Donovan Rookwood (impulse) wrote in valesco,
@ 2010-07-14 00:09:00

Entry tags:

Danielle
Visiting hours were just about to end, and while Rafe and Gabriel had remained behind in Jonas’ room, Donovan had what he considered ‘good reason’ for wanting to get out of there at least a few minutes earlier than was required for any guests at Mungo’s. Thankfully he didn’t need to explain what this reason was, but some part of him had a feeling they already knew – if they had been checking his latest entry, they definitely knew. He didn’t want to be immature and avoid her completely if he saw her, so he thought it would be better if he left before Danielle – her, maybe ‘Healer Kettleburn’ was the more appropriate title, considering she was his best friends primary care taker while he was laying unconscious in Mungo’s.

God, he still couldn’t believe she was back. His head hurt at the mere thought of seeing her again, and the anger, the frustration and anxiety he had been feeling all week because of what has happened to Jonas was sure to surface and reach a boiling point the moment those blue eyes set sight on a blonde he knew so many years ago; a blonde he had loved - or, he thought he loved her. They were just kids, when they had been together…but he knew whatever it was he felt for her was strong, and it was real, and he knew he didn’t know what to do with himself for such a long time when she just vanished one day. She had the decency to at least let him know she was going to Colombia, but never said when. He found that out on his own when he went to try and see her at her home, only to have the news broken to him by her parents.

5 years had come and gone, and Donovan had…changed, over the years. Not really for the better, but it wasn’t for the worse, either. He was just different – less trusting, less open in any relationships he had been in after she was gone. Some part of him always thought that they were just going to leave, just like she did, if he let himself grow too attached, so he never did. It was this change in his behavior that finally made his parents decide they were sick of waiting for him to settle down on his own, because he probably never would at that rate. It was after waiting 5 years for him to marry and have an heir that they matched him up with Cecilia Hooke.

She did make him happy, and he did care for her after spending so much time with her, but in all honesty they were both more damaged because of past relationships than either of them wanted to admit. She was hurt by Evan, a man she had loved who had been a servant to the Dark Lord and killed in action, and Donovan by Danielle, a woman he had loved who might as well have been dead, in his eyes.

Thoughts of the 17 year old girl who had left a hole in his chest the day she had left carried with him down the hallway of Mungo’s, slow strides taking him closer to the elevator, his thumbs hooked into the pockets of the jeans he was wearing. His finger was extended to press the button down to the main floor, but just as it lit up, the doors opened.

Of course the first person he saw when they opened was the one person he was trying so desperately and foolishly to avoid. They were bound to run into each other eventually, considering she was taking care of Jonas during his stay at Mungo’s, but he definitely didn’t want it to be now – he didn’t want it to be today, when he had only just found out she was back, and he sure as hell didn’t want her to look even better than she had back in Hogwarts.

It just gave him another reason to resent her.

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curador
2010-07-14 02:23 am UTC (link)

There had been many...reasons and factors that had played into Danielle's decision to accept the chance to go to Colombia to study medicine and help the less fortunate. She had wanted to be a healer since she was five years old, when her father had brought home a blood-sucking bugbear that managed to get loose and...well, suck her blood. It wasn't a fun experience, and she still had the scars on her thigh about it, and Danielle had made it a point to figure out how to fix all the messes her father put her and himself in. What better way to learn how to heal a surprise injury than to head out into the jungles and live day to day, not knowing what was coming next?

That had been the first, true reason why she'd left. Danielle had talked about doing this healer program for ages, just to travel and get away from the annoyance that was having her father as a Hogwarts professor and an embarrassing one at that. She'd thought Donovan had understood, and as she stared at the numbers of the lift she accepted that he had, but---she shook her head. There had been too much stress coming from her parents, his parents, life in general, she was not going to look back and wish to have done things differently because she couldn't.

When the doors of the lift opened, Danielle blinked a few times as she focused on Donovan. Oh. She dropped her eyes to the floor, knowing that they were going to fight when she would really rather not. Danielle was very good at letting the past be the past, but she felt obligated (after seeing how upset he'd become in the journals) to speak with Donovan about whatever he'd want to speak about.

Her hand went out to stop the doors of the lift from closing, "It'll start yelling at me in a moment if you don't get in," she said, a solemn smile twitching onto her face.

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impulse
2010-07-14 02:46 am UTC (link)

Seeing her hadn’t caused that immediate anger he thought it would, but had actually been a bit of a shock to the system for the few moments they had maintained eye contact, but as soon as those denim-blue eyes dropped away from his, he could feel the muscles of his jaw tighten, a brow arching upwards as she started speaking. Part of him was tempted to tell her he’d rather just take the stairs, but then he remembered, again, that it was pointless. He didn’t want to act like a child. He wanted to be able to let this roll his shoulders as easily as she seemed to.

Maybe that was what pissed him off the most – she didn’t even seem to feel any remorse about how she had ended things. It was all about her career, wasn’t it? And there she was, standing before him as a certified healer. The bitter thought that he would have been so happy for her, he would have been proud of her crossed his mind for a split moment – a thought that would likely return again at some point, but was pushed to the back of his mind as he let out a nasal sigh, cleared his throat quietly and then stepped forward into the elevator. He reached forward for the lobby, and then stepped back in order to lean into the corner of the small metal box – back against the wall behind them with his shoulder pressing against the right side.

He knew standing there in silence was completely going against the ‘not acting like a child’ pact he had made with himself in his head, but he knew his silent fury was better than even trying to make civilized conversation with her, knowing it would just backfire. Maybe it came from being a lawyer for so many years, but he did know how to control his temper, when it mattered…although this wasn’t just any every day situation he was in. He wasn’t built to forgive and forget, and just act like nothing had ever happened, so he just…stood there, his eyes staring ahead at the glowing buttons they had both pressed before they traveled upwards, watching as the numbers changed so slowly - usually the elevator rides were quick, but right now he felt like they were moving slower than molasses.

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curador
2010-07-14 02:58 am UTC (link)

This was why she hadn't contacted him. This was why, and Danielle knew that he knew he would be behaving this way, so why had he gotten mad at her? Did he want to fight and get angry over something that had happened five years ago? Danielle knew that it wasn't just a little tiff, that she'd ended their nearly five year long relationship from one day to the next, but---She blinked again as she realized she'd gone without seeing Donovan for nearly as long as she'd been his girlfriend.

Danielle wanted to be able to think that she had completely found closure on the matter, that she hadn't thought about him or her decision to leave, but she couldn't. She also didn't see any reason to bring it up because it wasn't going to change anything. She had still been in Colombia for five years, and he had been here, becoming successful and moving on. The thought hurt more than it should have and with a quick step forward Danielle reached for the emergency stop lever of the lift.

They jolted to a halt and she knew that they didn't have long before a maintenance worker came to see if something had gone wrong with the spells. She knew that healers did this all the time when having anxiety attacks or needed a few more minutes to prepare before breaking terrible news to families of patients who had passed. It was later at night, so the lifts wouldn't be too busy, but she didn't know for sure...

"I'm sorry I didn't reach out to you when I came back," she said, turning to face Donovan. Danielle couldn't look him in the eye, however, and took a breath, "I didn't think you would want to talk to me, so I--kept myself from contacting you."

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impulse
2010-07-14 03:26 am UTC (link)

They were obviously on completely different wave-lengths about all the events that had built up all the tension that he was currently suppressing in the middle of the Mungo’s elevator – or rather, the complete lack of events that had occurred over the last 5 years when it came to the two of them. She didn’t know the true effect her leaving had on him – she thought he was just pissed off, that he was just angry, but he felt much more than that. He felt betrayed, he felt abandoned - or, he had.

She really had no idea…and he knew that she thought she did, but she didn’t know the half of it.

As soon as she stepped forward, he knew exactly what she was going to do, which resulted in his eyes closing and his head tipping back, the crown of his head resting on the wall behind him. Intense and fierce blue eyes, rimmed with silver with a burst of gray right around his pupil, were exposed as lashes parted, staring up at the ceiling of the metal box. One of his hands went to rub at the faint stubble that had grown along his jaw (it had been a rough week or so, he hadn’t even thought much about his appearance), his Adams apple bobbing as he swallowed, right before letting out a scoffing laugh, at her apology.

“…that’s what you’re apologizing for…?”

His voice was low – audible, but low, and unmistakably tense. She was sorry for not contacting him when she got back? What about for everything else? What about that?! He lifted his head, and finally turned to be the first one to make eye contact again. One thing that had always been true about Donovan was that he didn’t look like someone who was easily approachable – he looked…dark – he looked like the stereotypical ‘pureblood’ who scowled at the world, and shunned everyone who wasn’t of the same blood status, but he could also look like a wounded puppy when his defenses were down and he was feeling vulnerable.

Right now? She was caught in a small space with a full grown pitbull, who might as well have been bearing his teeth at her from his spot on the floor.

“The only reason I’m talking to you now is because you helped Jonas, and there isn't any possible way for me to avoid you, unless I stay out of that ward...and that's not going to happen.”

He turned his head again, reaching out to pull the brake on the elevator, hoping she wouldn't stop it again...but if she was the same as she had been when they were together, when he knew her, she probably would.

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curador
2010-07-14 03:47 am UTC (link)

Her hand jolted out to stop him from reaching the brake, nearly smacking him away. But Danielle managed to control the reflex and instead just grabbed hold of Donovan's wrist before dropping it immediately. It would be much easier to just let him go and never see him again, but...she did want to be his friend again, now that she was back home it was much harder to ignore that Donovan had been a very important part of her life, and now that he was right here Danielle wished she could manage to say something other than a sorry excuse as to why she hadn't contacted him.

But he was angry at her! And she knew he would be! So why had he---Danielle had to stop playing herself. He wasn't only mad about her not contacting him, though she should have, though really she'd barely told anyone that she was back outside of Allison and---He shouldn't feel that left out and----Danielle put a hand to her head and shut her eyes.

"I don't know what you want me to say, Donovan!" she let out, not loudly, but in a frustrated tone that indicated she really did want him to accept her apology. To her, there was nothing she could say that could mend the pain she'd obviously put him through five years ago, so why try and say anything? It could only make things worse, they were never going to get better. He was never going to love her again, and she didn't know if she wanted him to. "I can't change anything, so I---I don't know what to say."

It sounded so lame, everything that came out of her mouth sounded so lame and ridiculous. Danielle dropped her hands to her side, ready for him to reach for the brake again and let him start the lift. She didn't want him to hate her, and he did--there were so many things that she could have done to prevent it, but seeing Donovan now made Danielle realize how much it really had hurt to leave him behind.

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impulse
2010-07-14 04:08 am UTC (link)

His fingers curled into a tight fist and flexed as his hand dropped down at his side, the skin at his wrist where her hand had been felt like it had just been burned as he so desperately tried not to let that 17 year old wounded boy take over the conversation. He had forgotten about that pathetic soul for such a long time, and now, now, when Jonas was so seriously injured and his entire world was already flipped upside down because he still hadn’t woken up – he wasn’t pulling through, he wasn’t getting better - that was when she had to come back into his life. True, she was the reason he now had a fighting chance, but…why did it have to be her? Why couldn’t someone else have been there to save him?

And then she had to keep talking, his eyes narrowing at her before he finally leaned in towards her to make his next point.

“I don’t want you to say a damn thing.”

The words were practically spat at her, straightening up as he controlled his breathing, which was heavier now because of his mood.

“You had 5 years to say something, anything, and you didn’t. I didn’t even know you were gone until I went to see you and you just weren’t there. Your parents had to tell me you had already left – you couldn’t even say good-bye, so why would I want to hear anything you have to say now?”

He turned, thinking he was done before he had to turn around again to continue – now that the dam had been broken, it wouldn’t be too much longer before everything came rushing through, and he didn’t want it to.

“I would have loved thinking you were still gone, Danielle – I would have loved not having to be told that one of my best mates was in your ‘good hands’, because I would love for him to not be here at all. I don’t know what I would have said, if you had tried to contact me when you finally decided to come back – you’re right in assuming I wouldn’t want to talk to you, but you know I would have. If you think that you springing your sudden reappearance on me is why I’m angry right now, you’ve really gone round the fucking bend.” He paused, his head shaking. “It’s never what you do, Danni…it’s always how you do it.”

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curador
2010-07-14 11:07 am UTC (link)

Slowly, as he berated her, Danielle began to piece together why she'd done the things she had. She'd understood immediately why she had not contacted Donovan, and now she was getting a clear, solid answer as to why she hadn't owled or anything of the sort during her five years in Colombia. He didn't want her to say anything, he said, and now that she was forming a clear response in her head she felt more and more terrible. About the entire situation and about finally understanding and accepting why she'd cut herself off from her life in England. Danielle hated being unable to voice her side of discussions, arguments, but she hated being in the fights even more.

Did she want him to forgive her? Danielle had come back to England believing that she would be fine not speaking to Donovan ever again, or that if they did run into each other, she could be an adult and have a civil conversation and move on. She had tried that, but it was clear that the pain she had put him through was still very strong and she hadn't been expecting that. What had she been thinking? Danielle was surprised he wasn't married, she was surprised that he didn't have a child already or---she had thought he would have had the happy life she'd pictured for him in Colombia. Who knew, though? She'd barely spoken to him, and the few words he'd sent to her had been filled with venom.

But she didn't believe that he could possibly be in a relationship of any importance if he still managed to be this angry with her.

"It's---" why was she still talking? Her mouth shut for a moment as she remembered that he had no desire to hear her side of the story, but she couldn't help herself. Not when he was acting so passionately, "It's terrifying to think about how mad the person you love is--at you," she said with a shaky voice, "I was--terrified of having you hate me, and I--couldn't bear with it so--I didn't---"

Danielle pushed her hands to her face to wipe away any tears; she shouldn't be crying, she was the one that had left and ended everything they had without a word. She didn't want to try and play the victim because she knew this was her fault, Donovan had done nothing wrong, he'd only been the boy she'd loved for so very long,

"Please don't hate me, you could--never speak to me again but please don't hate me." Danielle sucked in a breath straightened her shoulders, ready for him to dismiss her request and meek explanation.

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impulse
2010-07-14 03:45 pm UTC (link)

The monosyllabic way she started with her inevitable response left him standing there, staring down into those sapphire blues – the same set he had stared into so many times in the past, but so very differently. He used to look at her like she was the God damn world, and he felt so incredibly idiot for it, now – just another reason to add onto why he was acting the way he was: she made him feel stupid. She made him feel pathetic, and Donovan Rookwood was far from either…or so he wanted to believe.

Why had he fallen so hard for her? He cursed her so many times after she left, hoping at first that maybe he’d hear from her – maybe he’d get an owl, or maybe she would come back, even for just a day, just to give him some sort of closure. But, she didn’t. 6 months went by, and then a year, and then 2, and…time kept passing by, and at some point during all of this, he had just given up. He had stopped hoping for something that clearly wasn’t going to happen, and at some point, he woke up not thinking about her, and stopped thinking about her ever since. Whatever photographs he had of the two of them were stored away, and he had cut her out of his life, just like she had with him.

It just seemed so much easier for her…and now that they were standing in such close quarters, and she was telling him how she feared contacting him because of how angry she knew he’d be, and seeing her cry-…

Damn it, why did she have to cry? He had so many ‘why’ questions going on in his head as he watched her sputter out what she wanted to say, pleading with him not to hate her. He stood there in silence for a good couple of moments, the muscles of his jaw tightening again as he braced himself.

“Do you have any idea what it was like?”

He hesitated for a moment before continuing; explaining. His voice was low again, but much softer. He still looked angry, but as he continued, that grown, savage dog’s ears started to droop, his tail basically between his legs as he explained all the reasons why he felt he had every reason to hate her – at least a little. “We talked, so many times, about how you were going to Colombia…and of course I didn’t want you to. I didn’t want to lose you, I didn’t want you to not be here…but I was only 17. I wasn’t thinking about your future, I wasn’t thinking about what you wanted…and your solution to that was to just go. I tried, so hard, to pick up a quill and write to you, but I was too stubborn…I couldn’t find the words to say to you, other than ‘come back’; I thought you should be the one to write to me, to at least explain why you didn’t say good-bye, why you didn’t at least give me that much. We were together for 5 years, Danni – and for those 5 years, I had to listen to my parents tell me how you weren’t good enough, how I was wasting my time, how you weren’t, and I quote, worthy…but each time, I defended you. Each bloody time I’d hear them say something about you, about my halfblood girlfriend, I defended you…”

By now, he looked so much like that 17 year old boy back at Hogwarts and not a thing like the 22 year old lawyer he had worked so hard to become.

“Do you have any idea what it was like…listening to them tell me, over and over again, how right they were? How I had wasted my time on you, and how you were never coming back – something I so foolishly denied for such a long time…and then you didn’t, and reality became so crystal clear.” He swallowed roughly. “It wasn’t easy…it wasn’t ever easy for me, but you were worth it…or, I thought you were.”

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curador
2010-07-14 04:12 pm UTC (link)

It seemed like this entire conversation was going backwards. They were initially angry because she hadn't announced her return, she finally explained why she hadn't contacted him over the years, and now Donovan was reminding her why she had left in the first place. Danielle felt increasingly terrible for all the stress he'd been under from his parents, but her mother had always told her to do what was best for her, that if---Danielle clenched her fists by her side, trying to keep her composure; she was not used to showing this much emotion, only bloody Donovan made her like this, ever. All his friends thought she was weird because of how stoic she seemed to be all the time but he knew---

"I wouldn't have left!" she finally admitted, feeling terribly stupid for it. Danielle would pass out before she let any more tears fall so she forced herself to stare at the top clasp of his cloak to hopefully keep herself from losing all the sense she had, "If I had told you I'd bought my ticket, if I had gone to you and told you that I was going to go even though you didn't want me to and I saw you and I saw your face I---would not have gone, and I needed to, I----"

Her hands went up, still balled into fists but they pressed against her mouth. Danielle was nearly shaking at how completely stressed out she had found herself within the span of five minutes, and all because of this man. "I needed to go, and when I did I was too scared to see how much you hated me for leaving because I would've----that would have killed me and----"

Finally her hand forced itself up to her face and Danielle covered her eyes, her other hand pressing hard against her waist to try and keep her strength. She had been avoiding this subject for five years, managing to keep it submerged deep within her mind whenever anyone asked her if she had family or a special someone back home. It had always hurt, but she'd been able to push it away, and now it was all bursting out of her chest and killing her.

"I wouldn't have gone, I made the choice but---" She shook her head, hand still covering her eyes because she couldn't look at him, "I regretted it the second I got there, I just---couldn't-"

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impulse
2010-07-14 11:56 pm UTC (link)

Her sudden exclamation caused his brows to furrow, lips pursed as he listened to the explanation that followed. He really wished it would have caused him some comfort, but it really didn’t – not the slightest bit. What she was basically telling him, or how he was interpreting this, was that he would have been the one to hold her back from fulfilling her dreams – that if she had been to see him, she wouldn’t have been able to say good bye, and she would have stayed, and she would have been miserable; she was also telling him that even if she did leave after saying good-bye to him, she still would have been miserable. She took the easy way out. She didn’t want to suffer, so she ran away from everything she couldn’t face, and left him to deal with everything on his own.

“Is that supposed to make it alright? Telling me you regretted it?”

He looked away from her, staring down at the floor of the elevator, his teeth clenching together as he raised a hand to push back through thick locks of chestnut. He was trying to gather his thoughts, but between all the work he had been given these last couple of weeks and stressing about Jonas, and all the other day-to-day issues he had to deal with, this wasn’t what he needed right now.

“I never would have wanted to be the one you held responsible for never achieving your dream. I never would have wanted to be the one who held you back, the one you blamed for that…but I never would have wanted you to feel trapped, either.” He looked back up at her. “Maybe you wouldn’t have gone if you had come to say good-bye, but that’s no one’s fault but your own. I wouldn’t have ever made you stay…but you never even gave me the chance to let you go.” He swallowed roughly and looked away with it.

“There’s no going back. This,” he was referring to her career, why she had gone to Colombia in the first place “was what you’ve always wanted…more than anything, you wanted to make something of yourself…and now, you have. Clearly you made the right decision.”

It was then that he pushed the button to make the elevator move again, turning to face the doors again.

“So congratulations.”

As the last syllable spilled from his lips, the doors finally parted and he was able to step out of the incredibly small box they had both been trapped in – so small that it felt like he was about to suffocate, like the walls were moving in on the both of them, and he could barely breath.

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