JAMES randall POTTER (misterprongs) wrote in valesco,
@ 2008-04-22 21:07:00

Entry tags:

Lily :[
James woke up with a start, and he stared down at the drool covered pillow with mild, but confused interest. He blinked quickly and looked over to the clock---holy shit, when had he gone to bed? Or, a nap, it was too early in the evening to have lied down to bed, but he'd just finished some potions at the Order headquarters, and that had been right at noon...the potion had to sit for several hours so he'd come home and...

His eyebrows rose, twisting over in the bed to search for Lily, but she was no where to be found. He must've just come straight to bed and passed out for a good five hours. Bloody hell. Immediately feeling guilty, James tossed the covers off of his body and sat up. He wanted to go and find her and apologize, but now that he'd gained full consciousness, James felt his shoulders sink and he stared out the window, managing to find himself utterly exhausted once again. It had been going on nearly three weeks now; waking up and realizing that Sirius being gone wasn't a dream.

He stared down at his sock covered feet, forcing himself to ignore the wetness of his eyes. It had become harder and harder to keep his composure; no one was even bothering to talk to him, save for Lily and Remus. His natural ways of a leader were causing him to be an absolute dictator to the Order members that didn't hate him (Dearborn and Vance had given him a mouthful when he'd gone off at them--) and James couldn't find it in himself to change. He barely registered the sound of the door opening, and barely flinched as Lily entered his eyesight.

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missusprongs
2008-04-23 04:25 am UTC (link)

"You're up."

Lily frowned lightly as she said this, and had to hide her surprise. It wasn't that she wasn't pleased that the potion had worked, but she had hoped that he'd sleep longer. When she had left him he had looked peaceful for the first time in almost three weeks. She knew that every little bit helped, but five hours just seemed like so little when he'd spent so long without a proper rest at all. Fleetingly, she thought back to the extra vial of sedative that Alice had left with her, but the guilt set on almost immediately and she shook the thought from her head. She felt bad enough already for having slipped him the drugs once; twice would be too much, even if it was for his own good. For his own good. No matter how many times she said that to herself, it didn't stop her from feeling horribly selfish for the whole thing.

She had slipped her husband sedatives, and she knew that it had been--at least in part--due to the fact that she needed a break. What kind of a wife did that make her?

Coming over to sit down next to him on the bed, she reached up a hand and fruitlessly patted down his wild hair, made even wilder by the pillow. It was an affectionate gesture mmore than anything, like she would have used with a child. Lily leaned up slightly to press her lips against his temple lightly, and then dropped her hand, running it down his arm until it dropped back to her lap. "You must have been exhausted. Did you sleep well?"

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misterprongs
2008-04-23 09:27 pm UTC (link)

James nodded, leaning into her touch and taking in a deep breath through his nose. He'd gotten over the natural instinct to avoid crying in front of Lily, or--well, anyone; it was pointless after all the traumatic experiences he'd been through. No one could blame him, and James could really give a flying fuck what they thought about him. No, he wasn't uncomfortable at the moment, he longed for Lily's touch because it seemed to be the only thing that managed to soothe him lately. James was simply mad at himself for not being able to control his emotions better, because what good was he when he was ready to mentally breakdown every second of the day.

"Yeah," he said, trying his best to sound somewhat positive, rolling his shoulders, "I did. No dreams, either."

Dreams, meaning nightmares, which James knew he'd been having. He couldn't help how eerily similar Sirius' disappearance was compared to the time he and Frank spent in France. He'd gone months without being haunted with the images through the night, but since they'd first realized Sirius was more than just hiding from the world, his dreams had only consisted of flashes from the experience.

He sent a still somewhat-tired smile at her, leaning forward to lean his forehead on her shoulder, inhaling deeply. It was becoming more and more of an effort to get up and move, to go back to the Order house and try to force things to happen that simply weren't. James knew he had to, because if he didn't do anything, he'd feel worse, but it was getting harder and harder to make himself believe that there was a reason.

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missusprongs
2008-04-24 01:32 am UTC (link)

Her arm went around his shoulders immediately at feeling his head against her shoulder, and Lily pushed her face into the crown of his head, breathing in the smell of his hair. "That's good," she murmured. "I'm glad." So maybe it wouldn't be terrible of her to give him the second---no, no, she wasn't going to do that, she had to scold herself again. That last vial was only with her in the case that he really needed it again; in case Sirius doesn't come back. Those had been the unspoken words between the two women as Alice left her that morning. Both of them knew well that if they couldn't find Sirius, if he was killed or he just never returned, that James was going to need a lot more than a sedative to help him.

But Lily didn't like to think about that possibility, even as the days wore on and the reality of it all got harder and harder to avoid. She had to keep trying to keep her mind off of it and stay optimistic about it all, because she was pretty sure that if she let James see her give up, it could be the last straw for him. If Sirius was still alive, he needed James looking for him, and to keep James looking for him, Lily was ready to do everything that she could to get him to keep believing.

"I went out grocery shopping today," she spoke again, determined to bring up the small talk in hopes of getting his mind off whatever places it was wandering. Lily didn't buy his positive act when he was actually doing a half-decent job at it, much less now. "I bought stuff to make a cake--chocolate with strawberries, yeah? I was going to make it later this week, maybe Saturday."

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misterprongs
2008-04-24 04:51 am UTC (link)

He let out a somewhat pleased sound, lips moving in a smile across the skin of her arm. James had all but slumped his entire weight into Lily, arms going loosely around her waist to hold her position. It was, as strange as it was, weird to be the ones that were doing the worrying, and not inside the middle of all the chaos that was going around them. James had never done anything, that he could think of, that put him in a situation like this, however, and he felt that was the difference.

Part of him was so fucking angry at Sirius for daring to go to the funeral. A rather big part of him, which was making setting up search teams so much harder to do. Because---not only did they have to be subtle about it, as really, all they 'were' were concerned friends. The aurors were on the case now, so it was making life much more difficult than it would have been if this was a situation they had to keep muffled.

Because---how the fuck could you keep anyone from noticing that Sirius Black was missing?

His face lifted to kiss her and James' grip around Lily's waist tightened. He knew exactly what she was doing, and instead of allowing himself to dwell (there was plenty of time for that, he did need to get back to the Order house---) he wanted to thank her.

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missusprongs
2008-04-24 05:32 am UTC (link)

She wasn't sure if it was the nap that was putting him in a better mood or if whatever she had said to him was really working (doubtful), but whatever it was, she was thankful for it. Of course, she still doubted that James was being completely genuine, but she felt like he was actually putting some effort into it, and that was something. For a moment Lily felt just an inkling less guilty about giving him the sedative.

Lily smiled softly against his lips and her free hand poised itself on his arm around her waist, thumb tracing circles on his skin. When she pulled back, her eyes ran over his features, still smiling but unable to keep the bittersweet mood out of the gesture. She knew he knew that she was only trying to distract him--it was just how they were. They understood each other completely, and it was because of that in times like this that they let them try to help the other out, rather than getting into some big argument and making themselves even more miserable. It was one of the most comforting things in the world, Lily thought, to have someone who she had such a thorough mutual understanding with. No matter which one of them it was suffering, the other would be there, and they would accept that help because they got each other.

"I love you, you know," she said, barely a whisper, before leaning in to kiss him one more time.

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misterprongs
2008-04-25 10:52 pm UTC (link)

James didn't care about sounding cliché anymore; hearing those words escape Lily Used-to-be-Evans-but-is-now-Potter's mouth always made him melt. Always, even if it wasn't a full out flush across his entire body like it was right now. Sometimes it was just a quirk of his lips or a wink of his eye, but every time James heard Lily tell him that she loved him some part of him was ready to burst with happiness. Some days it was the only thing that could get him to push on, and James loved her even more for it.

He let out something of a response into the back of her throat as James deepened the kiss, one arm wrapping tighter around her as his hand slid up her back. His obsession with finding Sirius had unfortunately messed up more than his mental state, and it felt like years since he'd touched and kissed Lily this way. A voice in the back of his head, one that was being almost completely muffled by the fog the feel of her skin was creating, felt guilty about snogging his wife while his friend was still missing, but---

--no, no James reckoned one of the things Sirius would want for him was to get laid, and he smiled against Lily's mouth. It was the first positive thought he'd had about his best mate in nearly a month, and James felt his heart pump with a new sense of hope.

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missusprongs
2008-04-27 05:28 am UTC (link)

Lily couldn't help the tentative thrill that shot through her when James deepened her kiss. She thought she could feel a shag coming on, but James had been so preoccupied and unhappy lately that she wasn't sure if he could possibly want that now. It wasn't like she was feeling sexually deprived or anything--okay, okay maybe just a little--but really she just wanted any sign that he was still sane. And... well, not happy, but coping. Dealing?

She had been dying for so long to just see one sign that James was okay. She knew it was impossible to ask in this situation, but Merlin did she want him to be.

Oy, Lily, stop, she thought. He was touching her and kissing her in ways he hadn't in far too long. She mentally kicked herself to stop overanalyzing and just enjoy this--but his smile helped a lot. It felt genuine. It felt wonderful.

While trying not to break their liplock, Lily climbed up onto her knees on the bed and moved so that she was straddling her husband, each knee pushing into the soft comforter on either side of him. Gently, she pushed her weight against James' chest, forcing him to lay down, and she lowered down with him, one hand going out to hold herself up over his body.

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