From: notonyourteam	Date: June 2nd, 2011 03:25 am (UTC)		(Link)

Mackenzie felt a surge of relief as she saw Tatum's face, the girl had an instant calming effect on her. She smiled weakly as she was pulled gently into the dorm room. Tatum always took such good care of her, who else would be worried she was out after curfew? She didn't even know when actual curfew was to be honest, she rarely was in before it anyway.

"Since when has curfew been an issue?" She tried to joke. She was trying to act like her old
self, like nothing was wrong at all. But felt rusty and wrong, she wasn't sure if she knew how to be herself at this point. She had spent so long just sitting in Hunter's room, it felt weird to be anywhere else.

"Thanks for letting me come over," She mumbled, looking at her feet and messing with her hands. She wasn't sure when she became such a socially useless person. With Hunter she could just sit there and bitch if she needed to but the blonde had left her alone mostly. "I didn't know who else to go to honestly. You're like, the only person I really trust you know?"

She trailed off, looking up at Tatum timidly. She wanted to know where the other girls head was, did she hate her? Was she mad about what had happened? Or did she not care? She searched her best friend's face for any kind of sign to help her gauge what the redhead was feeling.

	From: porcelinaofvast	Date: June 2nd, 2011 03:36 am (UTC)		(Link)

Tatum's eyes were still adjusting to the darkness as she manuvuered her way back to her usual position in her desk chair. She had yanked a throw blanket off of her bed, and now wrapped it loosely around her shoulders as she sat. She always felt so frigid when she got woken up from a nap or any kind. It also made her feel a little nauseous, but the anxiety she felt at watching Mack standing in front of her wasn't helping.

She reached for the half a joint, lighting up quickly and sucking back a good puff. Something for the nausea, anyway. "It's no problem dude," she replied quietly, struggling to be herself as well, and deciding not to get into the curfew argument. She had broken curfew with the blonde many times, why should she care? Maybe Sera was getting to her.

The redhead watched Mackenzie closely, her eyes meeting the other girl's as she looked up at her. Tatum could only hold the eye contact for a moment, quickly breaking it away. It was too intense, and she felt herself blushing in the darkness. Yet again, she asked herself what the fuck her problem was. It was just Mack.

"You know what we always say, what's mine is yours.. you can sleep in Bekka's bed, like if you want. Just don't tell her. She's anal as fuck so I'm sure it's clean," she suggested, glancing toward the vacant bed. "I guess she might be gone for a while."

She'd rather talk about anything but them. That was too hard.

	From: notonyourteam	Date: June 2nd, 2011 04:15 am (UTC)		(Link)

When the redhead met her gaze she felt a flicker of hope in her chest, maybe things could be normal between them again. She wasn't sure because of the darkness, but she could have sworn that the redhead was blushing as she looked away. There were too many emotions that had flickered through that brief eye contact that Mackenzie couldn't even begin to figure out what it all meant.

"Y-yeah," Mackenzie's voice cracked as she glanced at Bekka's bed. She hadn't heard anything about Bekka's parents but she wondered if they were worse off then Craig. Honestly, it hurt that she was being banished to the spare bed in the room. "I heard they might have found her parents too?"

She was so angry at herself for ruining one of the only good thing's she had going for her. If she hadn't opened her big mouth things would have been different right now, she would have been on Tatum's bed. They'd probably be touching knee's or something, they alway's had some kind of physical contact. It was like Tatum knew about her need for little physical touches, even though she had never told the girl. She couldn't believe she had ruined something so fucking good, just for her own selfish satisfaction.

She crawled onto Bekka's bed, scooting as close as she could get to the wall and drawing her knees up to her chest. She burrowed into her Batman sweatshirt and watched the redhead from across the room. She really wanted to just give up and let the tears fall. Everything just sucked so much right now, it would be a relief to just let it all out. But she couldn't cry in front of Tatum again, especially not with the way things were right now.

"I...um...thanks. Again I guess," She fumbled awkwardly. She really wanted to talk about it, talk about something. She wanted the redhead to comfort her, to tell her it was okay to be upset. Who was going to be strong for Kia and Kate if she wasn't though? She was acting man of the house, so to speak. "I just couldn't spend another night on Hunter's floor."

She could feel the tears pricking at the corners of her eyes, this was fucking ridiculous. Since when had she become such a god damn sap? She couldn't keep herself crying in front of this stupid red headed girl who was going to put her forever in the friend zone.

She just loved Tatum so much it hurt.

Trying to sniff discretely, she swiped at her eyes quickly with her sleeve. Part of her was hoping that Tatum hadn't noticed, the other part of her was hoping she did. She just wished there was someone who would hold her and tell her it was okay to cry.

	From: porcelinaofvast	Date: June 2nd, 2011 04:39 am (UTC)		(Link)

"This is what I hear. I guess her grandmother is in a real state too, driving her insane as usual," Tatum murmured back, her legs pulling up onto the chair with her and inside of the blanket wrap. She watched Mackenzie back as the blonde crawled onto the bed and peered at her like that. Something in the look broke her heart a little, and she had to look away again, staring out of the window as she took a toke from the joint and exhaled toward as well. It was open a crack, and the smoke was quickly swept out.

She glanced back to Mack when she spoke, offering the older girl a sheepish little smile and a shrug of her shoulders. "I don't blame you.. sleeping on a floor is no place for somebody. She won't let you up on the bed?" she asked, eyebrows furrowing a bit. For a moment, she felt a fierce stab of dislike for Hunter. She would let Mack in the bed. Wouldn't she? Of course she would. It was what had started this whole mess, really.

"That's bad for your spine," she finished lamely, backing down on the subject. It wouldn't do to push Mack about it. She and Hunter were just.. weird. If she asked to sleep in the bed, it was likely the other blonde might drop-kick her through a wall or something for no reason. Tatum really couldn't wrap her head around them. She watched Mack again, puffing slowly, and wondered how many bruises she might have. She itched for her wand, wanting to act like old times, to jokingly pull her friend's hoodie up while she protested, healing up her stupid 'battle wounds' against her will if it came to that.

She probably needed it. Hunter had probably worked her over like a bag of sand this week if she had been with her every night. It explained why they hadn't run into each other at all. Had Mack even gone to class? Tatum hadn't seen her in advanced Transfiguration or music, not even once.

Tatum leaned over to her desk more, finding the ashtray in the semi-darkness and stubbing out the last of the joint. She felt stoned, but really not much better. If anything, she felt more anxious. Was Mack staring at her? Why? What was she supposed to do for the other girl? She was clueless and useless to really help, and the reality was setting in like a weight on her chest. She cleared her throat, hunching over in the chair and looking over toward Mack on the bed again.

She heard the sniffling, surprisingly loud in the otherwise totally silent room. Perhaps only because she had been listening for it, waiting for it, telling herself she was going to have to be the strong one if Mackenzie broke down. Now she was, and Tatum didn't even know where to begin, inhaling shakily and lifting her hands to push the blanket off of her own shoulders. She closed the laptop, leaving the room in total darkness now.

The redhead thought briefly of the thing she had seen across her ceiling, and her pulse quickened, but she quickly pushed reality to the front of her focus before she let her imagination run away. There was nothing in the darkness except the two of them and this palpable awkwardness. "Babe," she began before she could stop herself, biting her lip roughly. She wasn't her babe. They couldn't say stupid shit like that anymore, that was for girlfriends. She called Frankie that, she couldn't just go throwing it around for anyone. But it just came so naturally, and that made her chest tighter.

"Mackenzie," she corrected herself, standing up from the chair at last. She moved through the darkness with a sense of direction she didn't really realize she had. She usually at least stubbed a toe on something. She dragged the blanket with her, and found her way to the edge of Bekka's bed, stopping as her knees hit the edge of the mattress. Her hands were shaking, but she shook out the blanket, spreading it over Mack's curled up form. "I-It's okay," she lied, just standing beside her, feeling frozen in place and unsure of what else to do.

	From: notonyourteam	Date: June 2nd, 2011 05:24 am (UTC)		(Link)

Mackenzie practically felt her heart stop when Tatum referred to her as "babe". It made her heart ache more then it already was, it just felt so right. She had been called "babe" many times before by different girls she had slept with, but none of them made her feel like this. It was a beautiful pain, because she knew that Tatum would probably never call her that, especially after correcting herself.

She started crying harder when she felt the girl wrap her blanket around her shoulders. It smelled like Tatum, the only way that Tatum could smell. It was just overwhelming her with the utter reality of the situation. She didn't think she could bare loosing the redhead, because who would she honestly have left after that besides Hunter?

"Did I ever tell you that when my parents fought when I was younger, Kia used to hide me in the bathroom under a blanket?" She asked, her breathing ragged as she drew the blanket tighter around her. She wasn't even sure what this had to do with anything but the word vomit wouldn't stop. "She used to make me feel important, like talk to me all the time, and make me play games with her until they stopped yelling at each other."

She drew in another few labored breaths, the tears just weren't stopping now. She had never told anyone these things before, and now with recent events she just couldn't hold it all in anymore. She would probably explode if she had to for one more moment.

"When dad left, Kia dragged me into the bathroom like she always did. Except that time she was crying, I couldn't get her to stop," She sniffed again, louder than the last time. God, what a mess this was. She was surely never going to be able to live with herself after this little episode. "I didn't get it at the time but I figured it was my job to take care of everyone since dad was gone. Kia and my mom just cried and cried, and someone had to take care of them right?"

She was gesticulating wildly with her hands now, she could see her fingers shaking as she held them out in question. She wiped across her face again with her sleeve, and took a shaky breath to continue.

"I was so angry the day that mom introduced us to Craig, I thought, who the fuck is this guy to think he can take my dad's place? I might have been horrible at taking care of Kate and Kia, since I guess it really turned out Kia took care of us all, but like, I just thought it was until he came back. You know? He just left me in charge until he came home, he used to do that." She was pretty much sobbing hysterically now, all pride had gone out the window.

"I just...who's going to be there if Craig is really gone? I don't actually hate him you know, he makes Kate so happy. And I don't have to worry about her anymore. And Kia gets to go live her life now instead of watching out for us." She was rambling now, running her hands through her hair. God she had to end this now, she had to make it all make sense. Otherwise she was pretty sure that Tatum was going to think she was crazy.

"And I just can't stand to loose you," She said out of the blue. She knew she wasn't making sense anymore, her mind was racing a mile a minute. She just couldn't organize her thought process. "Because if I loose you Tatum, I just wont have anyone anymore."

	From: porcelinaofvast	Date: June 2nd, 2011 05:46 am (UTC)		(Link)

Tatum stood rigid at the side of the bed, palms sweating in the darkness as she bit nervously onto her lip. Her arms hung loosely at her sides, hands clenched at the ends. She felt chilled now without her blanket, but she was still frozen in place, couldn't even try to move to join Mack underneath it. She just listened to the blonde ramble, listened to her cry, and felt her own lower lip sticking out, trembling.

She still didn't know what to do, but she had to do something. She knew it was probably killing the blonde to open up like this, to expose her emotions so desperately to her. It almost felt like she was prying. She was glad it was dark, that she couldn't see the tears coursing down her friend's face. She watched her wipe a sleeve over her face vaguely, and for some reason that broke her of the paralysis that seemed to have taken over her body.

"I u-used to cry in the bathroom all the time," she admitted, as if it were the same, as if it might make the blonde feel better. "Before you found me," she continued, trailing off a bit and clenching up her hands again. Kids were cruel, it was just a part of life. She might not have been that scared freshman anymore on the outside, but she frequently felt like her on the inside. Right now was no exception.

"You won't l-lose me, ever, I promise," the redhead managed after a few moments. Her body moved on it's own accord, climbing numbly onto the bed and sliding in behind Mackenzie. She didn't move under the blanket, at least keeping that between them as she scooted up behind the taller girl, doing her best to wrap her arms loosely around her. Mack had several inches on her, she was usually the one getting grabbed and hugged and flung around. But now she had to be the tough one, and she couldn't even physically meet the role, let alone emotionally handle it.

The whole thing was just hard.

"I'm sorry I was.. s-such and asshole, okay? I'm just scared. I'm scared I'm-- I'm just gunna ruin everything. I don't even feel like I know who I am anymore," she whispered quietly, face pressing against Mackenzie's shoulder through the blanket. She swallowed hard, telling herself not to add who I want. That wasn't true, was it?

She could hear Frankie's words, as harsh as they had been at the time. I don't know if I love you enough. It made Tatum's heart ache uncomfortably, and she buried her face further against her friend's back, feeling safer already. She had missed this. What had she been thinking? She decided two things in that moment; first that she would never tell Bekka they had spooned in her bed, and second that she could never tell Mackenzie about the promise she had made to Frankie. The blonde was so raw right now, and Tatum felt like a royal asshole for ever even making the suggestion, for willingly offering to stay away from her own best friend. She just ended up hurting them both.

"I missed you," she breathed, barely audible.

	From: notonyourteam	Date: June 2nd, 2011 07:10 pm (UTC)		(Link)

Upon feeling the redheads arms wrapping around her, she could feel her body relax, the howling anguish she had been feeling started to ebb away. She listened to the girls voice as she talked, it calmed her down considerably, even if what the redhead was saying made her want to cry all over again. Hearing that reassurance that she would never loose the girl made her want to cry in relief. The weight that had been weighing on her shoulders all week was suddenly lifted. Loosing Tatum had been her biggest fear in dealing with the whole issue, and now that she knew she wouldn’t , she could deal with everything else.

She drew a shuddering breath and mopped up her face with her sweatshirt sleeve, not really caring that it was gross. “I…I’m scared too you know,” She said quietly, messing with her hands. It really was her fault that everything had turned out this way, she could have just kept it to herself and not bothered Frankie. They could have glared at each other, and then moved on. Instead she had to lash out and start shit, and make things rocky for everyone involved. “I’m the one who should be sorry Tatum, all of this is my fault. I should have never said those things to Frankie, it was a stupid thing for me to do, provoking her like I did.”

By this point she had stopped crying, the occasional hiccup bubbling out of her as they lay there. She felt exhausted, her eyelids dipping as she lay there being held by the girl she loved. Attachment sucked and yet somehow she managed to get attached to people anyway. Tatum, Hunter, Craig, they all meant a lot more to her than she had realized. She had promised that she wouldn’t get attached after Abigail, it would make things less painful that way. But somewhere along the line those three had wormed their way into her heart, and as much as it hurt to be attached to Tatum, it was an amazing feeling as well. To have someone who could make her feel like everything was going to be okay with just a simple gesture like holding her.

She almost didn’t hear it when Tatum told her she had missed her, but it was there faintly, Mackenzie could feel a warmth spreading to her toes as the girl burrowed into her more. She rolled over so she was facing the redhead, a small, watery smile on her face. She scooted closer to Tatum, nuzzling into her so that the redhead’s chin was resting near the crown of her head. Snaking her arms out from under the blanket, she wrapped them around the girl, squeezing her lightly. She hoped it wasn’t too intimate for Tatum, she just needed to be close to her. If she felt the girl freak though she would back off, she didn’t want to burn the little bridge they had just built.

“I missed you too,” Mackenzie mumbled softly into the girl’s shoulder. She knew that things were probably far from being okay again but this was definitely a start. “I didn’t know what to do without you,” She admitted, her face turning slightly red, even though she knew Tatum couldn‘t see her. She didn’t know when she had become so dependent on Tatum but it was obvious she couldn’t live without her.

“I…know how much you care about Frankie, and I promise I won’t try to get between that.” She whispered, gritting her teeth to keep her control. She pulled Tatum a little bit closer, pressing her face into the girl’s t-shirt. “I’m going to try really hard not to pressure you into feeling like you have to choose, you just have to tell me if I need to back off, okay? Like this, right now…if it’s too much just tell me and I’ll turn back around.”

	From: porcelinaofvast	Date: June 3rd, 2011 06:56 pm (UTC)		(Link)

Tatum was content just to hold the older girl, curled into her back and with her face kept close. She could faintly hear the blonde's heartbeat through her back, and it was lulling her into her own relaxation. When Mack turned over to her, the redhead only tensed briefly, as if she expected the other girl to shove her tongue down her throat without a single warning. When she just snuggled in instead, Tatum relaxed all over again, and scooted around a bit to get more comfortable. It was okay, the blanket was still between them. They just needed to hold each other, it wasn't such a bad thing, was it?

She smiled faintly when Mackenzie admitted to missing her, closing her eyes a bit as her chin rested onto the blonde's head. "What are you so scared of?" she whispered, not opening her eyes. It was a genuine question, although she had a feeling she knew the answers. She hadn't asked what Frankie said to her friend, almost didn't want to know. She knew that Frankie could get particularly cruel verbally when you got onto her bad side. It was just one of her few flaws.

"What did she say to you?" she continued, deciding after a very brief consideration that perhaps it would be better to know, to just get it out in the open. Whatever it had been, it had clearly really riled the blonde up. Tatum knew Mack didn't need much incentive to get into a fist fight, and that wasn't the part that had surprised it once the dust settled. It was the vulnerability that the older Sonnier was exposing now. Whatever it was that Frankie had said, it had shaken her friend's foundation, and that was sort of scary to see.

She didn't suppose she could take credit for every tear Mack was crying right now, whatever was going on with her family had to be part of it, but a good portion of the responsibility for the break down did fall into Tatum's lap. She couldn't bother to deny that, and it hurt. She felt guilty in a way that she hadn't felt since Valentine's Day, which she also still sort of blamed herself, even though Frankie had admitted it hadn't been her fault. Why did she hurt every girl that came around her? No wonder she had been single for so long.

The redhead tilted her face a bit, lips pressing briefly against the top of the blonde's head. "I don't want to-- I can't think about that," she murmured. She felt a little stoned, and slightly dizzy. It made the word vomit harder to control. "You're my b-best friend, like I can't.. it's pulling me apart, you know? But I can't just not-- you guys aren't ever going to like, like each other.. and I can't keep everybody happy."

She shifted uncomfortably, loosening her arms a bit and tilted her head back some against the mattress. "I miss when everything was just like, gravy and nobody cared.. like why can't everyone get along? Is that like, a totally hippie stupid thing to ask for? I bet Apple agrees with me.. I just wanna like, smoke and chill. I can't take all this fighting. Especially not between my girls."

	From: notonyourteam	Date: June 3rd, 2011 09:04 pm (UTC)		(Link)

Mackenzie was relieved when she felt Tatum relax and get comfortable in her arms, she was afraid that the redhead would actually tell her to turn back around. She wasn’t sure she could handle that kind of rejection right then, although she supposed she would have had to deal with it for Tatum’s sake. Letting out a small sigh of contentment, she listened to the redhead’s heart beating. It was soothing, even if she could hear the girls heart speed up a little before she spoke. Tatum was always so nervous, even if she had relaxed around the blonde immensely since they first met. Mackenzie sometimes wished that she could just be enough to make the girls anxiety go away, it was a stupid thought she sometimes had in her day dreams.

She bit her lip, what was she so scared of? Sure there was the obvious abandonment issues she struggled with, any kid with a rocky home life probably had those though. Sure she had daddy issues, but Tatum had lost her mother to actual death. Her father was just some dead beat who couldn’t grow up when it came to his family, and while it hurt, Mackenzie should have gotten over it by now right?

“I guess I’m scared of you,” She stated slowly, absentmindedly messing with the back of Tatum’s shirt. She didn’t even notice that she had started drawing tiny circles on the girls back, it was a nervous habit to do something with her hands, and it just seemed like such a natural thing to do. “Not in a bad way!” She reassured the redhead, because she knew that Tatum would probably start obsessing over it the second the words left her mouth. “Like, in a terrifyingly good way. I…You…you make me feel so many different things, it scares the hell out of me. I really care about you, and like, that doesn’t happen for me very often. I don’t let anyone close, not even my own mother. And then there you were, and I decided in about less than a second when I found you that I couldn’t stand to see you that sad.”

Mackenzie took a deep breath, she had no idea to express to Tatum exactly what was going on in her head. She usually shoved these feelings into the back of her mind so she wouldn’t have to deal with them, and now she was trying to voice them to another person. She couldn’t even really tell the things she was trying to say to herself.

“Like, I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I don’t exactly hang out with a ton of different people. I’m pretty sure that Kia was my best friend growing up, and that wasn’t exactly like, having a sister for a best friend, you know? She was like, my mom basically. Shit was kinda weird. And then I met Abigail and like, she was the first real friend I had, but that didn‘t work out.” She burrowed her face deeper into Tatum’s shoulder, she wasn’t even sure if she had ever talked to anyone about Abigail before. It felt weird, like it was a completely different life time. “Then I came here, and met you and Hunter and it was like, this is what things are supposed to be like. I finally fit in some in some kind of weird, messed up puzzle that was exactly where I wanted to be. It didn’t matter if the puzzle was like, retarded or what ever, because it felt like home, right?” She wasn’t going to cry again, there was no way in hell. Especially talking about shit like this, these were things she hadn’t even told Kia. She didn’t want anyone to know how much she had felt like a social anomaly before going to CCI.

“I’m scared because you make me feel so incredibly safe, and wanted, and it doesn’t matter what an idiot I am or how much I fuck things up because you’ll always want me anyway. You like me for my flaws and my good qualities and everything in between and it doesn’t matter if I wont sleep with you because like, you still want me around.” She swallowed thickly, taking a deep breath to calm her nerves. “Not that I don’t want to sleep with you, because I do. But for once, it doesn’t matter to me if I get to or not. Because just making you smile is enough. I stopped messing around with other girls recently because I’d rather have the time I spent seducing them to hang out with you.”

	From: notonyourteam	Date: June 3rd, 2011 09:05 pm (UTC)		(Link)

She could hear the little voice that sounded suspiciously like Hunter in her head telling her to stop being such a fag. It really was some cheesy shit out of a Saturday morning special, the player finds the one and then spends the rest of the story line changing their ways to get the girl. She knew that Tatum didn’t really approve of the way she used women and they used her, but she genuinely just enjoyed spending time with the redhead. It had nothing to do with getting with her redheaded friend, it just made her happier in the end.

“I know it sounds really stupid and cheesy, but it‘s true.” she laughed, she was blushing slightly. She felt really silly for being so sentimental, it was just so cliché. She couldn’t help it however, she just felt that way. Frankie, knowingly or unknowingly, had struck this incredibly fragile place for the blonde. She really didn’t want to tell Tatum that Frankie had hurt her so badly with just a few well place words. It meant that she had to admit that she was human, and had feelings just like everyone else.

“Frankie…she said a lot of things.” Mackenzie grumbled quietly, she knew that there was going to be no getting around telling Tatum at this point. So she took another deep breath and prepared to peal off yet another layer of emotional trauma for the redhead. “I guess what,” She paused, trying to get over herself and just say it. “Hurt the most, was when she told me that I was pathetic for hanging around you all the time when you only hung out with me because you felt sorry for me.” She clenched her teeth, and unconsciously tightened her hold on the redhead. She had hated how that stupid girl had made her feel like a useless waste of space that people only pitied. She couldn’t stand feeling like that. “Do you know how mad that made me? How much it made me doubt everything that I had become so comfortable with? I wasn’t just scared of loosing you but it made me worry that maybe you did only hang out with me because I was pathetic. Like, maybe tagging around with you like a lost puppy made you think that I was desperate for friends or something. I don’t know, she just hit me where it hurt. She emotionally shut me down, I just couldn’t handle it. People can say what they want, they can call me a slut, or a bitch, and I’ll just laugh in their faces. I don’t know if she knew it or not but Frankie pretty much busted right into my most secret fears and messed with them. That’s why I lost it so bad, I was terrified.”

She trailed off after that, not really knowing what else to say. She had pretty much laid everything out on the line for her friend. That was the most honest she had been with anyone about who she was. She was slightly in shock, there was no way to take any of it back now. Tatum could do with it what she wanted, but Mackenzie trusted Tatum to not make a fool out of her. She felt her anxiety melt away a little when Tatum kissed her head, whether Tatum knew it or not, it was the perfect reassurance for Mackenzie. It was a sign of acceptance, even after everything the blonde had told her.

“Yeah, you silly hippy, gosh!“ She teased in response to Tatum’s question, trying to lighten the mood a bit. She felt kind of bad after Tatum’s confession of how she wished everything could just be gravy. It certainly wasn‘t Tatum‘s fault that her and Frankie were fighting over her. “Tatum, in all honesty, it’s not your job to make us all happy. Frankie and I should be the ones trying to keep you happy if anything. You’re an innocent bystander in all of this. It’s really up to us to pretend to get along for your sake, because if we both care about you so much we shouldn’t demand that you choose. We should both want you to be happy, and leave all the deciding up to you. We’re just both selfish and don’t want to share such a good thing I guess.”

	From: porcelinaofvast	Date: June 3rd, 2011 10:19 pm (UTC)		(Link)

Tatum tried desperately not to shiver when Mackenzie's fingers tickled over her back, tracing patterns and making the redhaired girl inhale sharply just once. "Scared of me?" she echoed, trying to distract herself from the feeling of the blonde drawing those little circles. She considered asking her to stop, but couldn't bring herself to bother. Mack was always doing this kind of stupid stuff to her, when they were laying around watching movies, or just hanging out. They joked around, sat over each other. Physical contact usually wasn't her thing, but with friends was different. With Mackenzie was different. She was just a physical person. It hadn't bothered her before, why was she letting this freak her out so bad?

She listened closely as Mack explained, keeping her chin resting on the blonde's head, and smiling faintly as she went on. So much of what the older girl was saying, Tatum could relate to entirely. She wouldn't lie and say that she didn't spend the first two months of her friendship with Mackenzie wondering when the other kids would jump out, and it would all just be some big joke on her. Like Carrie or Cruel Intentions or some shit. She was pleasantly surprised when it never did happen, but it had definitely crossed her mind. Mackenzie made her feel all kinds of things, everything from affection and loyalty to worry. And lately, stress.

"Shut up," the redhead urged gently, sighing lightly as she gave Mack a weak little squeeze in her arms. "You think I hang out with a ton of people? Other than like, you and Frankie.. I have Sunny and Rowan, and all of the guys but like.. no one knows me like you. I can't like-- I don't know. I was so scared when I got here, and I didn't have Rath, and I always had Rath, and then you were just.. there. I mean like, I.. met other people, I have other friends, but you're my best friend. You like, know too many of my secrets to let you go," Tatum continued, turning her head so her cheek was resting on Mack's head instead. "Why would I want you to like, leave?"

Except that it was only a week ago that she had pushed her away, less than that since she had sworn to never speak to her again. Yet again, she felt incredibly cruel and selfish for that. How did she deserve to be Mack's best friend after everything she had done? She listened as the blonde mentioned her old friend, and Tatum tensed again. Mack almost never mentioned what life had been like at Salem, and Tatum didn't really push her. All she had ever cared about was that Mack had come to CCI. Whatever had went down at her old school was her business, but now she was wondering if it was the time to ask questions.

"What happened to Abigail?" she tried, regretting it almost as soon as she said it. "You don't have to tell me," she quickly added. "I don't know what it didn't work out, but I would-- I just want you around. I won't leave you behind, okay? Cause like.. that's not cool. I'm not like that. I'm not gunna be like that to you, cause like.. you know, like, you make me feel safe too.. and wanted. And we can't like-- we can't do that, this stuff, all of the time," she whispered, giving Mack another little squeeze. Why did it hurt so bad to say that? What was happening to her? This whole week had just skewed and destroyed her perception of her world and the people in it.

She laughed a little when Mack said she would sleep with her, and she knew her heart was pounding, her cheeks lighting up with color despite herself. "I'm sorry that I can't like.. be one of your conquests," she joked softly, pressing another kiss to the blonde's head, just above her ear this time. She had missed her so much. It didn't mean anything, right? She just wanted her best friend back. "I can smile all you want though, just.. be more chill. You need to do some yoga with me and Apple, like.. find your inner peace and shit," the redhead added.

She was honestly flattered that Mack would give up flirting time for her, and she felt her stomach do a little flip. She knew how much the blonde valued her time with the ladies, and the fact that she would give up any time doing that to spend it with her instead.. well, it really said something.

	From: porcelinaofvast	Date: June 3rd, 2011 10:21 pm (UTC)		(Link)

Time was money, especially with the women Mack tried to wine and dine. It was no different than Tatum just flushing an ounce of weed down the toilet or something. She had never seen Mack this caught up about a girl. She didn't approve of the blonde's love-em-and-leave-em approach, but at least that was routine. Mack's emotional side was much more unsettling, and harder to shrug off. The fact that she was the girl made it even more absurd, even harder to ignore.

Harder to ignore how warm the other girl's body was, how soft her hair was, her nimble fingers still tickling her back, or how she smelled like cigarettes covered up with a fine spritz of Old Spice. Tatum was always telling her that she smelled exactly like her grandpa, and the thought made her smile slowly again. "It's not stupid though," Tatum added eventually, wanting to make it clear. She didn't think anything that Mack said was stupid really, unless it truly was stupid. But when her friend was baring her soul to her like that, she didn't find it the slightest bit stupid. Mostly just heartbreaking.

Tatum still wasn't entirely sure she was ready to hear what Frankie had said, but she braced herself anyway, letting Mack tell her side of the story and explain everything. She felt bad for waiting so long before sitting down to listen to it. She had just been in such a blind rage, and then when she and Frankie fought about it, her panic had been unleashed and she was powerless to do anything but overreact. What she had done had been stupid, and although Mackenzie seemed determined to take the blame, Tatum didn't buy it. If she had just stayed away from the two of them, neither of the two girls would be upset right now.

She felt the hold tighten, and she frowned a little. "You're not pathetic," she corrected her quickly, not a moment hesitation on that one. She scooted away from Mackenzie and broke their embrace, just so she could pull back and look at the blonde seriously. Her heart was in her throat, but she tried to speak with confidence and reassure her. She had to be the strong one. "I used to think that same shit.. ironically. I thought like-- I thought one day, you'd just give up. Or Hunter would like, jump out of a classroom with a camera and you'd just.. laugh at me or something. I don't know what you see in hanging out with me.. like, besides the comic books and when I burn episodes of Glee for you," she replied, an embarrassed little smile crossing her face. "You're not pathetic, but I am and I thought like.. you'd be so sick of me by now. I never thought you'd wanna stick with me.. especially after everything, like I was like, your charity case. That's what people think, I think but.. haters gunna hate, right?"

The younger girl lifted a hand, letting it rest across Mackenzie's cheek briefly, giving it a gentle pinch. "She shouldn't have.. said any of that. I think she's like-- jealous? I don't think she knows what it's like to be jealous, she just.. it's like she's shutting down on me," the redhead whispered, trying to explain. She trailed off as well, unsure if she wanted to go on. Would Mack want to hear about them? Would Frankie kill her for talking about her to Mack? Hell, that was beyond the point. If Frankie knew she was in here snuggling up with the blonde, as much as it was between friends for her, she knew the brunette would go off. She'd probably hex her into next month, all parle français.

"She said she doesn't know if she loves me enough to put up with this," she admitted finally, needing to get it out. She hadn't told anyone, just held it up instead, burning away at her. The words had been like a slap across the face, and she knew that had been the only reason she had reacted so horribly, but she still felt terrible. Her girlfriend didn't know if she loved her, and she had offered to give up her best friend to try to fix it. What kind of person was she?

	From: porcelinaofvast	Date: June 3rd, 2011 10:22 pm (UTC)		(Link)

Despite herself, Tatum cracked a smile when Mack called her a hippie. It helped her to hold back the tears that she had been feeling build up, threatening to spill over. She sniffed a little, giving the blonde a light shove, though she barely moved. "It's my job to make you guys happy, I shouldn't like.. take you for granted. You guys are like.. hard to please though.. you less than her, but I know you're just trying to make me happy. You'd be pleased as a pig in shit if I broke up with her tomorrow, no matter what you say," Tatum challenged, her weak smile fading away. "But I can't I just.. I need her so bad. Why doesn't she love me?"

That was it then, as she felt one tear slipping down her cheek. She wiped it away on the nearest pillow, she tried another weak smile. "Sorry, that's stupid. I'm stupid."

	From: notonyourteam	Date: June 3rd, 2011 11:45 pm (UTC)		(Link)

“Because everyone always ends up leaving in the end,” She admitted quietly in response to Tatum’s question to why she’d want the blonde to leave. It killed her to have to admit it to her friend, everyone she ever cared about had abandoned her when the going got tough. Her father, her mother, Abigail, Kia had been the only one to stick with her in the past and she mostly assumed that was because she had to. They were siblings and therefore in Mackenzie’s mind, we required to stick together. Of course, her parents were supposed to do that too but that didn’t work out. “It’s happened way too much for me to try to care about most people. I’m afraid if I really do care about them, I’ll loose them because, well, that’s always what happens to me.” She shrugged like it wasn’t a big deal, she didn’t really feel like she was entitled to use it as an excuse for feeling bad about stuff.

Hearing those words from Tatum made her tear up all over again, she felt so safe in the redhead’s arms and in the sincerity of Tatum’s voice that she knew the redhead wouldn’t abandon her. Although the next few words out of the other girls mouth broke her heart all over again, even though she knew that they were coming the whole time. As intimate as their friendship was, there was just no hiding that there might have been something more than friendship. If Frankie were to ever catch wind of this kind of thing, Mackenzie knew the French girl would loose her head. And Mackenzie wouldn’t blame her, she knew that if Tatum was hers then she wouldn’t want anyone else having this kind of contact with her. But that didn’t stop the blonde from wanting it, or getting it when she needed it.

She was a bit surprised when Tatum pressed her on the subject of Abigail, usually Tatum would just leave it be, but she felt like she might as well tell her. It would be the last piece of the puzzle to fit everything into place for the redhead, she had told her everything else about her insecurities.

“I don’t mind telling you, it’s probably about time I told someone besides Kia.” She had to let it go, really, it had been a few years and she couldn’t keep dwelling on it like she did. “Abigail was like, my first everything. We both played Quidditch on the team at Salem and she kind of took me under her wing. She helped me get confident with my self and taught me how to be outgoing. She was there when I started figuring out my sexuality, and well, she was my first girlfriend.” She was kind of crying again, as much as she had promised herself she wouldn’t. But at least she wasn’t sobbing this time, just a light trickle down her face. “She was the first girl I ever loved, and the first girl I ever slept with. She taught me everything, she was like, the love that I never got at home. She was so sweet and gentle.”

	From: notonyourteam	Date: June 3rd, 2011 11:47 pm (UTC)		(Link)

She sighed, and buried her face deeper into Tatum, slightly surprised that it was possible at that point. She was pressed so tightly to the redhead that she was pretty sure the only way they could be closer was if they were naked. “My mom caught us over break one day, um…going at it in my room. I didn’t know she was coming home early. She like, freaked out and dragged Abi out of there by her hair. It was so fucked up. She called the school and told them I wouldn’t be back from break. I told Abigail later that I would just go live with my dad, he didn’t care either way. Then we could just like, you know, go to school together and not have to worry. But I guess some things are just too much for some people. She broke it off saying that she loved me but there were a lot of things that were just going to tear us apart in the end. She said she knew there would be a girl out there who would stick around to deal with it instead of running away, but that just wasn’t her. I couldn’t really blame her I guess, the whole thing was super messed up. My mom was threatening to tell the school she like, took advantage of me or something.”

Mackenzie wanted to tell Tatum that she didn’t want the redhead to be a conquest but something real, something more. She held her tongue however, she didn’t want to tread into that territory right now. It was too risky, things could still blow up in her face and then they’d be back to square one again. Besides, Tatum had made it pretty clear that she just wanted to be friends, it would be inappropriate for her to continue pushing the subject. The kiss above her ear was nice however, and it did make the ache in her heart lessen slightly.

She made a small noise of protest as the redhead broke their embrace but was immediately awestruck when she looked into the other girls eyes. The love and sincerity that was pouring out of them was almost too much for the blonde, but she wouldn’t break the gaze. She listened to Tatum speak with rapt attention, blushing as the girl reached out and pinched her cheek. She couldn’t believe that Tatum would think that, but she couldn’t exactly blame her. She knew how the girl felt, the uncertainty and insecurity about if people were using you or not.

“Babe, you’re not pathetic either.” The pet name had just slipped out, she wished she could have taken it back. It wasn’t a term that friends in their situation could throw around lightly. But it had happened, and they could only move forward. “I could never get tired of you, you’re like my numero uno! I love, everything about you. I wouldn’t change a single thing. You just, get me and I get you. I’ll happily beat up the haters though, ass holes.” She smiled at the redhead, poking her gently in the abdomen. “You’re perfect just the way you are Tatum Donnelly. I won’t ever get enough of you.”

She felt her blind rage flare up as the girl talked about Frankie, how could she ever say anything like that to the redhead? Mackenzie unconsciously let out a low growl, switching into her protective mode as she saw the tear fall down Tatum’s face. She pulled the girl back to her, snuggling up to the redhead, this time resting her chin on the girls head. She drew the blanket around them and gave Tatum a comforting squeeze.

“One,” She started, squeezing the girl lightly for emphasis again. “I would be the happiest woman alive if you broke up with Frankie tomorrow, but I don’t want you to feel like you should because I said that. I would probably be terribly torn between comforting you, ripping her head off and trying to jump your bones.” She laughed lightly, “Although I’m totally kind of kidding about the last part. Kind of. And two, that is a horrible thing to say to anyone. Especially you, I might have to go punch her face again.” She was only kind of kidding about that one too, she wanted to go find the stupid French girl and wail on her until she took back what she said. She had seen the hurt across Tatum’s face when she admitted it to Mackenzie. No one hurt her redhead like that.

	From: notonyourteam	Date: June 3rd, 2011 11:47 pm (UTC)		(Link)

“Tatum, as much as it kills me to say this, Frankie does love you. Otherwise she wouldn’t be as upset about what I said to her, I wouldn’t have been able to provoke her so easily. Love messes you up like that.” She sighed, nuzzling the redhead. “Trust me, I know.”

“You need her like I need you,” She stated simply, it only hurt her slightly to admit it. “And before you start reassuring me that you need me too, don’t. I know you do Tatum but I know what our relationship is, and I understand. Love isn’t easy, but she does love you okay? And she’s a dumb bitch if she doesn’t. Like, seriously, the stupidest person in the world to not love you. Because like, trust me, what’s not to love?”

	From: porcelinaofvast	Date: June 4th, 2011 04:24 am (UTC)		(Link)

"Hey, I'll never leave you," Tatum insisted quickly, ignoring the twisting in her chest as she said the words. How she had come to making that a lie, if only she had more will power than this. If she had really been dedicated, she could have put the blonde off a lot longer, but she was glad she hadn't. It was hard to hear these things, but it was good to know them. "I'm not like other people, if you hadn't noticed?" she suggested quietly, snuggling in more comfortably as Mack began her story about Abigail.

She wasn't sure what she had been expecting, but that hadn't been it, and by the time that older girl had finished telling it, Tatum's lower lip was trembling like mad. It was clear she wasn't cut out to be the strong one, and this only proved it. Hearing all of that left her with a torrent of new worries, the least of which was not the fact that she lived every day in fear of the same thing. Stories like those were exactly why she had never told her parents so much as a word about her sexuality. Let Sera be the open one, get her girlfriend dragged out of the house by her hair, Tatum wasn't going there.

Tatum would rather live any number of her days in secrecy, if that was what it took to avoid situations like those. She loved her parents desperately, and to be put in a position like that.. she couldn't even imagine. It wasn't exactly warming her opinion of Mackenzie's mother, although she felt immediately bad for having such ill thoughts about a woman who had a husband in the hospital. It was sort of rude. But what she had just heard was also unimaginably cruel.

"T-That's awful," she managed, unsure how else to even express what she was thinking. "She was your f-first," she added quietly, finding that was something else she could relate to. First loves were never an easy thing to work with. "I get that," the redhead sighed. She didn't want to speak against Abigail, a girl she didn't know, didn't even really know a thing about until tonight. But her mind was full of choice words. When had she gotten to protective of everyone? Of Frankie, of Mack.. she just couldn't seem to make up her mind. But then again, that was most of the problem now.

There was no sense in denying it. Looking into her eyes, smiling at her, even in the darkness. She loved Frankie, loved her desperately, but could it be so wild to love Mackenzie? She had always been there for her, and she really did say the nicest things.. when she wasn't being disgusting, she was just perfect. Almost perfect except for the fact that whenever Tatum thought about Frankie, her stomach twisted painfully in guilt again. Frankie said mean things, but she still loved her, still wanted to make it work with her. Didn't she? Just yesterday, she was sure she would have laid down her life for the brunette. Today was the same, but would she do it if it meant she had to get up out of this bed right now? Break this embrace, take away the calming thump of her friend's heart? She honestly wasn't sure.

"I am pathetic," she decided, trying not to give any reaction to the nickname, though it did cause the briefest skip in her pulse. No one would hear them, it was just them, hushed voices in the darkness. They could get away with it, just for tonight. When they needed it. "But you're like, my numero uno, too. I didn't know what to do without you, it was like.. Teagan was being cute and I was going to text you, then I was like.. oh wait, I can't.. and then I went to McD's, and you couldn't come, and I was like-- so fucking bored," she explained, trailing off and biting her lip slightly as Mackenzie lightly prodded her, making her squirm a bit.

"We're just bros for life. We just like.. get shit, right?" she whispered, lifting her eyes again to meet Mack's briefly before looking away. She reached out cautiously, seeking the blonde's nearest hands, tangling their fingers awkwardly together. "You're full of shit though, you'd totally get sick of me.. what if I like, start being really clingy? You hate clingy bitches," she joked.

	From: porcelinaofvast	Date: June 4th, 2011 04:25 am (UTC)		(Link)

When Mack pulled her into the fierce hug, holding her tightly against the blonde's body, Tatum only made a brief squeak of surprise before settling in. She almost protested the blanket, thinking only of how it would look in the morning, but gave up any fight she had left. Like laying outside of the blanket, cheek to cheek, holding hands was any better. If she was going to do the time, she might as well have done the crime. Her eyes closed, face resting under her friend's chin, listening to her heartbeat more steadily now. Each squeeze of her body made her crack a little smile, just a touch wider each time.

She laughed when Mack did, lifting her head long enough to open up and roll her eyes. "Jump my bones? Did you really just say that?" the redhead asked, eyebrows knitted together in mock confusion. When Mack suggested punching Frankie again, Tatum's face immediately switched to panic more, her eyebrows raising and furrowing higher on her forehead. "No!" she protested, squeezing the hand that she held, and reaching out to grab her side with her free hand, as if that would hold her in place if Mackenzie really decided to try to get away from her. "She was just-- I know she does, she must, like we.. it's been so long and I.. I mean, it was my fault I.."

Trailing off from her ramble, the red haired girl bit her lip, face burying under Mack's chin again. "I told her that we kissed. That's why she-- was saying things like that.. I should never h-have said anything, I just wanted to.. be honest, you know? I should have fucking k-known better."

	From: notonyourteam	Date: June 4th, 2011 05:31 am (UTC)		(Link)

“You’re definitely different then everyone else,” She mumbled, smiling softly to herself. The girl was certainly something different, in the best way possible. She didn’t that anyone except for maybe Kia had been able to break past her defenses this much without getting a fist to the face. “You’re amazing Tat, I trust you.” She wanted to say more but she decided just to leave it at that, Tatum knew her well enough to know how much her trust was worth.

She could sense that the redhead had been upset by her story, hell she was still kind of upset about it. It was in the past however, and despite her mother’s blatant disapproval of her sexuality, she still treated Mackenzie as he daughter. Or at least as much as she had before the whole incident. Kate had never really talked about it again, choosing to act like it had never happened. “Are you okay?” she asked quietly, not really sure what part of the story had upset Tatum. “It was really awful at the time, I wont deny that. But it wasn’t the end of the world either. Sure Abi was my first, but that didn’t mean she’d be my only love. I still love Abi dearly, we even talk from time to time, but we’ve both grown up so much since then. We’re different people now, and I’m glad I had my time with her, you know? There are so many things I have to thank her for.”

“Kate….is just Kate,” Mackenzie shrugged, she wasn’t sure why she was defending her mother. She had been awful at the time, she still was to the blonde sometimes. But it wasn’t like Mackenzie had tried to make an effort to help her mother understand, she jut made and effort to get under the woman’s skin. “One day, maybe, we’ll talk about it. And things will get sorted out, but I don’t think that time is now.”

Mackenzie let out a small laugh as Tatum rambled on about how much they had missed out on in the last few days. Cute cat pictures and runs to Mickey Dee’s? They were the insignificant things she loved about the girl, they were just so purely them. “I’m just entertainment for you?” She asked in mock disbelief. She knew what Tatum meant, she had been tearing her nails out at Hunter’s all week. While she did have a good time with the blonde, she just wasn’t Tatum.

As Tatum tangled their fingers together and declared their bro status, Mack could almost hear Hunter’s voice in her head again, saying something crude about Mack being jerked around. Things like this always made her unsure about how the redhead actually felt. There were times when she was almost positive that Tatum felt the same, that she understood how much Mack truly loved her. Then there were times like these, when she so firmly and blatantly cock blocked the blonde. She was driving herself crazy trying to read the girl, Hunter always asked her why she didn’t just make a move. The reason was that she could never figure out if she should or not.

“I so wouldn’t get tired of you,” she shot back, squeezing Tatum’s hand. She knew she always pissed and moaned about clingy bitches, but once again, Tatum was the only exception to her firm rule about the clingy ones. She actually liked it when Tatum did it, it made her feel important. “I haven’t yet have I? I was serious when I said I didn’t know what to do without you this past week. I just sat there on Hunter’s floor and listened to my Ipod, barely moved at all.

“Yeah, jump your bones. Have you looked in a mirror lately Tot? You’re sexy as hell,” She just smiled, trying to resist the urge to wink coyly at the redhead. Instead she just kept her expression as neutral as possible, her smile turning into a small frown as Tatum grabbed her side. Maybe she should get anger management or something. “I was kidding Tat, don’t worry.” She squeezed the girls hand and planted a light kiss on her forehead. “I won’t lay a finger on that girl ever again, unless given express permission from you of course.”

	From: notonyourteam	Date: June 4th, 2011 05:33 am (UTC)		(Link)

She just pulled the redhead a little closer to her and played with the ends of her hair. Tatum was a good person, trying to be honest with her girl like that. Mack had always been hones if the situation called for it but she couldn’t say she had never lied to get a girl in bed. Sometimes she wondered if maybe it was totally wrong of her to want to be with Tatum. She felt like the girl deserved better sometimes. “That was really honorable of you to do Tatum. You’re probably the best person at this school because of that.”

She really wanted to ask Tatum about the kiss, but she didn’t know how. What exactly was she supposed to ask anyway? How did it feel? Did I have garlic breath? How was she supposed to even breach the topic? Unless of course, she kissed her again.

	From: porcelinaofvast	Date: June 4th, 2011 12:56 pm (UTC)		(Link)

"You can always trust me," Tatum assured her quietly, wanting to just leave it at that. Whatever momentarily lapse she had experienced in judgement, it was over now. She couldn't leave Mackenzie, she had tried and it was far too hard. There just wasn't any way that she could pull it off. The blonde's emotional admissions weren't helping either. Her heart felt like it had a constant skip in it, jumping in her chest every time Mack said something particularly sweet, or even brushed up against her.

She managed a little sniffle, reaching up one hand to rub her eyes absently, cracking a weak little smile. "I'm fine, it just-- it's kind of stupid, but that's like, you pretty much just looked inside of me right now and f-found this thing, I'm l-like.. most scared of. T-That's exactly the kind of shit I'm so s-scared of. I can't even look my own parents in the e-eye anymore, and I just.. I don't know. Frankie thinks I should tell them. I think she was mad that I d-didn't and now she like.. doesn't e-even care, she's just so over it, and I like wasted m-my chance to tell them cause I was just scared," Tatum explained, trailing off to wipe her eyes again as they were already swelling up with tears all over again.

"L-Like parents are supposed to love you unconditionally, right? But like, they can only t-take so much. I'm a-already a shitty student beside Sera, so n-n-now I'll be stupid and gay!" she managed, squeezing Mackenzie's hand tightly as she spoke. She tilted her head back a bit, hoping the tears would just go away, wouldn't actually slide down her face. She never really talked to anyone, outside of Sera, about the fears she had so associated with their parents. Loving and generally accepting as they were, they were pretty traditional and serious people. There was no way Tatum could even imagine how to word her coming out, let alone actually go through with it.

What did she say? What did she do? And even once she figured all of that technical bullshit out, even if it was perfect, what if they flipped? She didn't think she could handle seeing Frankie, or any other girl she cared about, dragged out of her house. She was pretty sure it would kill her; Mack was even stronger than she had realized to have dealt with that. Tatum was sure she would just shut down, possibly die alone for fear of ever dating again.

"She still t-talks to you though. Right? She doesn't t-totally.. hate you, I mean. I think my dad would. I think h-he'd definitely hate me," she muttered, her face pressing into Mack's sweater, burying against it softly. She was getting a few tears on it, but she didn't think the blonde would mind. The sweater smelled even more like Old Spice, and that amused her, making her crack a smile despite herself. Even with emotional topics on the table, she was so glad to be back with her best friend, talking to her, being beside her, just being around her. "You're very entertaining. I won't like.. be bored anymore. I still like.. have that whole series box-set of Buffy that Rath got me for our birthday. We never watched that yet," she suggested, still managing a little smile. "Sarah Michelle Gellar really gets her sexy on in that show, like.. goddamn."

	From: porcelinaofvast	Date: June 4th, 2011 12:57 pm (UTC)		(Link)

When Mackenzie spoke again, it broke the humorous mood Tatum had been trying to bring them back to, and she felt that tense feeling in her chest again, the butterflies in her stomach. She almost wanted to punch herself in the gut to make them stop. "S-Sexy? Uhm, I don't.. is that a new synonym for painfully awkward?" she asked. Had Mack really been the same as her? Locked away in the same place, just moping around? She had never seen Mackenzie caught up over a girl, and still the idea seemed to foreign to her. She didn't get why. She had no doubt the blonde would get tired of her bullshit eventually, but it was nice of her to try not to. Everyone did eventually. Frankie did, and Mack was just a matter of time.

"I'm glad you won't t-though.. beat her up, I mean.. cause like, I don't know if I could t-take you down like that again," the redhead admitted, cheeks flushing a bit in the darkness as she lifted her head to look at Mack. "That was a total fluke, you let me get you down," she added, corners of her mouth twitching slightly as Mack toyed with the ends of her hair. She tilted her head a bit, cheek brushing up against the older girl's fingers. "I'm not a good person. If I was a good person, then I wouldn't like.. have had anything to come clean about," she murmured.

"Definitely not the best person in the school," the redhead confirmed. If she was a good person, a good girlfriend, she wouldn't even be back in this position. She wouldn't be so close to the blonde, trying to keep as close to her as she could get. She swallowed thickly, tucking her head away under Mackenzie's chin again, and burying her face close against her shoulder, listening for that heart beat again. "If I w-was honest and good, then you w-wouldn't be here," she admitted, swallowing again and tipping her head a bit, pressing her lips against the side of Mack's neck, feeling the pulse there. It made her own pulse race like crazy. "D-Don't go though, okay?"

	From: notonyourteam	Date: June 4th, 2011 05:12 pm (UTC)		(Link)

Mackenzie frowned as Tatum spoke about her biggest fear, it killed her to think about the little redhead obsessing over such a terrible thing. She had been worried when she had started dating Abigail that Kate wouldn’t approve, but she mostly kept if from her mother so she wouldn’t have to deal with the meltdown. Adam had found out much in the same way, except they had only made to heavy petting on his couch when he walked through the door. Her father had just laughed and told them to get a room before walking back towards his office. All in all though, she knew how much the redhead’s parents meant to her, and how much the girl could loose.

“Babe, it’s not stupid,” She reassured the redhead, hugging her tightly. There was that damn word again, just slipping out of her mouth. She was pretty sure that was why she had made up so many different little nicknames for the redhead. If she had a cutesy but friendly nickname to blurt out in its place, then she wouldn’t let things like that slip. Of course, now that everything had happened it was just impossible to censor herself anymore. “And you’re not stupid either. But you’re totally gay, and there’s nothing wrong with that.”

“Sorry,” She mumbled quietly. “Anyway, it’s like, a legit fear, okay? I never really had a great relationship with my mom so it wasn’t as big a deal for me, it was just another reason to hate her. But I know how awesome and loving your parents are. I know how much you would die if they ever did anything like that to you.” She pulled the redhead a little closer, rubbing her back comfortingly. “You don’t have to tell them until you’re ready. Like, even if they do find out before then, you’re never alone, got it? You can always come to my place, Kate will barely notice and Kia adores you. She’d love to have someone who actually cares to ramble about being a mediwitch to.”

“If your dad like, ever hates you because of who you are, then I’ll go talk to him.” She said firmly, squeezing Tatum lightly. She wouldn’t let Tatum end up losing her parents, especially not because of who she loved. She was sure that Mr. Donnelly would come around, even if he was upset to begin with. “I’m sure with some convincing he would come around if he wasn’t okay with it right from the start. He’s a good guy, your dad. I mean, even Kate came around eventually. Not that she ever said it to my face, but she stopped making cutting comments a while ago and just gives me looks sometimes. Quite an improvement, although I suspect that Kia might have said something.”

She just laughed and nodded in agreement when Tatum started going off about Buffy. It would be one of those things that she would watch just because Tatum got so excited about it but probably get really into it in the end. That always happened when they ended up watching the nerdy things that Tatum enjoyed, Mack wasn’t sure which part she enjoyed more about watching them. The actual show, or seeing Tatum revert into the nerdy little freshman she had made friends with. The same one who would play World of Warcraft for three days straight and not leave her desk. Even if Tatum thought she was awkward, there was just something about the girl that Mackenzie found sexy, WoW and all. She couldn’t really explain it to the redhead though, especially not without making her feel awkward, so she decided to let the subject drop.

	From: notonyourteam	Date: June 4th, 2011 05:12 pm (UTC)		(Link)

“Well, I did let you hit me,” she admitted, although she was sure that Tatum already knew that. “I didn’t expect you to get me down like that though. Good job, by the way. That was a smart move.” She grinned at Tatum, she had been so proud when the girl had knocked her over like that. “And you have a wicked left hook Tat, I think I’m still a little bruised from it. I don‘t think I want to get beat up by you again any time soon, learned my lesson.”

She was going to tell Tatum that at least she was honest about what she needed to come clean about, and that still made her a pretty good person. Or at least someone with good intent. It was true though, she wouldn’t have been able to be this intimate with the redhead if she was truly one hundred percent with Frankie. Mackenzie wanted to ask why she had let her do this then, why did Tatum continue to allow her to called her “babe” and hold her like this? Why did she let her kiss her on the forehead and return the favor? Why did she then say they were bros, after tangling their fingers together? It just didn’t add up for the blonde, she was confused as hell. There were just too many mixed signals.

That was when she felt the kiss on her neck, and her brain stopped asking so many questions. She bit her lip, feeling the redhead’s lips on her bare neck, she was trying really hard not to let Tatum know how much that little thing had effected her. A small whimper escaped her lips, and she hoped to god that Tatum hadn’t heard it. She was sure that the redhead did however, it was dead silent in the room. Her heart was pounding out of her chest, and her self control was hanging by a thread.

“Tatum,” She warned, swallowing roughly. She was trying to formulate the words to tell the redhead that she couldn’t do that, because then she would have to kiss her and she didn’t think she’d be able to stop this time. But what if Tatum really did want her to kiss her? Could she honestly look back at this moment and not regret making a move on the redhead? Hunter kept telling her just to go take what was hers or forget about it.

She had to know for sure if there was anything in this for her redheaded friend, she could forget about it and move on if there wasn’t, but if there was? She shifted back so she could look at the redhead, cupping her cheek with her hand. This was becoming all too familiar, at least this time Tatum hadn’t hit her. Yet.

Rubbing her thumb across Tatum’s cheek, she looked into her eyes searching desperately for an answer to all of her questions. “I’m going to kiss you now, okay?” She said quietly, scooting so she was a little bit closer to the redhead. She pulled Tatum’s face to hers and pressed her lips to the other girls, praying that Tatum wouldn’t push her away. She wasn’t sure if she could handle it if she did.

	From: porcelinaofvast	Date: June 4th, 2011 06:30 pm (UTC)		(Link)

Tatum barely even flinched when Mack called her babe again, just exhaling heavily against the blonde's neck, eyes still closed. The hug felt nice, and she was limp to it, just wanting to be held and comforted. She didn't know how their roles had switched back to normal again, but this felt much more natural. She was supposed to be the weak one, and Mack would keep her strong. The redhead had been a fool to think it could be any other way. "Okay, I guess I-I'm like.. not that stupid. But the gay thing isn't exactly like, fireworks and confetti in my family," she muttered sullenly.

The hand rubbing over her back calmed her down significantly, and she relaxed even more into the arms around her body. "You'd smuggle me into your house?" she asked curiously, chin resting onto the blonde's shoulder as she spoke. Mack's house was an extravagant jump from the modest home that her own family lived in. It might be nice to wake and bake poolside. If her parents kicked her out, at least her whole existence wouldn't have to be pathetic. There would still be weed and the gated community in upstate New York to look forward to. And Kia was a generally a nicer sister than Sera had ever been on any given day. "I guess that wouldn't be so bad," she relented. It was still scary to think about coming out to her parents, but it was good to know she wouldn't be entirely homeless or something. Shit like that happened all of the time to people.

She knew if push came to shove, Mack really would fight for her. She'd bring her home even if Kate did say 'no' to it, and Tatum knew she would get her way, probably with Kia's help. Mack really would probably go and try to reason with her father, if it ever came to that. It brought that ache into her chest again, the indecision tearing at her all over again. This was her best friend, and she didn't know why she was getting so sappy, except that she knew exactly why. That was the part that was the worst. She might have constantly shrugged off Mackenzie's advances as if they were poison, but there was no sense in denying her attachment to the girl. More so, her attraction to her.

The idea that Mack could feel anything for her, the way she claimed, still seemed like fiction. How could something like that be true? Girls like Mack didn't fall for people, and they certainly didn't fall for plain-jane little redheads with no social skills. Tatum had always admired Mackenzie, maybe even tried to learn by a few of her examples. Her affection for sunglasses had come from the girl at least. But before Frankie, she had admired Mackenzie in an entirely different way. That first year, that freshman year, she would have dropped dead to get the time of day from Mack.

Date after date, she was the friend, listening and scrunching up her face in all of the right parts of the story. Telling the other girl she was gross became habit during this time. Never, back then, could she ever imagine them where they were now. When they had grown up? When had Mack decided she was this amazing saint of a person? Most of all, when did she stop noticing all of the amazing things about her own best friend? How did she let things get so messed up? Things were a mess, and knowing what she wanted seemed like a lengthy task.

Tatum was pulled out of her reverie when Mack admitted to throwing the fight, as if Tatum didn't already realize that. She cracked a wide smile and gave the front of the blonde girl's hoodie a little yank. "You fucking jerk off," she chided, although the praise felt nice. It wasn't like a move she pulled in a fist fight was something she got complimented on often. "I fuckin' showed you.. but I learn from the best, right?" she joked, reaching her hand up to brush across the cheek she had gone after in the fight. She hadn't noticed a bruise in the darkness, but if there was even a hint of one in the morning, she would heal it. Whether Mackenzie wanted her to or not, it was as irrelevent as ever.