May 28th, 1978
Who: James Potter, Emmeline Vance, and Benjy Fenwick
What: Dumbledore decided Ben needed a visit
Where: Ben's new home town
“Now---now you listen here, Vance, I don’t care that you’ve got some revenge plot for Benjy---“
“You really think that’s why I’m here?”
“Well, you wouldn’t let go of your beater’s bat when I approached you…”
“Yeah, well---it’s a new strategy Gideon came up with.”
“Right. Always knew Prewett had some tricks up his sleeve.”
James glowered slightly as he slowly pushed the door to the sports store opening, wincing at the bell that rang. He really had wanted to do this alone, that Dumbledore had been right when suggesting he be the liaison between them and their estranged member. James believed this was the best decision, even if Sirius had argued to come along and Frank---well, Frank had grumbled a lot and sulked off, so that he wasn’t sure of, but Emmeline had grabbed his arm outside of the meeting and demanded she come along. He’d opened his mouth to argue, but her blazing eyes told him that she was going to end up finding Ben before him, so to make life much easier, he’d agreed quickly.
“Hello?” James called out into what seemed like an empty store, unsure of how they’d be received. Emmeline let out a snort and stormed past him, and he reached out to grab the back of her shirt, “Would you stop--“
“Oh, get off it, he---hey, hey---Ben.”
Benjamin Fenwick was now really being called Benjamin. Granted, since they'd moved to Painswick after the attack, his parents didn't call out his name much, and only his employer and two neighbours talking to him occasionally, and not very often. But when they did use his name, it was only Benjamin. His father had quit his politics, and in such a small town as Painswick, nobody knew who he was. They left their house and flower shop behind, and now his parents rarely left their new, smaller house, while he was the only one working in the only sports hop there.
His wand was back in Kent, too. Snapped in two and thrown in the fire on the day he'd got back from Hogwarts. His trunk, and every belonging of his that was remotely magical, were locked up in a cupboard, in the house he knew he won't set foot in anytime soon, if ever. The same house that witnessed the murder of his sisters, his niece and nephew, and his brother in law.
"Benjamin."
He turned around dully at the mention of his name, his eyes hollow and blank. Right. He was supposed to unpack the new boxes. It was difficult to remember things like that now that he refused to think much. He barely knew who he was anymore, and he felt like he was simply floating along, waiting for his breath to run out.
He hoisted the closed box and trudged his way through the shelves, ready to start arranging the tennis clubs into place, when he heard his name again. This time, however, it wasn't Benjamin. He hadn't been called Ben for months, which was why perhaps, it took him longer than usual to turn around, and face the girl he never thought he would see in his life, ever again. He stared at her, obviously shocked, and only minutes later did he notice Potter behind her. What the fuck where they doing here?
"Can I help you?" he said automatically, trying to keep his voice void of emotion. They needed to leave. Now.
“Are you really going to pull this---” Emmeline started out angrily, but this time James wasn’t going to let her get ahead of him and he quickly slung an arm around her shoulders and covered her mouth with his hand, trying to look and calm himself down to a point where it could be considered normal. Of course, he knew the situation was nowhere near normal, but it would be best to act that way and----
“Fuck, Vance you didn’t have to bi---”
“How are you?” she addressed Ben immediately, causing James to hold back a huff, but he was interested in the answer. “I know you can’t be---I’m not expecting a real answer, but---things, are they---better. Not that---I---you know.”
Honestly, James had known and dealt with Ben for far longer than Emmeline had, and furthermore, he was a bloke, and James was quite sure the former Gryffindor (former, oy) did not want to talk about feelings.
“We all want to know how you’re holding up,” James added, leaning against one of the aisles, crossing his arms (and throbbing finger, fucking---) and carefully looking over Ben.
Ben simply stared at the two, stopping even his thoughts from expression admiration for Emmeline's feisty move. He'd always been impressed with her when she acted like that, but right now, bigger things were starting to settle on his mind, and there was no way he'd be impressed, amused or relieved. Not even touched that they'd bothered with tracking him down and showing up in the middle of nowhere to know how he's been holding up.
A few more minutes passed where he just stared, trying to stop himself from getting angry. He'd been bottling up that anger for a long time now, which made it worse and more difficult, obviously. His parents were sleeping in opposite bedrooms. Each one of them had to eat in his room by himself, whatever he can get. No home cooked meals, no family dinners, no laughter, no tv, no talking. He hadn't been talking to anyone but his employer and customer, and frankly, after so much time, he didn't have neither the energy nor the will to start talking now.
"I'm busy," he said coldly, bluntly, and dumped the box on the floor, only to turn around and head back into the shop.
James bit back another sigh and grabbed onto Emmeline’s sleeve as she went to follow Ben. He really didn’t like manhandling the girl, but she was only going to get into more trouble if she barged in after him.
“He’s not---he’s not really like this,” Emmeline said, sounding desperate. James shut his eyes for a second before squeezing her shoulder and nodding; he didn’t know what he’d do if Lily had dropped him off the face of the earth---probably be just as insane as the girl in front of him seemed to be getting, more so.
“I know, come on,” James said, letting her go and Emmeline actually followed behind him this time as he entered the back room, pushing around boxes with his toes. “When’s your lunch break? I’ll treat you to some good pizza, I know a place near here.” No, he didn’t, but that wasn’t the point.
Strangely enough, among the million issues that were cruelly pressing onto Ben's not-too-bright brain was the fact that he knew he'd feel worse if he snapped at them. It was true that he was such an expert at distracting himself, stopping himself from thinking about everything related to the magical world, but still, there was that uncertain time between going to bed and falling asleep that his mind had to wonder. He'd never admit it, but he felt bad for leaving Emmeline, Frank, James, Lucy... Everyone. He didn't feel guilty, because he knew he had a valid reason, but he still felt bad. And deep, deep down, he knew that he didn't really blame them for anything. He only blamed himself for going to Hogwarts in the first place.
So, right, he didn't want to blow up in their faces, and he knew that if they stayed here, he was bound to.
"Leave." He ordered coldly, his back turned to them. "I'm not the one you're looking for."
James bit his tongue; Dumbledore had told him not to force things; that it would take time for Ben to come around, if he ever did. Reaching out was the first step, and it letting that settle in Ben’s mind would help over time, and maybe he’d come back and help the cause, or just---come back. There was no way that this almost soulless looking man was the same bloke he’d shared a dorm with for six years, teased and pranked, been pinned down by---Ben might not need them in his life, but he needed to get his life back.
He tugged on Emmeline’s sleeve, they weren’t supposed to agitate Ben, Dumbledore knew what he was talking about and while James didn’t want to leave, he knew it was for the best.
“No,” the girl’s voice cut the silence sharply, and she pulled her arm out of James’ grasp. Bloody fucking---she was almost as infuriating as Lily, maybe even more so, because he didn’t get to have a make up shag afterwards----James let out a quick breath through his nose and nodded slightly; he’d go back into the store and give her what he knew was the much needed time with Ben. Maybe she’d stop being psychotic.
Emmeline waited until the door to the back room shut before attempting to say something.
“I want to help you, I shouldn’t, but I do,” she said simply, hands clenched.
“I'm almost done." He replied before he could think about it, fully knowing that it would infuriate her even more than she already was. Potter was no longer in the room, there was no one to hold her back, but he still said it. Coldly, offhandedly, and with his back turned to her. He couldn't let her see that she reminded him of anything good. He didn't want her to see that she reminded him of anything, really. That chapter in his life was over, and nearly forgotten. It was over, he could no longer acknowledge it.
"This area is for employees only," he continued in the same cold tone. "If you step outside, someone would be with you right away." Formal talk, usual talk, the only utterances he'd been using for the past few months. He just had to.
“Who do you think you’re talking to?” Emmeline snapped immediately, feeling her face flush with anger at his complete avoidance of her real question. The fucking bastard, how---she knew he had to be in a dark place, but Ben knew, he had to know that she would always be there, no matter the situation, no matter how much it hurt; she wished more than anything that she wouldn’t be there, that she could force herself not to care, but Emmeline knew that it was never going to happen and.
She was going to deal with that whether Ben liked it or not.
“Do you think I’m just going to let you brush me off like I’m some stupid tart off the street, like I haven’t spend the last two years of my life caring and loving you and dealing with all of your shit and all of your problems and all---all of you, and---“ Emmeline let out a huff, her voice shaking with anger and tears and she just wanted to hit him for not looking at her, how wasn’t he looking at her?
“And if you think that---that I’m---I’m going to let you give up and---and---I---I’ve said it before, you---you can’t, Ben, I swear to God I’m going to---going to---“ Emmeline couldn’t find the words and just threw her hands down, letting out a disgruntled noise.
There, a crack in his shield. He wished she didn't remind him that she loved him, that she cared for him. He knew he needed someone to love him now, especially when whoever remained of his family was having a hard time to even acknowledge his existence, but he couldn't afford it. He had given her the chance, and she refused it. If she wanted to stay in that world- if she wanted to risk herself like an idiot, well, then he wanted nothing to do with her. He couldn't afford another loss, no matter how much he loved her.
His back was still turned to her, and he was struggling with himself. He had to worry about not having his shoulders slump down, or his fists clench. He had to make sure his knees weren't shaking, and he had to stop any sort of voice to escape his lips. And he couldn't let her see his expression before he mastered it.
"It's Benjamin," He still had that tone, and he hated himself for it. But it had to be done. He couldn't worry about her anymore, he couldn't. Just imagining someone telling him about her death, like he'd heard about his sisters, was too much. There was no way he'd risk turning that image into reality. "My name is Benjamin. You're not allowed in here, miss."
If he hadn’t broken her heart so many times before, Emmeline was sure his words had pierced straight through it now. Emmeline stood for another minute, seething at his back, and she didn’t say another word as she turned on a heel and left the back room, slamming the door as hard as she possibly could, causing Potter to jump a foot in the air and drop a bowling ball on his foot.
As he cursed and moaned, Emmeline stormed through the aisle to the front door and flung that open too, and found herself dropping down to the curb of the pavement, pulling her knees to her chest and staring determinedly at the ground. Find, fine, she’d wait for him to be off work, so fucking be it.
A few minutes later Potter joined her, the foot that had the ball dropped on gingerly stretched out into the street. Emmeline knew she didn’t have to say anything, and she appreciated it; she knew James would wait with her, and maybe all Gryffindors weren’t complete morons.
He didn't dare believe it when he felt the door slam behind her, and for someone who had been getting out of his way to make her leave- to make them leave, he felt quite disheartened. It took more than a sigh and a shake of the head to brush the thoughts away and get back to work. Way more. Almost an hour passed with his forehead pressed against the one of the shelves, almost an hour before he heard his boss call Benjamin again. Almost an hour before he drew in a shaky breath, shook his head again and back to work.
He wasn't expecting to find them outside almost four hours later. He almost didn't notice them as he stepped outside, and set on locking up and sliding the metal bars down. When he did notice them, he felt the blow that should have been when he first saw them inside the shop, like icy water splashed roughly against his face. And with it, he felt his armour crack. "What the fuck are you still doing here?"
“Well, Frank’s been helping me out, but I mean, he’s not showing me anything in particular,” Emmeline muttered, sitting back on her hands as she and James kept up with the small talk. At first it had been an angry silence that they’d sat in, but she knew James wasn’t one to keep quiet, and he’d asked her about quidditch, and that led to some stories from years past, then to random tales that they both had and---she hadn’t remembered that James was the one who’d caused Frank’s ninth birthday cake to explode. “He wouldn’t reveal any of your plans, no matter how I pried.”
“Good man, Longbottom is, I’d have to kill you both, you know.” They both turned when the door opened, the bell ringing once more, and watched Ben listlessly close the door and bring down the shutters. Emmeline’s nose scrunched at his reaction, and sent a sideways look toward James, to let him answer, “Trying to pick up a hooker, it’s hard, in the middle of the day. Emmeline’s a persistent little one, though.”
Emmeline held back a snort, because that would only make things worse, but she stood up and wiped off her skirt, letting out a breath. “Well. You’re off of work now, you’re free. Now you have no excuse.”
He didn't think Potter's answer was funny, even if he knew he would've laughed about it a few months ago. He just glared, focusing on her reply more, because it was extremely infuriating.
"I don't need an excuse. The guy you're looking for is dead, I don't want to see you or talk to you, bugger the hell off." He spat angrily, shoving the keys into his pocket and not waiting for too see their reaction. He didn't want to know if he'd managed to hurt him, or anger them, or just amuse them. As soon as his words were out, he spun around and started walking toward the park, the closest way up the hill and to his home. No, not home. To his current house.
James really didn’t want to follow Ben, he knew, just fucking knew they were going to make the situation that much worse; hell, he’d been growing up, okay? He wasn’t about to throw himself head first into what he knew was a dangerous and volatile situation----James knew angry Ben, and he was just a time bomb ready to go off.
But, apparently, Emmeline didn’t give a damn, so James let her storm after Ben, keeping a few meters behind, but close enough to jump in when necessary. Hell, he knew he could handle Ben, but he’d never actually witnessed Emmeline get pissed off----Frank had warned him of such events, and he didn’t need anymore injuries (owww his hand foot!).
“OH, well then!” Emmeline shouted at Ben’s retreating back, not noticing Potter falling behind, “How convenient! How fucking convenient! Now we don’t have anything to worry about, that’s bloody brilliant! Good gracious, if I had known that Benjamin Fenwick was such a coward, I wouldn’t have wasted my fucking time!”
Emmeline knew it was a low blow, but it needed to be said, even if he continued through the park and never came back. He needed to understand. “That dead guy, the Ben I knew? No way he’d give up like this---and let them win, yes, that’s right---you’re falling right into their fucking hands, Benjamin, scare the poor mudblood right out of school and the whole world will be better off!
“Thank goodness the old Ben’s dead, he’d want to kill himself if he saw what he’d become!”
James Potter was mostly right about his speculations. It was terribly wrong to follow Ben when his temper was starting to flare, because really, it wasn't a pretty sight. He'd broken a boy's nose once, another's thumb at a later time. True, he had spent years in Hogwarts trying to bury that side of him, but whenever something so unbelievably infuriating came along, there was no stopping that side.
His pace quickened as her first words reached his ears, and his anger managed to only ball his fists so tightly he felt his nails dig into his palms. He had to keep going, he didn't want to hurt her no matter how much she was hurting him. This was her, Emmeline. Em. He couldn't hurt her. Oh how he wished she'd just shut up, stop stalking, quit following him. It was getting more difficult to draw in air into his lungs, and that combined with the anger was turning into an awful form of panic.
He thought he was going to make it home before he loses it, and maybe slam the door shut in their faces and spare them a good hex, but no. She called him mudblood. That word never bothered him much, because it was like getting cursed it in another language, in another world. But when she said it, the one who had been getting offended for him when he was called that, something snapped.
He turned around wildly, his shoulders shaking with rage, his eyes flaring with fury. "Shut the fuck up!" His voice wasn't his own- it was filled with so much anger and sadness that he thought the whole world might cower the minute he hears it. "You have no bloody idea what you’re talking about- just shut the fuck up!"
It was obvious that he wasn't going to be able to hold back what was coming next, but he still hoped they'd turn around and leave, or maybe just apparate.
Good, Emmeline thought viciously, and it tore her into a million pieces to hear Ben say those words to her and see him glare at her, but good, there was emotion and feelings and----
“Maybe I haven’t gone through what you have, Benjamin,” she spat, looking him up and down as if he were some piece of filth; maybe she wanted him to think that, “But I sure as hell know that when I thought Frank was dead I didn’t roll over and hide under the covers, I joined the fucking Order, I was ready to race out there and do whatever the fuck I can to stop those bastards from ever hurting anyone again---do you think Eloise would want this for you?”
She waved a hand at him, gesturing nastily toward him, as if he were dismissing him, which he was. “She was one of the best and most wonderful people I’d ever met and I---you know she would never want to see you like this, you know that Brigette and Russell---they wanted their babies’ uncle to be strong and----and you’re just giving up!”
Emmeline couldn’t stop her tears now but she wasn’t sad, it was the anger that had been building up over the past few months finally flooding over, and she didn’t care how squeaky her voice had become. She had to be harsh and say what was on everyone’s mind; Ben had given up, and he knew it, she knew he did.
“And I---even if---even if you don’t come back to the wizarding world, I don’t---you just can’t be like this, you have to---to try, for them Ben,” she couldn’t stop herself from calling him that, it was what she knew, “For them, Ben, not for me or Frank or anyone else but them.”
She was only making it worse. She was looking at him as if she believed that he was really a mudblood, that he was filth and scum-the only person he'd never thought would turn against him, and she was definitely making it worse. He could feel himself getting angrier, and thank god he didn't have a wand anymore, because he would've definitely pulled it out and pretended some slimy Slytherin was the one talking to him.
"DON'T YOU DARE SAY HER NAME!" Ben found himself yelling when he heard his sister's name for the first time in months outside his head, but she kept going, she kept naming them- "SHUT UP- DON'T YOU DARE- YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO-"
Clearly he wasn't thinking, because if he were, Ben just wouldn't have ignored her tears and the fact that she was the love of his life- or used to be, only to step forward and push her shoulders back, wanting to hurt her.
"Your people killed them- you're not fucking allowed to say their names! Do you know what it's like to look at the calendar and remember it's your niece's second birthday, and then remember that she's dead? Do you fucking know how it's like to have your parents ignoring you, ignoring each other and just getting locked up in their room for months? Do you have any idea what it's like to miss fighting with your sister, and to just wish she was here to yell at you one more time? You bloody well don't- don't you fucking judge me- don't you dare-"
Tears were starting to well up in his eyes, and his mouth was spitting with each and every word he said, and oh how he wished to just be dead right now.
Ben was the luckiest person on earth, the fact that it was Emmeline Vance he’d put his hands on like he did, and she only stumbled slightly because he was bigger and stronger. Any other woman in her right mind would have started crying and she did hear a shout from behind her from what she supposed was Potter, but she didn’t care. Good, let it get to him, let him see that he still fucking cared, that there was still something inside of him.
“Yeah---you know what---my fucking parents ignored me all of their lives, they got up and disappeared off the face of the fucking earth the second I turned seventeen,” Emmeline shrieked; she knew what it was not to have anyone care, something that Ben had never, ever experienced, “You were a lucky one Ben, you had people who loved you and cared about you and wanted the best for you, you were someone that people trusted and they wanted to be a part of your life and---for you to just forget all of that, to throw all of their love away is absolutely pathetic.”
She’d been holding back this entire time, but now Emmeline couldn’t stop herself from pushing her hands out into his chest to shove him away from her.
“You can’t forget them you can’t,” she shoved him again, but it was getting pathetically weaker with each passing motion, and she was crying now, seeing the tears in his eyes and, it---just, everything, “I won’t let you---you can’t! Do it for them, wake up, Ben! Just---just wake up!”
"Lucky?" Ben spluttered outrageously, completely unaffected by the fact that she was trying to shove him away. He was much taller, much stronger, much angrier. "Lucky that I've had people who fucking cared about me? It only makes this more painful, you fucking-"
He stopped himself and stepped away, turning his back to her once more, but not leaving. He simply stood there, catching his breath as if he had just been in a violent basketball game. His eyes were darting back and fourth on the ground, his thoughts shoving each other against the walls of his brain. How dare she, how dare she!
"I didn't even have fucking time to spend with them before it happened- you've been prepared for the moments your parents left your whole life. I haven't seen them for months-" his tears were streaming freely down his cheeks now, but he felt no shame. His emotional capacity was overloaded at the moment, he couldn't feel shame. "I didn't have time with them because I was at that fucking school. They were murdered because I was in that fucking world. I'm not going to forget about them, I'm just going to forget about you."
“SO DO IT!” Emmeline screamed back, far past hysterical at this moment, “WALK AWAY RIGHT NOW AND I’LL NEVER BOTHER YOU AGAIN!”
Lies, all lies---no, no, not this time! No, this was it, Ben had to say it, he had to say that he was never going to think about her again, that he was never going to try and make things work even if it was only to be acquaintances, to share a glance while walking down the street, anything besides completely erasing her from his life. This was it, she wasn’t going to waste anymore time saying the same things over and over again because---because---
Even now, she couldn’t think of a reason to abandon Ben, how she hated him for that. Emmeline’s arm crossed her chest and she rubbed her shoulder, not that it physically hurt, but just to have something to hold onto.
“Tell me, look—look at me and tell me, tell me that’s what you really want, tell me that and----” she let out a shuddering breath, forcing herself to keep her eyes up for when, if, he actually turned around to face her, “And you’ll never have to see me again.”
There was a moment of hesitation- a few moments, actually, where Ben just stood there, his eyes still darting here and there on the ground, as if following some insanely quick bug. There was finality in her voice, and edge that he knew could only mean she was serious. He hated her for putting him in a situation like this, he did.
"This isn't about you, okay?" he finally answered, his tone just a touch softer, and turned around to face her. "I've lost my entire family- I've lost the thing that means the most to me, the thing I was living for, because of that world. It wasn't anything to do with magic. When you're burned, you step away from the fire. I want nothing to do with that, and you can't live without that. It's not about you."
She let out a breath she’d been holding during his hesitation and Emmeline’s knees had been ready to give out. Oh, oh God, that was a much better answer than she ever could have expected. There was hope, maybe not for the magic---but--good.
"Okay." Emmeline nodded once, twice, and she couldn't help the small smile that crossed her face. Okay. That's what she'd come here for, in all honesty, to get Ben to realize for himself what was really wrong. Maybe it was the first step to reconciliation with the wizard world, maybe it was the last step to completely break away from it. But it was something that was going to push him toward a goal, any goal, and---okay.
Nodding once more, Emmeline took a risk and reached out and grabbed Ben's hand, squeezing it before turning quickly and joining up with James. They'd definitely done something, today, and Emmeline finally felt a bit of peace with herself.
Fuck, that had been a long time coming.
