a n t o n (antonins) wrote in valesco,
@ 2008-05-06 16:22:00

Entry tags:

Kalista
He was quite sure he was going to kill himself.

Antonin squeezed himself into the windowsill that looked out into the courtyard, shoes pressed against the stone of the opposite side, and back curled up uncomfortably. He had been on his way to the library, because whether or not anyone believed it, he actually did care about his grades and the upcoming N.E.W.T.s he didn't have the money to live frivolously off, and no matter what...acquaintances he managed to have after he left Hogwarts, it still wouldn't be satisfactory enough to support himself. His sister seemed to be doing fine, but Antonin wanted nothing to do with her type of business--maybe he did want to succeed on his own, but he was content with people thinking he didn't give a shit.

But, he was definitely going to end up killing himself if June didn't come faster. This Saturday was the final quidditch match, and while he'd been less than lackluster as a captain, something had shaken him up enough to drive his team into the ground. But now with Sloper's dad and the lack of a starting chaser (no, he was not allowing himself to think about Regulus, he couldn't let his mind wander in that direction, so Zach's dad was the biggest thing right now), Antonin was beginning to dread the upcoming match.

Right, morbid thoughts were quite counterproductive for a nap. His body had literally decided it could not make the trek down to the dungeons, and if anyone so much as brushed his shoulder as they passed, Antonin was going to end up---well. It wouldn't end well.

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hath_no_fury
2008-05-06 09:48 pm UTC (link)

Kalista had heard the news about Regulus just yesterday, and she still couldn't get her head around it. Not only had they dated early on at Hogwarts, but they were also second cousins. It wasn't anything incestual, since there was no real blood connection, since he was her Uncle Cygnus' sister's son, but they had always been rather close. They always bumped into eachother at weddings or social gatherings, and had remained very friendly, even though they both felt a little bit awkward when they found out about thier family ties.

But...Regulus was dead. And Kal couldn't wrap her head around it. It had to be some sort of mistake. There was no way that she could lose her mother, and a friend in the same year. She had felt horrible when she heard about her uncle Orion, but she wasn't that close with him so it didn't hit her as hard. Why did it have to be Regulus? Why couldn't it have been his brother, or someone she didn't give a shit about? But, she wasn't about to let herself get weepy and emotional. She had to keep her head up, and wait until Saturday, when she could go to the funeral.

It was hard to keep her mind focused on anything else, but she had been trying to study in the library for quite some time, sitting at one of the tables with her quill tapping against the parchment. She had to have read the same sentance in her textbook about 40 times, getting completely aggrivated once she read it another 8 times and it still didn't make any sense. This was useless. There was no point. She was better off going back to her room to lay down and just stare at the ceiling for a few hours. So, she gathered her books and exited the library, holding everything under one arm, looking down at her feet as she walked, not even noticing that someone was walking towards her until it was too late, and they collided with her. The books dropped to the floor with a loud crash. "Oh, great, thank you." She glared at the Gryffindor who had apologized before he began walking off rather quickly. Ugh, he didn't even try to help her pick up her books. Sighing heavily, she crouched down on the ground and began to gather loose papers, trying to put them in order, not even noticing that Antonin was sitting on the window sill just a few feet away from her. "Just what I need today. Fucking Gryffindors..."

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antonins
2008-05-07 12:42 am UTC (link)

The scattering of books shook Antonin out of the barely there slumber. He was ready to snap at the clumsy idiot that had forced him to start the sleeping ordeal again, but the blond head of hair that was stooped low caused him to bite his tongue. Of course it could've been another blond, but Antonin knew Kalista's figure better than anyone and was immediately drawn to it. Well fuck, now he wasn't going to be able to sleep at all. Not that he thought he could actually talk to her, and Antonin wasn't exactly sure if he wanted to, but she had a nasty habit of taking over all of his thoughts, and Antonin felt a low growl in the back of his throat. Barely audible, kind of sounded like a low snore, but---

Great. Now he was going to have to skip Arithmancy to get some sleep; well, at least he knew Emmeline would give him her notes. Ugh, but not without bitching, God he needed to get the fuck out of school, worrying about exams and grades seemed so fucking unimportant---but he knew tomorrow he'd find himself stressed out about them again.

"Here," he let out with a sigh, slinging his legs off the sill in defeat. Antonin kicked the book over to Kalista, watching it slide across the floor to her. He hated how he immediately felt awkward of the prospect of looking her in the eye, and his chin was almost ducked to his chest in avoidance.

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hath_no_fury
2008-05-07 02:18 am UTC (link)

She didn’t even mind that someone was moving nearby, but when she heard that voice she froze in place. Her arm remained extended out towards some papers as her eyes widened before they looked up to see Antonin. It had been so easy, trying to avoid him, walking out of a room whenever he entered, or just taking a different route to her classes to avoid running into him, so this was the first time they had actually been in the same area and either of them had said anything to the other. Eventually, she blinked and looked down at the book he had just kicked over to her before she reached over to grab it, placing it into the pile of books and papers beside her. She didn’t say thank you, or really acknowledge that he had just helped her out, but just continued to pick things up, only to have a strong wind come in from the window to blow her papers away again.

Groaning, she leaned back from her kneeling position and sat down on her feet, watching as everything floated away. It wasn’t even gathering everything that was going to be hard, because a simple spell could probably gather everything together quite easily, but did this have to happen right here? Right now, in front of him? Her hands raised to push her hair away from her face, her jaw clenched with annoyance, knowing she would have to get up and grab everything while he was just standing there. It was either get up and move around, or sit there looking like an even bigger idiot not doing anything. So, standing to her feet, she dusted off her bell bottoms and moved over to bend her knees to pick up her work, feeling her cheeks get a little pink due to embarrassment.

This was really what she needed right now.

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antonins
2008-05-07 07:08 am UTC (link)

There really was nothing he could do. If he jumped up and left, it would be obvious that he was rushing away to get away from her, but if he sat there, feeling like an idiot and---why did she have to bend that way? Bloody she-devil, that's what she was; Kalista had to know what she looked like just now, with him standing, so--fucking---close.

"Accio parchment," he muttered quickly, and the scattered notes piled together and zipped through the air to his hands. Antonin's eyes remained down as he stuck out his arm toward Kalista, muttering, "Here," as he shook them a bit to get her to take them faster.

They were broken up, she wasn't his girlfriend, she wasn't allowed to make him feel things anymore, even though he was sure that all he was feeling right now were basic animal instincts. But, still--that's why he'd broken up with her in the first place; he didn't have time for superficial things like snogging or---a relationship. But damn it all if he didn't miss it. It was as if he couldn't look at her without picturing her naked, and while Bertram Aubrey could relate, Antonin knew that it wasn't the same kind of feeling. Ugh.

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hath_no_fury
2008-05-07 07:20 am UTC (link)

Since her back was to him at the moment, her eyes shut as she sighed, hearing all of her papers rustle around after he spoke the spell. They opened once again as his voice sounded through the room, now straightening herself out so that she was standing, slowly turning to look at him as he shook the papers at her. She stepped forward and grabbed the other end of her notes. “…here…is that all you can say?” A brow quirked as she pulled the papers out of his hand, tucking them securely underneath her arm.

Now would probably be the time where she should have walked away. She should have just turned around and headed back to the common room, but because she was standing in front of him, she found herself unable to move. Her mind wanted to, but her body just…couldn’t. Her eyes dropped down to the floor, biting at the inside of her cheek before they raised up to stare at him. “So you can’t even look at me now?” The words were edged with annoyance, figuring that he had no right to be avoiding her. He was the one who ended things…

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antonins
2008-05-08 12:19 am UTC (link)

His eyes widened, not necessarily in annoyance, more of a...'here we go' kind of surprise, even though it should have been expected. Antonin didn't know how the thought of Kalista just continuing on her way had crossed his mind, but for a split second there (maybe even a whole bloody minute) he had believed he would come out of this chance encounter (chance? They lived in the same fucking dorm---) relatively unscathed except for his lack of nap.

Antonin's eyes flicked up to match Kalista's and his shoulders and eyebrows shot up quickly in a full body shrug as if it wasn't a big deal to look at her. Even though it was, and he hated that it was. No matter how much he tried to deny it, there was still a huge part of him that wanted to have Kalista being all---girlfriend, like. If that made sense. He knew he didn't have the time or energy to be the boyfriend she wanted, so that was what helped him keep all of this up and--

He just didn't want to hurt her anymore, he supposed.

See, he could care. Even if it involved breaking her heart, but. He cared.

"Happy?"

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hath_no_fury
2008-05-08 12:56 am UTC (link)

When his eyes met hers, she blinked, remembering just how intense his stare could be. The nonchalant gesture he made caused her to cross her arms over her chest, raising her chin as she litterally held her head up high. "Overjoyed." Her single word was dripping with sarcasm, even though she really was happy to have him look at her.

God, she thought she was over him. She had put all of her attention on Ludo, and thought that she wouldn't care if she saw Antonin ever again, or spoke to him. But she did. He wasn't just some boy, he was the first boy she had ever loved, and he had broken up with her for no reason at all. She couldn't understand it, and she hated him for that. Everything was going fine, and they were doing good, and he was opening up to her, and he had told her everything and then...he just ended it. And, even though he had hurt her, she still wanted to be around him. She still did want things to go back to how they were.

A while went by where nothing was said, which wasn't surprising since Antonin was basically a mute at times. And while she wanted him to give her a reason to stay, to give her something to talk about or something to do, but he wouldn't. He wasn't about to start a conversation with her, and he wasn't about to apologize...but she wasn't ready to leave. And while she hated knowing that if she took the first step at being civil with him, it'd seem like she was alright with what he did to her, but that was a risk she was willing to take. "What were you doing out here?" She tried to make it sound like she didn't care, but...

Ugh, she couldn't help it, it was him.

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antonins
2008-05-08 02:55 am UTC (link)

She was such a girl. Such a girl, wanting to---talk when all he wanted to do was sleep. And--look at her, he wanted to look at her, but he didn't want her to know he was looking at her. Which was easy, most days, because he sat in the back of the room, slumped low in his chair with his hair in front of his eyes (very good disguise, that). Here--here he had to actually let her know that he was staring, not that he was yet, just that he---

What the fuck, they weren't even dating and they confused the shit out of him.

"Trying not to die," he muttered somewhat honestly, not caring that he sounded more than morbid. Antonin knew it was probably not the best thing to say, not with the news of Regulus just having hit, but he wasn't sure where he sat with that. Regulus had been his friend, mostly from process of elimination as Zach and Bertram had paired off long ago, and Walden was just fucking insane, but---when things were easier, and a lot more innocent, he'd actually liked the guy. To hear that he'd chickened out of being a death eater, well--

Respect was lost, and confusion filled in, leaving Antonin unsure of what his final memories of his friend should be. So he chose to ignore it.

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hath_no_fury
2008-05-08 09:32 am UTC (link)

She wasn’t really so sure why his response caught her so off guard, but it did. Maybe it was because of Regulus, or maybe it was because it caused her to worry about him…maybe it was a bit of both. He was trying not to die. Did that mean there was a chance that he could? Well, of course there was a chance, but…ugh, the thought of him getting himself hurt, or dying didn’t sit right with her. It made her head hurt, even though there was a time that she wanted to knock him off of his broomstick and break his neck.

“That’s…productive.” She spoke with her eyes now staring at the ground, shifting her weight to one foot as she brushed some of her hair behind her ear. Damn it, now she was thinking about Regulus again. He just had do bring up death, didn’t he? It wasn’t like she didn’t want to think about Regulus—

Well, she didn’t, but only because thinking about him really being dead was far too depressing. It was obvious that her mind was somewhere else now, since she kept staring at the floor, her arms crossing tighter across her chest. Blonde strands that had been tucked away just moments before fell back down, but she ignored them.

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antonins
2008-05-08 05:34 pm UTC (link)

Great, she was being a girl again. Why did she have to be--well, it would awkward to think about Kalista if she wasn't a girl, but did she have to so obviously...feel...things. Mother fucker, there was no way he could handle a girlfriend right now. He couldn't even take looking at a girl that he wasn't even dating that might be upset over something without mentally panicking. Of course, Kalista wasn't just any girl, and it hurt him to see any sort of pain on her face, even if it was just thoughts about their friend, but. He couldn't do anything about it, anymore.

"Are you okay?"

...didn't he just say he couldn't do anything?

Antonin winced quickly but wiped the expression of his face, turning back into the blank slate he was trying to force upon himself whenever Kalista was near. He couldn't show her that he still cared, because then she'd start to gang up on him about the breakup, and then he would give in and be her boyfriend again, and then he would do something stupid to hurt her again. No--in this weird, backwards way, to show how much he cared for Kalista meant to keep her out of his life and far away from him.

"About---Regulus?"

Why was he still talking? Fucking stupid faulty--brain. Mouth. Brain to mouth, connection.

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hath_no_fury
2008-05-08 06:06 pm UTC (link)

His voice made her blink, looking up at him, only just realizing that she had just been staring at absolutely nothing on the floor for so long. “What?” She had heard what he said, but wasn’t sure what he meant by it. Was she okay with what? Was she okay with him? Was she over him breaking up with her? There were quite a few things he could have meant with that one simple question, and it wasn’t until he continued on did she know how to respond to the question.

Right. Of course that’s what he meant. Despite the fact that she was usually a selfish person, she did feel bad thinking he might have been talking about them and not their recently deceased friend. “Oh…” the word was spoken softly, swallowing roughly, not able to make eye contact for the time being. “I’m…” her shoulders rose into a shrug, falling back down with a sigh. “Yeah. I’m okay. I’m not really sure if it’s really sunk in yet. It usually doesn’t until the funeral.” There was a pause before she let her eyes meet his again. “…are you going to be there?”

Yes, she was being a girl. Yes she wanted him to be there, because she knew that Evan wasn’t happy about the circumstances and was really only going to pay his respects to Regulus’ family. And, even though she knew that if Antonin was there, he wasn’t going to comfort her anymore, or be her shoulder to lean on, or tell her that everything was going to be alright, she wanted him there. There wasn’t one good reason as to why, seeing how the situation would probably be awkward and uncomfortable, and would probably make her more upset, knowing she didn’t have anyone to hold her when she needed it the most, but…she still wanted him there.

Needing comfort and support was very important to Kalista, especially when she was in pain. That was the only reason she had really done anything with Ludo Bagman. True, she had learned to tolerate his presence, and sometimes actually liked being around him, but…he just made her feel good. He made her feel better, but it wasn’t the same. He wasn’t Antonin. She didn’t love him.

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