law, so what evidence did he have to prove to anyone that it was anything but a fling? Charlie couldn't deny that he'd participated in those kind of things in his time as a professional quidditch player, what kind of young man didn't, but----not with Penny!

He'd tried! He'd tried with her and she still wasn't sure? Or had he---this was all too confusing for Charlie. Maybe Penny just took what her brother said very seriously, and obviously, if you weren't the Drystan Fawcett and you played on a professional quidditch team, you were a scoundrel and a terrible person and---

"Penelope," Charlie let out, letting his shoulders droop as he felt like he'd just shed away a thousand pounds. All Charlie knew was what he knew, and that was all he had at the end of the day. He smiled at her, eyebrows high with hope; he just wanted a chance to make things right, "I think you've got me falling in love with you."

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[info]perfectblack
2011-09-20 11:18 pm UTC (link)
There was only one answer in the whole world that would affirm the thoughts running through her head right now. And he'd just given it to her. No less than she deserved. Her heart, quite an active participant in this exchange, seemed to give its last as it sank like a stone and seemed to keep right on going.

I don't even know who you are, Penelope, but it shames me just the same.

She was going to be ill.

"You don't mean that," she pleaded, now shrinking away from him, panic-stricken. "You have to stop, Charles. I'm not good for you. You don't know me, not really."

What she avoided giving attention to at all costs were her feelings. Her head was too full of everything else in the world to let her come up with a clear and easy answer. Maybe if it were true, maybe if she said she was felt the same, she could wrap her arms around him, kiss out the terrible feelings that plagued her, lay it all to rest. But then where was her punishment? Because that was the easy way out, and someone like Charles didn't deserve someone poisonous like her in his life right now. He would be doing himself a favor, nipping this in the bud.

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[info]spinnets
2011-09-21 12:10 am UTC (link)
What was happening? Charlie hadn't expected some grand romantic gesture, he hadn't even told her that he did love her, just that he was starting to feel like this was going somewhere that----he did care for Penelope, very much, and she drove him crazy in a way he couldn't explain other than being in love with her. But that thought was terrifying! Terrifying, especially since he was getting smacked with the cold hard realization that he only knew the bare facts about her.

"I want to know you, Penny, you just won't let me," he said, feeling frustrated as he stood straight, letting her break away. "I want to be there for you and help you and---I talked to your brother, he said some things and...and I want to help!"

He put a hand over his face to try and gain some composure. Charlie really had no fucking clue what he was doing right now, or why he was doing it, but again, this girl drove him absolutely mad so he had to put up some sort of fight.

"I don't care about your job or---whatever else, I---you've been real with me, haven't you?" Charlie regretted the question immediately, but that was what mattered to him. "This wasn't just some game, it's not---we could be more!"

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[info]perfectblack
2011-09-21 03:22 am UTC (link)
Fate really was bound and determined to show her what an idiot she was. Of course the first game she missed of either wizard was their first inter-league match, if indeed that was where they had talked. Or worse. She flushed, thinking of the choice comments Drystan might make about her, Charles, or them together. In that moment, she felt angrier with her brother than ever before. Fine, she deserved everything he said about her, maybe more, but Charles was a good person. If he laid a finger on him, Penelope knew it would be a long while before she could forgive her brother. Hearing he'd had words with Drystan, though… that hot feeling of shame that had become second nature to her was accompanied by something else, still warm, but softer. She supposed she hadn't realized he cared enough. It was humbling, and yet another check in the column of things that told her this was the right thing to do.

"It was never a game," she said softly, steeling herself to look him in the eye. "I swear it."

Bringing her arms tighter around herself, Penelope blew out a breath slowly and dropped her gaze, staring off into the distance where the park lay. "But it can't be more. I'm selfish and I've managed to do nothing but hurt people I care about, Charlie." She breached the lack of contact by reaching out a hand to cup his cheek lightly before starting to draw away. "I couldn't bear it if I did it more than I already have to you."

She let out a hollow laugh and gave him a look full of self-derision. "Do you see? The selfishness just doesn't let up."

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[info]spinnets
2011-09-23 10:57 pm UTC (link)
She wasn't giving him the feeling that she wanted to be convinced. When he fought with his sister, or his ex-girlfriends, or whoever, Charlie could tell when it was time to stop because the argument was pointless. He never had very good things to debate with, and now that he had given Penelope all his honesty and she still wasn't budging---Charlie didn't feel like he was giving up, and maybe that's what was telling him that he was doing the right thing.

"All I want from this," he waved between the two of them, "is for you to be happy. When you're happy, I'm happy, and---until you're happy with...yourself, then..."

Wow, this really sucked. Charlie rolled his eyes up to the sky to try and be smart about it, make it sound like this was fine and it was supposed to be like this. Penny wasn't in a good place, and he knew that now. He didn't understand it, but he knew it and if she wanted his help then he'd give it, but for now she didn't seem to be able to take it.

"Then you need to figure it out," he said, a lot softer than before, hoping his voice hid his sadness, "You---know where I live, you know how to contact me and I'll...be there. For you." That made him feel better, making sure that she knew she could still rely on him. Charlie wanted to move to kiss her goodbye, even if it was just on the forehead, but he stopped himself. It didn't need to seem anymore bittersweet than it was.

"Hopefully I'll see you around then."

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[info]perfectblack
2011-09-24 01:02 am UTC (link)
She wanted to say thank you. She wanted to yell at him for not fighting more. She wanted to yell at him for fighting at all. She wanted to touch him, just once more She wanted five thousand feet and more between them.

So she did nothing, like she always did. Instead, she stood there and hugged herself as though it were the only thing keeping her securely together. When Penelope knew it was the end, she thought she might have nodded, perhaps mouthed I'm sorry or thank you, or both, and walked past. Not ran, not turned 'round, but made her way steadily, if slowly, down her previously intended path which suddenly seemed to nauseate and overwhelm her. She did not cry. She would not cry.

Hurt battled disgust. Temper, tears. Tiredness overcame her suddenly, the sort that made her wish to go home, whatever it was called now, crawl into a bed, and sleep for a hundred years.

Even if it was all one's own doing, so much loss was hard to bear.

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