Who: Caradoc Dearborn and Emmeline Vance
What: Caradoc returns with bad news and a tough decision.
Where: Emmeline's flat
When: Early this morning



He had been sitting in Emmeline's room for... just about an hour, now, with his wand resting in his lap. She was asleep, as she should be when nearing three in the morning, and hadn't awoken when he had come in; he had done this enough to make sure to be quiet enough so he would disrupt her. That had been his plan, of course. It was simple: slip in when no one would know (an invisibility cloak helped with that), while she was still sleeping. Then leave after everything had been done to sew up what little was left of his humanity. And it had worked, he had made it to a point where he had determined that, while his mind seemed to shake at what he was about to do, this had to be done. It had been set, he had made up his mind--- until she had turned over in her sheets, exposing her face directly to him.

Yes, that had definitely been enough to stop him.

Outside, he had been able to convince himself that this would just have to be looked at as another--- order. Just another tiresome assignment that he needed to take care of efficiently for the greater picture, or face the steep consequences. And up until now, that way of looking at it had worked for him. Caradoc had barely felt any form of guilt while dealing with these tasks. But now? Ha, ha, now it felt like every single incident had caught up with him, crushing his chest.

It seemed as if the familiarity of the room, while still covered in darkness, nearly consumed him. Everything pained him. And it was all his fault, every emotion coursing through him, fighting; he could have prevented it. That thought alone kept him where he sat, eyes locked with the ground. Caradoc had known that this was coming (how could he not?), and yet he let himself get caught up in-- everything. All over again. It was stupid, how could he have been so stupid?

He had thought about a lot over the past couple of days, becoming especially desperate during the last few hours. There was no way out, nothing that could be said or done to stop this. When it boiled down, it came to either him, or her. It was as simple as that, and no complex plan or trick could make that ultimatum go away. And... he couldn't do it. Why was it so hard for him to choose himself? It shouldn't be-- it didn't use to be.

"Emmeline," he whispered hoarsely, both hands gripping the edges of the chair. Caradoc stayed in his position, elbows glued to the arms of the chair and body stiff straight.

She had not seen her boyfriend in the new decade. That's all Emmeline could think about for the past few days, since Caradoc had disappeared into what she could only guess was one of his random...disappearances. What else could she call them? He'd done it before, leaving without a trace, only to return days later without a word of where he'd been, what he'd been doing, or any indication that he'd even left. What was silly was that she was used to it, that she knew it was fruitless to be mad or upset about it. That seemed to be the case with a lot of things about their relationship, that at the end of the day anything that might be found annoying and irritating was usually put into a logical perspective and forgiven. Caradoc Dearborn had quite the knack for persuasion.

But--he'd never done it around a special occasion. Even if he didn't find it to be one, Emmeline knew that he wouldn't vanish around some the time of something she found important, and New Year's definitely ranked high on her mental checklist of things he must escort her to. Being dragged to a party by Frank was not how she'd pictured bringing in the new decade, but with each passing day that Caradoc didn't appear she grew more and more concerned and couldn't be phased by the noise makers and confetti.

It didn't help that the rest of the Order didn't seem to care much. Emmeline knew it would have to be more than a week to have her concerns be taken seriously, and was growing increasingly twitchy as the deadline approached. They didn't know that he had to listen to Voldemort's every beck and call, they didn't have to sit around and wonder if he was one of the cloaked figures they were attacking and--

Emmeline jumped in her sleep at the sound of her name, and sat up looking frazzled and bewildered. Her eyes darted around in the darkness, not able to adjust to the lack of light, but finally she spotted the figure and her heart leaped with joy at the sight of Caradoc.

"Caradoc," she said, voice cracking with sleep, "You--happy new year," she muttered, pushing off the covers to slip off the end of the bed. "You should--what's---" He'd come into her flat in the dark of night many times (the thought made her blush) and had never hesitated to make himself comfortable, so seeing him sitting there was confusing, "What happened?"

His shoulder's tensed back at the sound of her voice, and Caradoc made no heed to explain what was happening. Not seeing her face helped; he was not seeking to look at her, but nonetheless welcomed anything that would make this more impersonal. He did not move to her, nor did he want to move from where he was sitting.

Because getting up meant that things had to go into action, and Caradoc wanted for everything to stay like it was right now, for a very long time.

But of course they couldn't. He heaved a deep sigh and his feet began to tap against the floor quickly, squishing his invisibility cloak with his toes every time. He was coming to terms with everything right now, he surprisingly enough, he was calm about it. It's done, the game's over: he couldn't kill her, therefore making it impossible to turn back now. So... there was no avoiding it any longer. Things had been crystal clear from the beginning. There was no more confusion, or misunderstandings; he had just decided to avoid it for too long, and now---

"I'm going to go see Dumbledore," he answered in such a placid way that it seemed unnatural. Which, he felt at this point. The past few days had become a blur, one sliding into the next until he had found himself sitting here, deciding what to tell her or not. Though honestly, it really didn't fucking matter anymore. "---because I need help." That was pitiful. Caradoc's head began to shake as his legs suddenly came to life. They had decided for him that it was time to move, time for action.

Holy shit.

"I thought I could handle it--- take care of it," Caradoc continued, his face twisting for a moment before slowly standing up. He had to look at her, he had to-- but he wanted nothing more than to not. It honestly was the strangest feeling, or at least one of the many he had felt all week. "But I couldn't." His mouth pulled back to form a small, mocking smile.

"Alert the prophet."

Mass confusion was the only way to describe her mindset at the moment. Emmeline stared at Caradoc, following him from his seated position to standing and--this didn't make any sense. Her eyes had widened greatly when Caradoc admitted he needed help, because that did not happen. Ever. Her still somewhat asleep mind could maybe be a factor in all of this confusion, but Emmeline was slowly dissecting his words and coming to one conclusion in the darkness of her room.

He was in trouble. Caradoc was in trouble, Caradoc's in---red lights started to go off in her head and Emmeline stood, still feeling the dizziness of sleep swirl around her and nearly knock her off balance. That also could have been the fact that she got up too quickly, but that was neither here nor there.

"What do we need to do," she let out breathlessly, wondering how she'd managed to become so panicked so quickly. Emmeline crossed over to her dresser to grab a hair tie, to find her cloak, her shoes, everything---she had no idea what was going on but if Caradoc was in trouble, then--then she needed to make sure he got out of it as quickly and painlessly as possible.

What could have possibly happened? Caradoc had been in trouble before, but never to the extent of reaching out to Dumbledore---or at least, that she knew of. And that scared her, even more, that he was coming to her and telling her this, admitting that he needed help and--Emmeline's heart thudded even faster and she turned to him, stepping closer and moving faster with each step,

"Caradoc--what happened?"

We. Caradoc stopped, his back to Emmeline as she busied herself with something on the opposite side of the room. He mulled the word over, as if letting the outsides of his mind try and find some new light in it for a few rare seconds of hope. But... no, no we. There definitely wasn't a 'we' in this anymore. 'We' was what had gotten him in trouble in the first place, so there was no reason to continue it now. She couldn't help him, and he didn't want her to. The only way she could help would be by dying, and--- he couldn't even do that.

He couldn't even--- Caradoc pulled his face back tightly, and pushed his hand forcefully onto the wall. Even if---- he didn't know what to do. That was the problem. He had disappeared and holed himself away for nearly a week, convinced that his usual seclusion would bring light and an answer to this problem, as always. But... nothing. Nothing had happened, he hadn't come up with anything; completely empty handed. The pensieve had hurt more than helped him, leaving him... here.

His hand slid down and away from the wall slowly to rest at his side. Well. "I can't see you anymore," Caradoc mumbled suddenly, eyes on the ground with his back still to her. That was a start. But he needed to coax himself further away from her or--- something. "Ever." He began to nod his head slowly, forming what he was about to say next in his head. Yes, this was the way to start.

Finally, he turned to her, not surprised to find that Emmeline was much closer to him now. Caradoc looked in straight in the eyes, leaving no room for her to mistake what he was saying for anything but what it was. "I don't want to," he stated strongly, looking at her straight on. He crossed his arms defensively across his chest, and took a step back from her as he shook his head.

When your boyfriend made the clear and to the point statement of never wanting to see you again, it should be tear-inducing and cause your heart to pound through your chest and burst. It should, but it didn't, it did the exact opposite. Emmeline froze, staring up at Caradoc with her eyebrows knotting together in confusion and question. What? Ah--no, see. He wasn't allowed to tell her that he was in trouble and then not let her do anything about it. She wasn't useless, she'd been a part of the Order just as long as he had been and---ever?

Okay, so maybe she hadn't reacted like she should've in the first place, but it was starting to hit her that this wasn't---she didn't know what she thought it was, it wasn't a joke, it wasn't a game. Emmeline was used to dealing with death eaters and war and fighting, but in all of the madness she'd found herself finding a kind of normalcy with Caradoc (as normal as you could be, and Merlin knew he made it hard) and---ever?

Emmeline looked away, trying to regain some of the composure she'd just lost. Okay. Well. This absolutely had to do with whatever trouble he was in, and--and after the trouble was figured out, then--this would all be fine. Did he have to say it so---they weren't something you just ended, right? Was she insane for thinking that? Or---no, no this was just for now, and he was being mean because Caradoc was---mean. She straightened her shoulders, taking in a shaky breath and looking back up at him. Oh, how she hoped he read her every bloody thought on this matter.

"Is that it, then?"

His jaw hung for a second, completely prepared for a different reaction than what Emmeline had given him. She... had believed him. Very easily, in fact. That was... good, then. He supposed. But the sharp pang in his chest unsettled his logical mind's process. Surely... she could not have truly believed that she was as unimportant to him as he was treating her now. Caradoc had assumed she would have seen this statement as falsehood, and discarded it. How could she think that she was that meaningless to him? Was this what she--- ah. His face twisted agonizingly for a few moments, glad once again for the dark cover. He understood, then.

"Yes," Caradoc muttered miserably, and took another step back. His kept hands stayed firmly at his sides, but his body sagged slight now where he stood. This was just getting worse and worse, wasn't it? Caradoc was quite sure he had never felt like the way he did right now in his entire life thus far. Which, but the looks of it, wouldn't be much longer. So... yes, he could say in his entire life.

He longed to touch her, to hold Emmeline's face and feel the warmth of her skin against his. Because then--- but he couldn't. Caradoc quickly stopped himself from getting carried away. He should at least be able to accomplish something tonight. So, again regaining himself, Caradoc forced himself to stand up straighter and continue inching back toward the door. He felt his hand brush up against the door frame, and stopped.

"Be ready to leave in the morning," he said in the same previous cold tone. Bending down, Caradoc reached for his cloak, only standing back up straight once it was in his arms. "Someone will come to pick you up." She would be safe here through the night--- the only person Emmeline actually needed to worry about was him, and he certainly wasn't coming back.

He was leaving? He was really leaving? Emmeline turned and watched Caradoc go, and she couldn't stop the shaky breath that erupted from her throat. He was really leaving! He wasn't allowed to leave, who gave him permission to leave? What the fuck had happened that he was actually leaving and---and breaking up with her and---

----oh.

Emmeline felt her heart drop into her stomach and she nearly threw up. He was stopping the 'charade' they had going on with the death eaters, so--that was it, wasn't it? Right? That had to be---unless...but what else! He was happy with her, wasn't he? Emmeline thought so, no one was that good of an actor, so--he was stopping it, he never--she hadn't done anything wrong, had she? No, no, he can't see her anymore, which meant---that meant he wanted to, but couldn't, right? Right--who was she asking? Herself? Who did she think was going to respond in the silence of her head because he was leaving and Caradoc Dearborn could not leave her and--

"I fancy you," she blurted, flushing deeply, "--still, always, I--" Emmeline shut her mouth, trying to figure out what--just what she could do and she couldn't, there wasn't anything she could do when it dealt with death eaters and their rules and---even if--he couldn't see her anymore, he couldn't and that meant--what----"Just---just so you know."

She abruptly sat down in the seat he'd just occupied, feeling ridiculous and empty at the same time. How she could even manage to feel anything was beyond her, but Emmeline's shoulders sagged as she stared at his back. He was still going to leave, she knew.

He wasn't far enough away from her to act like he hadn't heard that. Though he wished he was--- oh, Caradoc couldn't wish for anything more than that he hadn't heard what Emmeline had said. He would have given up a lot to make it possible to leave right now--- but no, she had gone and made it as difficult as it possibly could ever be, and keeping him t here. Caradoc was fully aware she had never said that to him before (he had never to her), so hearing it out loud was... she was forcing him to stay.

He-- he-- his empty hand went to his face, and pressed hard into it. This--- all of this--- shouldn't be this hard. Why did everything have to be so challenging? So unnecessarily painstaking. Why was everything in his life so, so--- why-- why? Couldn't one simple thing come easy? Why did people always over complicate everything? Wasn't his obvious pain enough for her? Apparently, Emmeline was ready for him to push her even farther.

"Don't say that," he whispered fiercely, his body as tense as it ever would be. She could never just let him go, could she? For once, for the life of her, he wished she would. "You have no clue what you're talking about." Caradoc's hands balled together suddenly, and he felt a sudden rage surge through him. This... had to end. His chest felt sick, his head swam with uncertainty, and Caradoc wanted nothing more for everything to just stop.

"I'm not this--- great person that.... you see me to be. I know what you think of me, and it's not realistic. You cannot glorify me anymore--- I am not that person. I can never become... or be what you need in the end. You must understand that."

Oh--he didn't leave. Emmeline felt a rush of heat push through her and she stood, but immediately stopped to listen to him and--Emmeline let out a short, sardonic laugh.

"You break up with me and think---" Her mouth pursed shut again and she started forward, hands up in front of her because she didn't know what else to do with them. She had just wanted him to know, she had needed him to know in that moment, because the panic he struck in her at actually heading toward the door had completely consumed her. She had to tell him, she had to let him know and even if it was really only the tip of the damn ice berg. "You're a bloody terrible boyfriend most days."

Emmeline looked away, eyes having become adjusted to the dark, a small smirk on her face as she stopped just an arms length away, "You're a pretty terrible person most days, to be honest, but--you can't say that I don't know you, Caradoc, that I don't---know you. And..." what on earth was she doing? He was leaving, he was in trouble, and all she could do was ramble on so that he didn't think she was some starry-eyed girl because--he did know that, didn't he?

"You're not a great person, but I'm not either and--you--you've always let me know that without being completely cruel and---" Emmeline put her hand to her forehead, unsure of how to really say everything and she felt rushed because he was nearly down the hallway now and almost out the door, "Just---don't belittle me with that---nonsense."

Fucking hell---now, now she felt desperate. What could she say to make him turn around? There was--nothing, there was nothing she could say to get him to stay and look at her and---nothing. Emmeline let out a breath, shoulders dropping in defeat.

His hands flexed out, and Caradoc stopped where he stood in the middle of the hallway. She was relatively close to him now, but not within relative arms length. Which he supposed was better, seeing as he would now soon have to turn to her. He dropped his invisibility cloak to the ground, knowing he would no longer would need it for now. Caradoc began to speak quietly, and as he did, once again flitted his wand into his hands.

"Do you know why I would come here in the middle of the night most of the time, Emmeline?" Caradoc felt his hand give a small twitch at the sound of her name out loud (as he had been trying to avoid saying it) in the open, but continued smoothly. "So it would be easy. So when it came time... for them to tell me to kill you, that part would be the easiest. You wouldn't have found that to be something abnormal, seeing me standing there, would you?" Caradoc paused for a moment, his wand now sliding through his fingers as he held in front of him. He let out a short, mocking laugh.

"You would almost never wake up until I woke you up, anyway. I would walk in, and you would still be asleep." His head lowered to the ground even more, and Caradoc felt the pang in his chest spread even farther through his body. An uncontrollable frown forced its way onto his lips, and he slowly began to turn to her.

"But why wouldn't you wake up? That always bothered me, how I would be able to stand there and.... then, when you knew it was me, you would seem-- become such at ease. As if you didn't know that I wasn't this person that--- had killed people who I don't even care to remember their faces, or honestly even care--- I didn't care. But you didn't---"

Caradoc stopped once he turned to her, now visibly opposite to the emotions he was speaking out. His face was numb as it would ever be. "Why weren't you ever afraid? You were never afraid, and now--- don't you understand? You should have never trusted me."

He waved his wand carelessly at her as if it was an extension to his arm. "And now you do."

He was honestly breaking her heart. Emmeline had felt that sadness before, she couldn't dare deny that, but this. It took every last ounce of strength for her not to crumple in tears and completely lose her mind. The past ten minutes made absolute sense now, and Emmeline stood with her chest heaving and her body stock stiff. Caradoc had come here, tonight, under the order to kill her, that was what all of this had come to. Emmeline tried to capture the full intensity of the matter, but all she could do was watch his wand move back and forth.

No--Emmeline looked up at Caradoc through her stinging eyes, face pulling back into a deep frown. She should've let him leave, she should've just let him leave because at the end of the day (or the bloody sunrise, it seemed) Emmeline had been the idiot and she'd been the one that caught herself in yet another bloody trap. And this time Caradoc wasn't going to save her, he was actually who she should be running from.

Except her body wouldn't move, and some insane, irrationally, completely fucking devoted part of her brain kept yelling at her that he wouldn't. He couldn't, he would've done it before---he wouldn't have bothered to tell her if he really would---

Emmeline sucked in a shattering breath as she took a step back, keeping her hands by her side as a few tears fell, "Get out---get out!" Even as she moved back toward her room where her wand and some sort of chance of--even as she backed away from Caradoc, who had seemingly lost all sense at the moment, she still believed he would stop and grin and laugh at her for falling for it and----

No--Emmeline pushed into her room and found her wand, and she should leave, but she couldn't, she couldn't force herself to leave--him and her hands couldn't reach up to her face to stop the tears.

Caradoc felt his body drop as she stumbled back toward her room. Now... she understood, at least, or she believed she understood. At this point, he could really care less what she honestly thought--- of him, or anything for that matter, because it wasn't important. He would do whatever it would take to get them--- her, through this. He was capable of at the least putting some things into place before everything hit the ceiling.

So---- Caradoc bent down swiftly to pick up his cloak. He couldn't waste anymore more time than he already had. It wasn't apparent whether she would come stumbling back into the hall, though for her sake he hopped Emmeline wouldn't. A somber sigh escaped his lips, and Caradoc wistfully waited for just a few more moments. Perhaps... no. That was the best of a goodbye they were going to get.

Well. Without a second glance back, Caradoc threw his cloak over himself and disappeared. The thought of what he should finally say was at the tip of his tongue once he reached the door, but against his better judgement, he decided against it. This was... over.