a n t o n (antonins) wrote in valesco,
@ 2008-05-06 16:22:00

Entry tags:

Kalista
He was quite sure he was going to kill himself.

Antonin squeezed himself into the windowsill that looked out into the courtyard, shoes pressed against the stone of the opposite side, and back curled up uncomfortably. He had been on his way to the library, because whether or not anyone believed it, he actually did care about his grades and the upcoming N.E.W.T.s he didn't have the money to live frivolously off, and no matter what...acquaintances he managed to have after he left Hogwarts, it still wouldn't be satisfactory enough to support himself. His sister seemed to be doing fine, but Antonin wanted nothing to do with her type of business--maybe he did want to succeed on his own, but he was content with people thinking he didn't give a shit.

But, he was definitely going to end up killing himself if June didn't come faster. This Saturday was the final quidditch match, and while he'd been less than lackluster as a captain, something had shaken him up enough to drive his team into the ground. But now with Sloper's dad and the lack of a starting chaser (no, he was not allowing himself to think about Regulus, he couldn't let his mind wander in that direction, so Zach's dad was the biggest thing right now), Antonin was beginning to dread the upcoming match.

Right, morbid thoughts were quite counterproductive for a nap. His body had literally decided it could not make the trek down to the dungeons, and if anyone so much as brushed his shoulder as they passed, Antonin was going to end up---well. It wouldn't end well.

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antonins
2008-05-08 12:19 am UTC (link)

His eyes widened, not necessarily in annoyance, more of a...'here we go' kind of surprise, even though it should have been expected. Antonin didn't know how the thought of Kalista just continuing on her way had crossed his mind, but for a split second there (maybe even a whole bloody minute) he had believed he would come out of this chance encounter (chance? They lived in the same fucking dorm---) relatively unscathed except for his lack of nap.

Antonin's eyes flicked up to match Kalista's and his shoulders and eyebrows shot up quickly in a full body shrug as if it wasn't a big deal to look at her. Even though it was, and he hated that it was. No matter how much he tried to deny it, there was still a huge part of him that wanted to have Kalista being all---girlfriend, like. If that made sense. He knew he didn't have the time or energy to be the boyfriend she wanted, so that was what helped him keep all of this up and--

He just didn't want to hurt her anymore, he supposed.

See, he could care. Even if it involved breaking her heart, but. He cared.

"Happy?"

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hath_no_fury
2008-05-08 12:56 am UTC (link)

When his eyes met hers, she blinked, remembering just how intense his stare could be. The nonchalant gesture he made caused her to cross her arms over her chest, raising her chin as she litterally held her head up high. "Overjoyed." Her single word was dripping with sarcasm, even though she really was happy to have him look at her.

God, she thought she was over him. She had put all of her attention on Ludo, and thought that she wouldn't care if she saw Antonin ever again, or spoke to him. But she did. He wasn't just some boy, he was the first boy she had ever loved, and he had broken up with her for no reason at all. She couldn't understand it, and she hated him for that. Everything was going fine, and they were doing good, and he was opening up to her, and he had told her everything and then...he just ended it. And, even though he had hurt her, she still wanted to be around him. She still did want things to go back to how they were.

A while went by where nothing was said, which wasn't surprising since Antonin was basically a mute at times. And while she wanted him to give her a reason to stay, to give her something to talk about or something to do, but he wouldn't. He wasn't about to start a conversation with her, and he wasn't about to apologize...but she wasn't ready to leave. And while she hated knowing that if she took the first step at being civil with him, it'd seem like she was alright with what he did to her, but that was a risk she was willing to take. "What were you doing out here?" She tried to make it sound like she didn't care, but...

Ugh, she couldn't help it, it was him.

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antonins
2008-05-08 02:55 am UTC (link)

She was such a girl. Such a girl, wanting to---talk when all he wanted to do was sleep. And--look at her, he wanted to look at her, but he didn't want her to know he was looking at her. Which was easy, most days, because he sat in the back of the room, slumped low in his chair with his hair in front of his eyes (very good disguise, that). Here--here he had to actually let her know that he was staring, not that he was yet, just that he---

What the fuck, they weren't even dating and they confused the shit out of him.

"Trying not to die," he muttered somewhat honestly, not caring that he sounded more than morbid. Antonin knew it was probably not the best thing to say, not with the news of Regulus just having hit, but he wasn't sure where he sat with that. Regulus had been his friend, mostly from process of elimination as Zach and Bertram had paired off long ago, and Walden was just fucking insane, but---when things were easier, and a lot more innocent, he'd actually liked the guy. To hear that he'd chickened out of being a death eater, well--

Respect was lost, and confusion filled in, leaving Antonin unsure of what his final memories of his friend should be. So he chose to ignore it.

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hath_no_fury
2008-05-08 09:32 am UTC (link)

She wasn’t really so sure why his response caught her so off guard, but it did. Maybe it was because of Regulus, or maybe it was because it caused her to worry about him…maybe it was a bit of both. He was trying not to die. Did that mean there was a chance that he could? Well, of course there was a chance, but…ugh, the thought of him getting himself hurt, or dying didn’t sit right with her. It made her head hurt, even though there was a time that she wanted to knock him off of his broomstick and break his neck.

“That’s…productive.” She spoke with her eyes now staring at the ground, shifting her weight to one foot as she brushed some of her hair behind her ear. Damn it, now she was thinking about Regulus again. He just had do bring up death, didn’t he? It wasn’t like she didn’t want to think about Regulus—

Well, she didn’t, but only because thinking about him really being dead was far too depressing. It was obvious that her mind was somewhere else now, since she kept staring at the floor, her arms crossing tighter across her chest. Blonde strands that had been tucked away just moments before fell back down, but she ignored them.

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antonins
2008-05-08 05:34 pm UTC (link)

Great, she was being a girl again. Why did she have to be--well, it would awkward to think about Kalista if she wasn't a girl, but did she have to so obviously...feel...things. Mother fucker, there was no way he could handle a girlfriend right now. He couldn't even take looking at a girl that he wasn't even dating that might be upset over something without mentally panicking. Of course, Kalista wasn't just any girl, and it hurt him to see any sort of pain on her face, even if it was just thoughts about their friend, but. He couldn't do anything about it, anymore.

"Are you okay?"

...didn't he just say he couldn't do anything?

Antonin winced quickly but wiped the expression of his face, turning back into the blank slate he was trying to force upon himself whenever Kalista was near. He couldn't show her that he still cared, because then she'd start to gang up on him about the breakup, and then he would give in and be her boyfriend again, and then he would do something stupid to hurt her again. No--in this weird, backwards way, to show how much he cared for Kalista meant to keep her out of his life and far away from him.

"About---Regulus?"

Why was he still talking? Fucking stupid faulty--brain. Mouth. Brain to mouth, connection.

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hath_no_fury
2008-05-08 06:06 pm UTC (link)

His voice made her blink, looking up at him, only just realizing that she had just been staring at absolutely nothing on the floor for so long. “What?” She had heard what he said, but wasn’t sure what he meant by it. Was she okay with what? Was she okay with him? Was she over him breaking up with her? There were quite a few things he could have meant with that one simple question, and it wasn’t until he continued on did she know how to respond to the question.

Right. Of course that’s what he meant. Despite the fact that she was usually a selfish person, she did feel bad thinking he might have been talking about them and not their recently deceased friend. “Oh…” the word was spoken softly, swallowing roughly, not able to make eye contact for the time being. “I’m…” her shoulders rose into a shrug, falling back down with a sigh. “Yeah. I’m okay. I’m not really sure if it’s really sunk in yet. It usually doesn’t until the funeral.” There was a pause before she let her eyes meet his again. “…are you going to be there?”

Yes, she was being a girl. Yes she wanted him to be there, because she knew that Evan wasn’t happy about the circumstances and was really only going to pay his respects to Regulus’ family. And, even though she knew that if Antonin was there, he wasn’t going to comfort her anymore, or be her shoulder to lean on, or tell her that everything was going to be alright, she wanted him there. There wasn’t one good reason as to why, seeing how the situation would probably be awkward and uncomfortable, and would probably make her more upset, knowing she didn’t have anyone to hold her when she needed it the most, but…she still wanted him there.

Needing comfort and support was very important to Kalista, especially when she was in pain. That was the only reason she had really done anything with Ludo Bagman. True, she had learned to tolerate his presence, and sometimes actually liked being around him, but…he just made her feel good. He made her feel better, but it wasn’t the same. He wasn’t Antonin. She didn’t love him.

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