From: porcelinaofvast	Date: May 26th, 2011 02:06 am (UTC)		(Link)

She was getting up now, pushing herself away from Mackenzie and quickly scrambling up to her feet. She was shaking, but she tried to contain it, standing to her full height, trying to get angry again and failing. "I love her, and I told.. I t-told her she was it for me. She is the only girl I see, and now you're-- I can't do this to her. I can't rip myself in two and make you both happy! I don't know what to fucking do!"

It was all coming out now, familiar anxious word-vomit. There was no sense hiding it. Mackenzie had probably understood her reasoning the whole time. "I don't know what to fucking do to make her happy and I can't.. you can't just kiss me and fuck with my head like that! She said you liked me, she said Sera said you liked me, but I didn't believe them. I thought, like.. that's crazy, right? Why? I just can't do it. I can't be in between you guys, it's gunna kill me. I love her, I love you and you're my best friend, and I- I hate me because I can't make everyone happy."

She was making her way back to the bench now, sitting back down on it, lifting up her hands up; face pressing into her open palms as she began to cry harder, shoulders shaking with her sobs. Why did having two gorgeous girls fighting over her have to hurt so bad? It was never like this in the movies. Everything was just supposed to fall into place. Nerd gets girl, lives happily ever after. Except it could never be that easy.

	From: notonyourteam	Date: May 26th, 2011 03:11 am (UTC)		(Link)

Mackenzie could have sworn the world was standing still as she kissed Tatum, she felt warm inside, warm and safe. She could feel Tatum kissing her back and her stomach fluttered. She never dreamed that Tatum would actually kiss her back, and yet here they were. As quickly as the kiss started, it was over and Tatum was pulling away from her. She sat there slightly dazed as the redhead girl freaked out, she wasn’t really sure what to do with herself now. She had put herself on the line, let down her walls completely for the redhead. She felt emotionally raw, she wiped her eyes roughly, her tears had subsided slightly.
She stood up and walked over to where the redhead had collapsed on the bench. A whole new stream of tears began flowing down her face, the girl looked so sad. She knew how torn Tatum must be, she knew how much the little redhead tried to please everyone. She instantly felt awful all over again for putting Tatum in this situation. She just couldn’t keep it from her anymore, it was either tell her or have to fight her back.

She knelt down and wrapped her arms around the girls shaking form. Her frame shaking gently with her own sobs, she felt so extremely bad. She felt bad for putting Tatum in that situation when she had promised herself she wouldn’t. She felt bad for herself because she knew that she would tell Tatum to stay with Frankie. She pulled back slightly and brushed back the girls hair from her face gently.

“Hey,” she said softly, sniffing slightly. She kissed Tatum’s forehead softly, and rubbed the girls back. She wanted to ask the girl if she really did love her, but now wasn’t the time. “Please don’t cry Tatum, it breaks my heart to see you sad. It’ll be okay, you don’t have to choose, okay?” Her tears were back again, but they were silent this time. “You’re going to stay with Frankie if that’s what makes you happy, okay? I’m not going anywhere,” She rested her forehead against the other girls and took a deep breath. “You remember what I told you when we first became friends?”

It had been later on, after the detention incident had passed. Mackenzie had been trying to get the nervous freshman to relax around her, but it had proven more difficult than she had anticipated.

“You don’t have to keep hanging around you know,” She had told Mackenzie one day when the blonde had tagged along to the library. “I know you have all of your jock friends, and I’m not exactly popular. I don’t want to be like, your charity case.”

“I told you, that it didn’t matter to me who you were,” She reminded the redhead, her forehead still resting against Tatum’s, eyes closed. “That you would probably have to kill me to get rid of me, because I would always be there for you. I meant it Tatum, you don’t have to choose between Frankie and I because I’m sticking around either way. I love you and I just want you to be happy, even if it’s not with me.”

She could literally feel her heart shattering in her chest, but it was the right thing to do. As much as she wanted to push the situation to turn out in her favor, she didn’t want to lose her best friend in the process. This was why she didn’t do attachment, things always went to shit eventually. People got divorced, broke up, cheated on one another, or whatever. She didn’t want to feel the pain it caused, it was just too much.

She kissed Tatum’s forehead one more time, and squeezed the girls shoulder. She had to get away from the redhead, it was killing her slowly to be this close to her right now. Standing up shakily, she retrieved her sweatshirt and sunglasses from where she had tossed them earlier. She hoped that Hunter was in her room, she couldn’t be in hers, it had too many memories.

“I’m gonna go,” she said quietly, choking up all over again. She was glad she had her sunglasses with her. No one would ever believe that Mackenzie Dubinsky was crying over a girl. “Um…I’ll see you later okay?”

	From: porcelinaofvast	Date: May 26th, 2011 04:37 am (UTC)		(Link)

Tatum didn't think she was going to be able to stop crying, but within a few moments, she had relaxed easily into Mackenzie's embrace. Still sobbing, she kept her face pressed tight to the blonde's shoulder, looking up only when forced, closing her eyes tightly as her forehead was kissed. It was a lot to take it, and it was a lot to think about. Things wouldn't be easy from here on out, with things so out in the open between them, and then Frankie factored in as well. Sort of like an elephant under a tablecloth, were they just supposed to act like this never happened? She knew she couldn't, and it only made her cry harder.

She listened to what Mack said to her, nodding her head just the slightest bit in agreement when she was questioned about that day in the library. She remembered it well, the weird look she had given the blonde, that nonchalant smile from behind sunglasses that she got in return. They had laughed, but it had meant a lot to her. No one had ever said anything like that to her before. It was sort of weird, but sort of awesome. She hadn't really thought about it in years, but now it felt like yesterday. The first year they had been friends had been the best. It was only a few years ago, but it felt like decades. What she wouldn't have given to be a carefree and clueless freshman again.

When Mack pulled away from her and stood, going to get her things, Tatum watched her closely with a slightly trembling lip. She wanted to be strong, just let it go, but it wasn't easy. This whole fight had been a ridiculous idea, and she cursed herself for ever getting it into her head that it was a good one. It had been terrible, she hadn't proved a point, hadn't defended Frankie, hadn't even landed a half-decent punch. It was all a waste, and on top of that, now there was this unspeakable moment of weakness between them and the awkwardness she could already feel settling in the air.

She knew she would stay with Frankie, wanted to be with her, loved her desperately. As long as Frankie would have her, she would be there. But how long could she keep this from her? Keep acting like she didn't know everything now? How long before she would have to tell her that she had kissed Mack? She wanted nothing more than to run to her own room and hide until graduation. She didn't think she could deal with the pressure of it all coming down on her head.

She wanted Mack to stop, especially when she saw her choking up again, and she began to do the same. Her lips were trembling, and she bit hard onto the bottom one, trying to stop it, and trying to calm herself. Her hands, balled into fists in her lap, struggled to stay stationary.

"Do you remember that movie I made you watch? After Brittany Murphy died? I said it was one of the best things she ever did?" she asked casually, although her voice was thick from crying, and she sniffling afterward. She asked as if Mack hadn't announced she was going to walk away; she was pretending she didn't hear it. If she didn't acknowledge her, Mack couldn't just leave her here. "Do you remember my favorite part?"

It was desperation again, her brain trying to think up something, anything, to keep them talking this out. She didn't care if Mack really remembered, wasn't sure she even would; she had probably made the older girl watch a thousand movies during their friendship. And this one hadn't been a particularly special viewing. But it was one of Tatum's favorites, and the quote had always stuck with her.

"Sometimes we.. love people so much that we have to be numb to it. Because if we actually felt how much we love them, it would kill us. That doesn't make you a bad person. It just means your heart is too big," she recited the line carefully, sniffling again. "That's me and you. And me and her. If you knew how much I actually.. Mack, I can't even explain it. Y-You're both everything to me and I don't know what to do," she managed, inhaling sharply in an attempt to stave off more tears.

"I wish I could be numb to it, cause then it wouldn't b-be so.. fucking hard."

	From: notonyourteam	Date: May 26th, 2011 05:11 am (UTC)		(Link)

Mackenzie wished that Tatum had just let her walk away, she was extremely close to losing it. She wished that she could just turn around at that point and walk away from the redhead. It was the least painful thing to do, run away. Maybe that was her father’s thinking when he left them. Maybe her mother was right, she was too much like her father sometimes. But she stayed rooted to the spot, nodding numbly when Tatum asked her about the movie. Of course she remembered that movie, she remembered almost every single thing that her and Tatum had ever done together. She had tons of stupid picture’s pinned around her desk of her and the redhead.

Her defenses were starting to nag at the back of her mind, telling her to lash out at the redhead, to keep her at arms length. What the hell had she been thinking? Telling Tatum her deepest, darkest secret. It hadn’t really made anything better, it hadn’t changed anything, it just made things awkward between the two of them. It changed everything.

There would always be a her, there would always be Frankie, Mackenzie felt stupid thinking that there wouldn’t be. That maybe, just maybe, things could change. Frankie was right about her being pathetic, waiting around for someone she couldn’t have. She couldn’t even look at the redhead at the moment, instead studying the grass under her shoes. She needed to walk away, she needed Hunter.

“You know what to do Tatum,” She said, her voice rough from all the crying. Not that it had stopped, she wondered if she could ever get it to stop now that it had started. She had kept it all welled up inside her for so long. “And you know what you’re going to do. And that’s alright, okay? Really, don’t worry about me. I’ll be fine, we‘ll all be fine.” She knew she wouldn’t be, but she had to get the redhead to believe that she would. Tatum would kill herself over worrying about her and she didn’t want to be a burden on the redhead.

She walked over to the miserable redhead and cupped the girls cheek once again. “Hey, you should cheer up Tater Tot,” she said, forcing a smile onto her face. She ran her thumb over the smooth skin of the girls cheek, wiping some of the tears away. She had to be strong for both of them, she had sworn to protect the redhead, even if it was from herself. “You’re so pretty when you smile.” She kissed the girl’s cheek and straightened up, it was time to walk away now. She wouldn’t be able to hold it together much longer.

She ruffled the mess of red hair and turned away from the redhead, making her way across the Quidditch pitch slowly. Her legs felt like lead as she walked and she really wanted nothing more than to turn around and race right back to Tatum. She hoped that the girl knew she wasn’t abandoning her, she just couldn’t handle it anymore today. She needed a break, needed to get away for a while. She needed to figure out what the hell she was going to do, and she couldn’t do that with Tatum sitting right in front of her.