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Wade Wilson ([info]mercwithamouth) wrote in [info]marvel_nextgen,
@ 2010-04-28 15:55:00


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Entry tags:crosshairs, npc - deadpool

THERE GOES THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD!
Ever since extracting himself from that god forsaken shipping box, Deadpool has been on a string of hot dates with ugly dudes.  They've all died with beautiful bloodflowers blooming from their heads and chests, but that doesn't matter!  Deadpool is bored.  He needs a challenge.  He needs... a taco!  Now the whole story leading up to how Deadpool got to where he could even access tacos is a long and drawn out affair and in all honesty it's actually really boring.  In fact, I even told Deadpool that there were no tacos in Somalia, but he didn't believe me..  Oooooooh no!

Oh, and who am I?  Well - I'm Wade's third personality.  

ANYWAYS, Wade was totally bummed out when he got to Somalia and realized that there are no tacos there.  The idiot wandered around for a few days, marveling at the sights and sounds.  The mercenary bazaar was one of the best we've seen on years!  Seriously!  You should see the rocket launcher we picked up...

Of course, all good things must come to an end, and some of those pesky pirates decided that they wanted our rocket launcher. So. As I'm sure you can imagine, things got a bit nasty.

Deadpool is, at this current moment, standing on the bough of the ship, eying the midnight water just over the side. The pirates somehow managed to gang up on him, and have subdued the insane man with no less than 20 ft of rope and several heavy chains.

"Guys? Seriously - I don't know how to swim and it's just going to be really annoying if you make me walk the plank," Deadpool says. "Can't we just talk things out?"


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[info]goesbothways
2010-04-28 07:58 pm UTC (link)
So... this is the part where things get weird. Ok, weirder than normal for Deadpool.

This is the part where a girl with a stuffed parrot stapled to her shoulder, and wearing an unnecessary eyepatch cuts one of the ropes on her own ship while holding onto the upper rope. The sudden release of tension snaps the rope upward like a rubber band, sending her flying, with a shouted 'ARRRR!' onto the rigging of the pirate ship, where, without missing a beat, she slides down a rope, drawing a pair of vintage black powder pistols on the doubtless surprised pirates.

"Avast ye swabs! Hide yer wenches and mead, cause I've come for... what the fuck? Not a single one of you fuckers has a peg leg... damnit. How can you be pirates without peg legs."

She shoots the nearest man in the shin. There, problem fixed.

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[info]mercwithamouth
2010-04-28 08:05 pm UTC (link)
Wherever the chick came from, Deadpool wasn't going to argue. The nearest pirate makes a pass at pushing him off the side of the ship, which he narrowly avoids and ends up on his tip-toes trying to keep from falling off the edge. Unlike Mr Pirate. He goes overboard screaming.

Now, Deadpool is still tied up, and even though he's not tied to anything, he still doesn't have use of his hands. That's not such a bad deal, except there are pirates starting to open fire at the crazy chick (who the hell is she?), as well as Deadpool!

Several bullets make their way into his center mass and don't even cause Wade to blink. "Stop that!" he chides, before he gives a swift round kick to another's temple and drops him off the side of the ship too. The bullets don't stop him though, and he just keeps going forward, a blade popping out from between his wrists. Right where he hid it. A few moments later, he's free, and already got a confiscated gun in his hand.

Which he promptly uses to splat away a pesky pirate that was trying to sneak up on the crazy girl and her stuffed parrot. "Are you really real, or am I just imagining things?" he asks the weirdo. (She really talks funny doesn't she?)

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[info]goesbothways
2010-04-28 08:18 pm UTC (link)
Crosshairs fires the other shot, then tucks the muskets away and draws a pair of auto-pistols, unloading right back at the pirates until one clip is empty. The shots hit her, but so far, nothing that'll slow her down - but its annoying and not helping.

Reloading one gun mid-motion, she tucks the other away so she can grab a handy rope to swing from while continuing to fire, trying to get where she can fight back to back with Deadpool.

"That depends. If I have two busty pirate wenches with me, you're seeing the future. If I have two heads and a pink elephant for a sidekick, that's the rum. If I look like Bea Arthur with a Taco Time value pack, you're fantasizing. If I'm saving you from spending the next fifteen years of my childhood at the bottom of the ocean by filling these piss-poor pirates with a hundred rounds of lead - I'm real."

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[info]mercwithamouth
2010-04-28 08:26 pm UTC (link)
"Oh man, don't talk about Bea and tacos right now, you're gonna give me a hardon!" replies Deadpool. He accepts the steel-firing, rope-flying figment as being real enough any ways and so when she gets to him, he presses his back to hers and takes a deep breath.

"Okay. You feel real. I'll take the latter." he then says, before he tilts his head to the side and asks "Wait. Next fifteen years of your childhood?"

BLAM-BLAM-BLAM! goes his gun as he offs another pirate and then tosses the gun over their shoulders. A quick duck and he's got another gun - this time with more ammo - and he's back in action!

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[info]goesbothways
2010-04-28 08:30 pm UTC (link)
"Dude, if you talk about what gives you wood again, Dad, I'm kicking you overboard myself. One of the /very/ few benefits to not having loving doting parents to teach me to shoot sniper rifles and target heavy ordinance and get me a pony... with a built in rocket launcher... was never having to walk in on them." she replies, emptying her auto pistol, and trading it for her Colt Python.

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[info]mercwithamouth
2010-04-28 08:44 pm UTC (link)
"Holy shit! I procreated!" cries Deadpool, thoroughly surprised.

In fact, he's so surprised that a pirate gets a lucky shot in and takes off half of the left side of his face. "Goddamnit!" he then cries, a hand raising up to clutch at the gore that was once his face, and then raised his gun to blow the fucker to smithereens.

Honestly, there weren't many pirates left.

Turning around, he finally gets a good look at you, a brow raising comically on the "good" side of his face. "Well. At least you took after your mother's donated DNA. If you took after me, you'd be ugly as fuck."

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[info]goesbothways
2010-04-28 08:49 pm UTC (link)
When the colt is empty, the desert eagle comes out next - how many guns does she have?
The hand cannon blows through three of the last pirates as they flee, and a second shot carries a pirate overboard. There, that ought to do it - and make sure this shipment for the Kingpin won't be reaching its destination.

She taps her head with two fingers of her other hand. "Yeah, Mom's looks... but I got your brains... that's where all the ugly cancerous masses are. I named them Hillary, Buffy, Greta... well, anyway... yeah, happy family reunion... union... whatever. Want to help me blow this ship up and then we can have father-daughter time while we make our daring escape?"

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[info]mercwithamouth
2010-04-28 10:01 pm UTC (link)
"Well, can't really say I never warned you.." he trails off as he looks around, and then cocks a hand on his hip and taps his chin. His head is slowly and rather grotesquely reforming as he ponders.

"So.. my options are.. help my gorgeous and daring and newly discovered daughter out with blowing up a ship.. or she could gut me and send me over the side of the boat. Because I'm pretty sure you'll try to kill me like any good fruit of my loins if I didn't go with your carefully conceived plans."

He thinks it over for another two seconds before he then shrugs and says "Hey, I can't say no to a pretty face. What's your name that I should have given you but I didn't, though I'm completely sure that whatever it is would be what I would have named you?"

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[info]goesbothways
2010-04-28 10:06 pm UTC (link)
"Kelly, Kelly Wilson." she replies, digging through her pack til she finds the C4 and detonators, tossing him a lump.
"Cool, go wire the engines to blow. My employer is paying me for a big, big, send-a-message BOOM, and my girlfriend is waiting for me for milkshakes, so we don't have all day.... besides, why would I try and kill you? That would be pointless. Way more fun when we can just skip all the angsty drama and get to the explosions part of the touching family scene."

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[info]mercwithamouth
2010-04-28 10:31 pm UTC (link)
"Kelly-pants!" replies Wade with what is probably a big stupid grin under his half blown off mask. The C4 is grabbed out of the air, and Deadpool turns around to truck it for the engine room.

On the way, he makes sure to stop and grab his rocket launcher and other assorted arms and ammo. By the time he makes it down to the hold, Kelly probably has already set her explosives and timed them. Of course she didn't account for dear old dad getting distracted.

Thirty seconds too late, he comes loping out the door, ten seconds too late to get off the ship in time. In slow motion the ship start to explode, Deapool with it!

Oh, but that isn't the end of dear old dad. No sir! From the giant mushroom-cloud comes a foot ball shaped object, literally screaming! It makes a graceful arc over the water, and goes flying straight for where Crosshairs is situated.

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[info]goesbothways
2010-04-28 10:36 pm UTC (link)
She didn't account for that. For all that she's a homicidally unstable sado-masochistic walking hormone, Kelly has one social virtue - she's professional. Given a job, she does the job, its literally programmed into her. So as soon as she got the her targets, the explosives were set, and she was out of there. Nothing even of quality enough to be worth looting - and Rose Red wanted a BIG Boom - send a message, so she got one.

She was a bit worried about dad... then sees the sphere coming her way. She repositions herself a couple times, positioning herself to try and catch it by all appearances. Finally figuring she has it about right, she raises her arms over her head like goal posts - letting the head pass right through them to bounce off the ground behind her.

"Field Goal! Three points!"

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[info]mercwithamouth
2010-04-28 10:42 pm UTC (link)
"OW! Hey!" cries Dead.. uhm.. well, I guess he'd be called Headpool now.

Yes. "OW! Hey!" cries Headpool as he bounces several times across the deck of Kelly's boat and then finally comes to rest all flopped over to one side. "HOMIGOD! I can't feel my legs! I can't feel my - " he then cuts off abruptly.

"Kelly-pants?" he then asks in a careful tone, "Where is Daddy's everything?"

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[info]goesbothways
2010-04-28 10:45 pm UTC (link)
Kelly picks up her dad's head, not seeming to be hearing him. "Let's see, how the fuck did that go... alas poor yogurt, I knew him, a ratio? Shakepseare makes no fucking sense." she muses.

She finally realizes her dad was talking to her. "Uhm, let's see, you had a 50 cal heavy machinegun, a rocket launcher, four chain weapons, five knives, a katana and a full ammo belt, right?"

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[info]mercwithamouth
2010-04-28 10:52 pm UTC (link)
"Two katanas." Headpool then corrects, before he skews his face into a rather unhappy expression. "They fell down and went boom, huh?" he then asks, as he tries to look towards the sinking ship.

"Man, those katanas are totally going to be worthless after this." he laments. "Sea water always makes them rust.." His eyes then turn to her and he raises a brow. "I'm going to need to assign you a mission, if you choose to accept it. Do you accept?>"

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[info]goesbothways
2010-04-28 10:56 pm UTC (link)
"Well, with all that metal, your everything is in about twenty pieces and sinking... Its going to take some serious scuba gear and searching to find all that mess... hrm. Later. I have a better idea."

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[info]mercwithamouth
2010-04-28 11:00 pm UTC (link)
"HEY! I was talking here!" replies Headpool before he blinks and brightens at her idea.

"What's that idea?" he then asks, more than curious. The fact that his body is in about twenty pieces and his guns are all on the bottom of the ocean is of little consequence. Never mind that he's just a freaking head.

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[info]goesbothways
2010-04-28 11:01 pm UTC (link)
"Well, my boss has this place I can get spinal fluid and nutrient bath stuff... they do some genetic engineering stuff... so there is something I /have/ to try. And then, Bowling!"

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[info]mercwithamouth
2010-04-28 11:11 pm UTC (link)
"... Bowling?" replies Headpool with a seriously scared look on his face. He doesn't quite like the sound of all this. "I can't exactly take you bowling right now, pumpkindoodle."

"And I don't think I need all that fancy stuff. Just a beer and some tacos will suffice." he then says, trying to be helpful.

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[info]goesbothways
2010-04-28 11:15 pm UTC (link)
"No, see, bowling is part of the plan. Its necessary." she replies with a firm nod, heading back to set course to get back where she can get in touch with Rose and get a quick flight back.

"You don't have a stomach, but I'll pour some beer into the nutrient bath for you... and after bowling we can hit the strip club. they have this cowgirl themed girl with a pair of replica colt peacemakers... gorgeous." She does not say whether she refers to the girl or the guns, or if it matters.

"You can look at all the rest of them, 'Miss Gunns' is mine though. But bowling first. Definitely."

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[info]mercwithamouth
2010-04-28 11:32 pm UTC (link)
"Okay, number one: I am not living in a nutrient bath. I am not a head in a jar." he says, sounding offended. "Number two: I get all the tequila I want at the strip club, and as long as you give me plenty of ones to tongue into g-strings, I really don't care who is yours. Number three: bowling? Really? DO THEY HAVE NACHOS?"

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[info]goesbothways
2010-04-28 11:34 pm UTC (link)
"This is a high class joint... I'll give you fives." she negotiates. "And /of course/ the bowling alley has nachos." she replies disdainfully. "Otherwise I'd find a different bowling alley. And, duh, a jar would be stupid."

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[info]goesbothways
2010-04-28 11:36 pm UTC (link)
True to her word - she didn't make him a brain in a jar. She got the nutrients to keep him going as a head, and then had Rose Red's people make her what she wanted. Sure, it cost her all the cash from that pirate job, but totally worth it.

She has her father's head in a bowling ball. He has life-sustaining nutrients mixed with tequila, a voice system while he floats in the middle of the ball, and a special feeding slot for nachos.

Now she's off to wreak great vengeance on bowling pins, before the /real/ experiment begins. Small steps, small steps.

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[info]mercwithamouth
2010-04-29 12:21 am UTC (link)
How could Wade not be happy with a setup like this? It's got nachos and tequila and plenty of room to swim around... It's not even all that bad if you asked him. Hell, anyone would be happy with enough nachos and tequila.

Of course, being rolled down the fairway is something he needs to get used to. It actually takes him trying to keep his balance to keep from being slung around the bowling ball end over end. Eventually though he gets the hang of it, and it's smooth sailing from there.

Wade almost forgets that he can't shake the feeling that his left big toe is getting nibbled on by fish.

"Waaaahoooooooo!" cries the bowling ball as it flies down the lane. Luckily, it's fairly easy to keep happy; as long as you don't forget the nachos.

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[info]goesbothways
2010-04-29 12:26 am UTC (link)
Kelly is a pretty good bowler - ok, she's somewhere between an excellent athlete and really, really lucky, like she is at almost anything else that doesn't require very much thought.

She elects to attribute her 287 score to her dad's head being in the ball, of course. She also neither skimps on the nachos and tequila, nor questions where, exactly they go. She just occasionally pours a little more nutrient bath fluid mixed with tequila into the ball, shoves nachos into the slot - and sets up another game. Its a great system.

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[info]mercwithamouth
2010-04-29 12:34 am UTC (link)
No one wants to know where the Nachos and nutrient bath go. Or the tequila.

By the time Kelly has gotten her 287, Wade is just about slobbering drunk and mumbling about Bea Arthur and gmilfs. Funny thing how if you don't have a body, you can actually get drunk, for once.

Mmmm.. tasty nachos..

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[info]goesbothways
2010-04-29 12:38 am UTC (link)
After confirming that dad's-head-in-a-bowling-ball really does have amazing bowling-287 properties, and he's drunk enough to appreciate it, strip clubs are next on the agenda.

"Oh yeah, now that I have a parent to introduce her to, I should bring my girlfriend over. That's one of those dad things too, right? Not to mention, you missed a lot of birthdays. So much to catch up on."

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[info]mercwithamouth
2010-04-29 12:58 am UTC (link)
"Ooooh, gonna take me home to meet the girl?" he echos. "That's totally a Dad thing; just make sure that she's ready for Twenty Questions. And then the traditional Feeding of Dad Nachos and Tequila." he then decides aloud.

It seems he can.. somehow.. hop the ball. With two little bounces, he looks up at Kelly and says with a big grin, "Kitten-kisses, you're the best daughter in the whole world.." he paused, then said "What do you want for your birthday, diddlysnooches?"

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[info]goesbothways
2010-04-29 01:07 am UTC (link)
"Well, let's see, when I was little, I wanted a pony... now I want a rocket launcher. I don't think they make ponies with rocket launchers." she ponders aloud.

"And... yeah. You're going to love her, daddy. She keeps a full-auto modded pistol in her handbag, and two concealed handguns... oh, and she has knife fighting training, and was able to identify one-hundred and forty-three pressure points without cheating."

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[info]mercwithamouth
2010-04-29 01:12 am UTC (link)
Headpool sniffles a bit, and nods his head to everything Kelly says. "Wow, sweetie.. She sounds like a total catch!"

He swishes around ab it in the ball, and then hrms some as his face skews into a thoughtful expression. "Ponies with rocket launchers wouldn't be as useful as wombats with rpg's. They're smaller and make a bigger splay when it goes off."

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[info]goesbothways
2010-04-29 01:15 am UTC (link)
"Yeah, but what little girl wants a wombat? They smell funny. Hmmm, how about a sports car that drops land mines and has retractable gatling guns? That'd make up for no pony." she decides, before switching mental gears back to her dreamy girlfriend.

"Oh she is, we have a date this weekend to go blow up a warehouse, and if we time it right, we can get in a contact sniping run too. I'm teaching her how to spot for me."

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[info]mercwithamouth
2010-04-29 01:24 am UTC (link)
"Now Kelly-pants, I want you to be cautious. Remember to practice Safe Gun-handling when you've got a spotter that you would rather not have to replace."

Sighing, he blows up a stream of bubbles into the tank, and then gives a little bit of a drunken hiccup. "Alright. Daddy wants to see some panties drop. C'mon baby-girl! Let's go see those boobies and Peacemakers!"

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[info]goesbothways
2010-04-29 01:26 am UTC (link)
She frowns. "No, the girl with the Peacemakers is mine... you can have the other ones." They don't interest her, but its all worth it to go see her twirl her guns, yes.

That stated, bowling-ball-dad and Crosshairs go skipping off to the strip club.

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[info]mercwithamouth
2010-04-29 04:07 am UTC (link)
"You're right, you're right.." agrees Dad in his soup of nachos and tequila and nutrients. "Just make sure to point me up a good skirt and I'll be happy."

And oh man.. Did she point him at quite a few pretty skirts. He never got a look at the Peacemaker chick though.

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[info]goesbothways
2010-04-29 06:33 pm UTC (link)
Of course he didn't. The joys of having dad in a bowling ball. Every time Miss Gunns comes up, she just turns the bowling ball around to face the men's restroom.
At least she always turns him back when the next act comes on.

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