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Donovan Rookwood ([info]impulse) wrote in [info]valesco,
@ 2010-07-14 00:09:00


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Entry tags:danielle rookwood, donovan rookwood

Danielle
Visiting hours were just about to end, and while Rafe and Gabriel had remained behind in Jonas’ room, Donovan had what he considered ‘good reason’ for wanting to get out of there at least a few minutes earlier than was required for any guests at Mungo’s. Thankfully he didn’t need to explain what this reason was, but some part of him had a feeling they already knew – if they had been checking his latest entry, they definitely knew. He didn’t want to be immature and avoid her completely if he saw her, so he thought it would be better if he left before Danielle – her, maybe ‘Healer Kettleburn’ was the more appropriate title, considering she was his best friends primary care taker while he was laying unconscious in Mungo’s.

God, he still couldn’t believe she was back. His head hurt at the mere thought of seeing her again, and the anger, the frustration and anxiety he had been feeling all week because of what has happened to Jonas was sure to surface and reach a boiling point the moment those blue eyes set sight on a blonde he knew so many years ago; a blonde he had loved - or, he thought he loved her. They were just kids, when they had been together…but he knew whatever it was he felt for her was strong, and it was real, and he knew he didn’t know what to do with himself for such a long time when she just vanished one day. She had the decency to at least let him know she was going to Colombia, but never said when. He found that out on his own when he went to try and see her at her home, only to have the news broken to him by her parents.

5 years had come and gone, and Donovan had…changed, over the years. Not really for the better, but it wasn’t for the worse, either. He was just different – less trusting, less open in any relationships he had been in after she was gone. Some part of him always thought that they were just going to leave, just like she did, if he let himself grow too attached, so he never did. It was this change in his behavior that finally made his parents decide they were sick of waiting for him to settle down on his own, because he probably never would at that rate. It was after waiting 5 years for him to marry and have an heir that they matched him up with Cecilia Hooke.

She did make him happy, and he did care for her after spending so much time with her, but in all honesty they were both more damaged because of past relationships than either of them wanted to admit. She was hurt by Evan, a man she had loved who had been a servant to the Dark Lord and killed in action, and Donovan by Danielle, a woman he had loved who might as well have been dead, in his eyes.

Thoughts of the 17 year old girl who had left a hole in his chest the day she had left carried with him down the hallway of Mungo’s, slow strides taking him closer to the elevator, his thumbs hooked into the pockets of the jeans he was wearing. His finger was extended to press the button down to the main floor, but just as it lit up, the doors opened.

Of course the first person he saw when they opened was the one person he was trying so desperately and foolishly to avoid. They were bound to run into each other eventually, considering she was taking care of Jonas during his stay at Mungo’s, but he definitely didn’t want it to be now – he didn’t want it to be today, when he had only just found out she was back, and he sure as hell didn’t want her to look even better than she had back in Hogwarts.

It just gave him another reason to resent her.



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[info]curador
2010-07-14 11:07 am UTC (link)
Slowly, as he berated her, Danielle began to piece together why she'd done the things she had. She'd understood immediately why she had not contacted Donovan, and now she was getting a clear, solid answer as to why she hadn't owled or anything of the sort during her five years in Colombia. He didn't want her to say anything, he said, and now that she was forming a clear response in her head she felt more and more terrible. About the entire situation and about finally understanding and accepting why she'd cut herself off from her life in England. Danielle hated being unable to voice her side of discussions, arguments, but she hated being in the fights even more.

Did she want him to forgive her? Danielle had come back to England believing that she would be fine not speaking to Donovan ever again, or that if they did run into each other, she could be an adult and have a civil conversation and move on. She had tried that, but it was clear that the pain she had put him through was still very strong and she hadn't been expecting that. What had she been thinking? Danielle was surprised he wasn't married, she was surprised that he didn't have a child already or---she had thought he would have had the happy life she'd pictured for him in Colombia. Who knew, though? She'd barely spoken to him, and the few words he'd sent to her had been filled with venom.

But she didn't believe that he could possibly be in a relationship of any importance if he still managed to be this angry with her.

"It's---" why was she still talking? Her mouth shut for a moment as she remembered that he had no desire to hear her side of the story, but she couldn't help herself. Not when he was acting so passionately, "It's terrifying to think about how mad the person you love is--at you," she said with a shaky voice, "I was--terrified of having you hate me, and I--couldn't bear with it so--I didn't---"

Danielle pushed her hands to her face to wipe away any tears; she shouldn't be crying, she was the one that had left and ended everything they had without a word. She didn't want to try and play the victim because she knew this was her fault, Donovan had done nothing wrong, he'd only been the boy she'd loved for so very long,

"Please don't hate me, you could--never speak to me again but please don't hate me." Danielle sucked in a breath straightened her shoulders, ready for him to dismiss her request and meek explanation.

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[info]impulse
2010-07-14 03:45 pm UTC (link)
The monosyllabic way she started with her inevitable response left him standing there, staring down into those sapphire blues – the same set he had stared into so many times in the past, but so very differently. He used to look at her like she was the God damn world, and he felt so incredibly idiot for it, now – just another reason to add onto why he was acting the way he was: she made him feel stupid. She made him feel pathetic, and Donovan Rookwood was far from either…or so he wanted to believe.

Why had he fallen so hard for her? He cursed her so many times after she left, hoping at first that maybe he’d hear from her – maybe he’d get an owl, or maybe she would come back, even for just a day, just to give him some sort of closure. But, she didn’t. 6 months went by, and then a year, and then 2, and…time kept passing by, and at some point during all of this, he had just given up. He had stopped hoping for something that clearly wasn’t going to happen, and at some point, he woke up not thinking about her, and stopped thinking about her ever since. Whatever photographs he had of the two of them were stored away, and he had cut her out of his life, just like she had with him.

It just seemed so much easier for her…and now that they were standing in such close quarters, and she was telling him how she feared contacting him because of how angry she knew he’d be, and seeing her cry-…

Damn it, why did she have to cry? He had so many ‘why’ questions going on in his head as he watched her sputter out what she wanted to say, pleading with him not to hate her. He stood there in silence for a good couple of moments, the muscles of his jaw tightening again as he braced himself.

“Do you have any idea what it was like?”

He hesitated for a moment before continuing; explaining. His voice was low again, but much softer. He still looked angry, but as he continued, that grown, savage dog’s ears started to droop, his tail basically between his legs as he explained all the reasons why he felt he had every reason to hate her – at least a little. “We talked, so many times, about how you were going to Colombia…and of course I didn’t want you to. I didn’t want to lose you, I didn’t want you to not be here…but I was only 17. I wasn’t thinking about your future, I wasn’t thinking about what you wanted…and your solution to that was to just go. I tried, so hard, to pick up a quill and write to you, but I was too stubborn…I couldn’t find the words to say to you, other than ‘come back’; I thought you should be the one to write to me, to at least explain why you didn’t say good-bye, why you didn’t at least give me that much. We were together for 5 years, Danni – and for those 5 years, I had to listen to my parents tell me how you weren’t good enough, how I was wasting my time, how you weren’t, and I quote, worthy…but each time, I defended you. Each bloody time I’d hear them say something about you, about my halfblood girlfriend, I defended you…”

By now, he looked so much like that 17 year old boy back at Hogwarts and not a thing like the 22 year old lawyer he had worked so hard to become.

“Do you have any idea what it was like…listening to them tell me, over and over again, how right they were? How I had wasted my time on you, and how you were never coming back – something I so foolishly denied for such a long time…and then you didn’t, and reality became so crystal clear.” He swallowed roughly. “It wasn’t easy…it wasn’t ever easy for me, but you were worth it…or, I thought you were.”

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[info]curador
2010-07-14 04:12 pm UTC (link)
It seemed like this entire conversation was going backwards. They were initially angry because she hadn't announced her return, she finally explained why she hadn't contacted him over the years, and now Donovan was reminding her why she had left in the first place. Danielle felt increasingly terrible for all the stress he'd been under from his parents, but her mother had always told her to do what was best for her, that if---Danielle clenched her fists by her side, trying to keep her composure; she was not used to showing this much emotion, only bloody Donovan made her like this, ever. All his friends thought she was weird because of how stoic she seemed to be all the time but he knew---

"I wouldn't have left!" she finally admitted, feeling terribly stupid for it. Danielle would pass out before she let any more tears fall so she forced herself to stare at the top clasp of his cloak to hopefully keep herself from losing all the sense she had, "If I had told you I'd bought my ticket, if I had gone to you and told you that I was going to go even though you didn't want me to and I saw you and I saw your face I---would not have gone, and I needed to, I----"

Her hands went up, still balled into fists but they pressed against her mouth. Danielle was nearly shaking at how completely stressed out she had found herself within the span of five minutes, and all because of this man. "I needed to go, and when I did I was too scared to see how much you hated me for leaving because I would've----that would have killed me and----"

Finally her hand forced itself up to her face and Danielle covered her eyes, her other hand pressing hard against her waist to try and keep her strength. She had been avoiding this subject for five years, managing to keep it submerged deep within her mind whenever anyone asked her if she had family or a special someone back home. It had always hurt, but she'd been able to push it away, and now it was all bursting out of her chest and killing her.

"I wouldn't have gone, I made the choice but---" She shook her head, hand still covering her eyes because she couldn't look at him, "I regretted it the second I got there, I just---couldn't-"

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[info]impulse
2010-07-14 11:56 pm UTC (link)
Her sudden exclamation caused his brows to furrow, lips pursed as he listened to the explanation that followed. He really wished it would have caused him some comfort, but it really didn’t – not the slightest bit. What she was basically telling him, or how he was interpreting this, was that he would have been the one to hold her back from fulfilling her dreams – that if she had been to see him, she wouldn’t have been able to say good bye, and she would have stayed, and she would have been miserable; she was also telling him that even if she did leave after saying good-bye to him, she still would have been miserable. She took the easy way out. She didn’t want to suffer, so she ran away from everything she couldn’t face, and left him to deal with everything on his own.

“Is that supposed to make it alright? Telling me you regretted it?”

He looked away from her, staring down at the floor of the elevator, his teeth clenching together as he raised a hand to push back through thick locks of chestnut. He was trying to gather his thoughts, but between all the work he had been given these last couple of weeks and stressing about Jonas, and all the other day-to-day issues he had to deal with, this wasn’t what he needed right now.

“I never would have wanted to be the one you held responsible for never achieving your dream. I never would have wanted to be the one who held you back, the one you blamed for that…but I never would have wanted you to feel trapped, either.” He looked back up at her. “Maybe you wouldn’t have gone if you had come to say good-bye, but that’s no one’s fault but your own. I wouldn’t have ever made you stay…but you never even gave me the chance to let you go.” He swallowed roughly and looked away with it.

“There’s no going back. This,” he was referring to her career, why she had gone to Colombia in the first place “was what you’ve always wanted…more than anything, you wanted to make something of yourself…and now, you have. Clearly you made the right decision.”

It was then that he pushed the button to make the elevator move again, turning to face the doors again.

“So congratulations.”

As the last syllable spilled from his lips, the doors finally parted and he was able to step out of the incredibly small box they had both been trapped in – so small that it felt like he was about to suffocate, like the walls were moving in on the both of them, and he could barely breath.

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