From: porcelinaofvast	Date: May 25th, 2011 06:25 pm (UTC)		(Link)

Tatum accepted the criticism with silent resignation, trying to keep her face straight and serious as she stared at Mackenzie, listening to the blonde speak. "That was just a test," she insisted, fists still up, still balled tightly. But now with the thumbs outside, just like she was told. "I can fucking hit you, don't think I won't!" she yelled, face flushing with color. Anger, rather than embarrassment.

When Mackenzie called her a pussy again, Tatum closed her eyes tightly and just moved forward, giving Mack another shove. She used both of her hands this time, hitting both of the older girl's shoulders, having to stand on her tip-toes in just the slightest to give it more force. She was pleasantly surprised with the stumble that resulted, and she went with the momentum, bringing Mack down to the ground and going with her. "I might be a pussy, but you're a fucking asshole," she hissed, glaring down at the blonde from above her as she pulled her fist back.

She hesitated, her eyes meeting Mack's, before she quickly adverted them. Letting her fist fly, she hit Mack's face finally, the punch hitting her cheek and sliding off. "Fight back!" the redhead shouted, grabbing fistfuls of the front of the older girl's shirt.

	From: notonyourteam	Date: May 25th, 2011 06:52 pm (UTC)		(Link)

Mackenzie was a bit shocked when Tatum pushed her hard enough to take them both down to the ground. She hadn’t expected the girl to actually get her down and sit on her. She was actually pretty proud of the little redhead, knocking her to the ground was a smart decision in terms of a fist fight. Although Tatum’s glare scared her slightly, she had never seen so much anger on the girl’s face. She really didn’t like that it was directed at her but it was exactly what she had been going for.

The small flicker of hesitation was almost enough to cause Mackenzie to hope that maybe despite everything that had happened, Tatum wouldn’t actually hit her. She wanted to tell her that this violent, angry girl wasn’t her. She didn’t have to do this, she was better than this. She braced herself for the fist that was soon to follow though, she wouldn’t stop the redhead from doing what she wanted.

She felt the girls hit her cheek bone, that was going to leave a nasty bruise. It wasn’t as bad as some of the punches that Hunter had landed on her in the past but it still stung. It still made her sad that this was what resulted from her actions.

She just stared blankly at the redhead again as the girl screamed at her to fight back, letting her shake her around by her T-shirt. “No,” She said calmly, she wasn’t really sure what kind of point she was trying to prove at this point but she wouldn’t hit the redhead. She would rather die then lay a violent hand on that girl.

“Seriously? Was that it?“ She spat, glaring at the girl, daring her to hit her again. “Jesus Christ, that didn’t even fucking hurt. You‘re going to have to do better than that bitch.”

	From: porcelinaofvast	Date: May 26th, 2011 12:05 am (UTC)		(Link)

"Just fucking fight me!" Tatum shouted again, giving Mack another violent shake against the ground by her shirt. She felt the girl's head thump the ground a bit and immediately felt bad, but kept herself straight faced, just staring down at her. "No one is going to believe I fucking beat you, they're just.. y-you're not even trying! If I beat you, everyone is gunna know you j-just let me win," she pleaded in a harsh whisper, surprisingly herself with the desperation of her tone.

She released Mackenzie's shirt, and lifted her head, quickly using a hand to rub over her face. Goddamnit, she couldn't start crying or doing something stupid. This was exactly why no one took her seriously. Things got tough, and she cried. Even now she could feel it building, aching in the back of the throat as she tried to keep it trapped inside.

"Don't you want to punch me too? Don't you really just, Mack? Cause I'm kind of being a cunt, too. I'm not being a very good friend," she suggested, lowering her head to stare at the blonde once more. She pulled back her hand, landing an open palm slap across Mack's face. The sound seemed to echo, and it shocked her. She immediately pulled back her hand again.

"I love that fucking cunt and you hate her and if you hate her, you can't have me. So like, if we have to just.. beat each other up and get this over with, let's fucking do it. Fight me back."

	From: notonyourteam	Date: May 26th, 2011 01:24 am (UTC)		(Link)

Mackenzie grunted slightly as she felt the back of her head hit the ground. She was trying really hard not to look at Tatum, she knew that if she did it would break the calm she was trying so desperately to keep. If she didn’t look the girl in the eye she wouldn’t see the pain that she was causing, she wouldn’t see how torn the girl was all because of her big mouth. Maybe Tatum was better off with Frankie.

She was so caught up in thought that she looked up in surprise when Tatum released her shirt. She instantly regretted her decision as she watched the younger girl scrub furiously at her face. She remembered when her and Tatum had first become friends, she had found the little redheaded freshman sniffling in a deserted hallway. Some older kid had decided to harass her for something or another, she couldn’t quite remember now. At first she was just mad that someone could do something so insensitive to another human being. But after approaching the redheaded girl and looking into those teary eyes, she had instantly promised herself she would never, ever, make that little redhead cry. She had ended up beating the bully to a pulp and getting a week of detention but it had all been worth it when she had exited her first night of detention to find the same little redhead standing nervously in the hallway waiting for her.

Tatum had mumbled a nervous thank you and to the blonde’s amusement, had launched into an apology for getting the older girl in trouble. Mack had stopped her halfway through that long winded ramble and smiled at her. It was the first time since she had transferred that she had actually smiled at anyone.

“You don’t have to worry about bullies anymore, you know why?” She had told the girl, squeezing her shoulder. The redhead had shook her head furiously, too flustered to get two words out. “Because you have me now, and I’ll make sure that no one will ever hurt you again.”

The slap across her face brought her out of her memory, and she felt her neck snap to the side from it’s force. Her eyes were watering slightly, and she wanted to believe that it was only from Tatum hitting her.

“I love that fucking cunt,” she heard Tatum say, she hadn’t moved her head from where it lay yet. She didn’t really feel like she could move at that point, the pain in her chest was too intense. “And you hate her.” She heard Tatum continue, tears were running down her face now. She couldn’t even remember the last time she cried, it was so strange and foreign. It was starting to scare her. “And if you hate her, you can’t have me.”

Mackenzie didn’t hear the rest, the rest didn’t matter to her anymore. She had fucking lost it, any last bit of self control had just flown out the window. She couldn’t stop the tears streaming down her face as pushed herself into a sitting position so she was face to face with the girl sitting on top of her. Placing a finger against the girls lips to ensure that she stayed quiet, she took a deep shuddering breath. She was pretty sure that no one had ever seen her this vulnerable besides Kia.

“I don’t hate her,” She said hoarsely, trying to even out her ragged breathing. She had forgotten how much crying really sucked when you were trying to say something. She looked at Tatum through blurry eyes, and smiled weakly. “I really don’t. I just….I…I just love you.” Her heart was hammering in her chest, she really hoped that what she was doing wasn’t going to ruin everything. She cupped the girls face with her hand and let out a watery laugh.

“I just fucking love you Tatum Donnelly.” She repeated, her voice slightly more confident now. “I am so sorry,” She whispered as she pulled Tatum’s face to hers and kissed her softly. She hoped that she hadn’t just opened Pandora’s box, but it felt damn good to lay it all out. Whatever happened next, she was ready.

	From: porcelinaofvast	Date: May 26th, 2011 02:05 am (UTC)		(Link)

Tatum just stared at Mackenzie after the slap, waiting for the older girl to react, do something. She didn't seem like she was going to do much of anything. She was just laying there, totally listless, totally unlike the sophomore in shining armor that had saved her for that first time. It felt like forever ago now, but she could still feel Mackenzie's hand on her shoulder, that firm squeeze, and the little smile they had exchanged that evening.

She had been so embarrassed. People picked on her all of the time, and it was mostly because she was an easy target. People could pick on her, because she just put her head down and let it happen. Things hadn't changed that much since then, she still kept her tail between her legs if push came to shove in normal circumstance, but they had changed. How had they gotten from there to here? Best friends, trying to beat each other senseless over a girl. It was almost boorish, but there was no going back now.

She couldn't recall what Mackenzie had even saved her from that first time. Or the second. Had someone knocked her books out of her arms again? Put an exploding snap in her backpack? It was too long ago to recall the details now, but she couldn't shake that reassurance, that look Mackenzie had given her back then. She didn't even know her, didn't know that she was just an unpopular freshman, she just helped her. And then stuck around to help her. And this was how she was repaying her.

The redhead bit down hard on the inside of her cheek, trying to stay strong, fighting desperately against an onslaught of tears threatening to slip out. All of this hitting and screaming wasn't her, and although she did love Frankie, wanted Frankie to know she would go up against anyone for her, this wasn't the way to accomplish it. Mack was still laying there, seeming to ignore her still, and she doubted she would get a fight. She just needed to go back to her room and cry it out, just like everything else.

"Fine," she spat, moving to try to get up, when all at once Mack was sitting up and pressing a finger to her lips. Her eyebrows furrowed, but she didn't fight, sitting still and hearing the blonde out on what she needed to say. Was she.. crying? Tatum didn't think she was seeing things right. She found herself squinting at her friend, her words barely computing, as she just stared her in the eyes. Yes, she was definitely crying. It was like the world was flipped upside down. They were here like this, fighting each other, and now Mack was crying. It had to be some kind of trip.

She let Mack cup her face, trying to understand the intensity of what the older girl was saying to her. They had always been close, always joked, but love was a big word. Tears were a big gesture. Tatum could practically feel herself being pulled, immediately torn, and knowing her own tears weren't going to stay away for much longer. "You can't," she tried to whisper breathlessly, feeling her leaning in, knowing what was coming, but then Mack was already kissing her.

God help her, she was kissing her back.

Pulling back after far too many seconds, Tatum was crying for real now, the flow of tears slipping over her cheeks in two distinct streams. "W-We cannot do this," she managed, her eyes wide, trembling. "We.. I can't do this. You're selfish! You can't just--"

	From: porcelinaofvast	Date: May 26th, 2011 02:06 am (UTC)		(Link)

She was getting up now, pushing herself away from Mackenzie and quickly scrambling up to her feet. She was shaking, but she tried to contain it, standing to her full height, trying to get angry again and failing. "I love her, and I told.. I t-told her she was it for me. She is the only girl I see, and now you're-- I can't do this to her. I can't rip myself in two and make you both happy! I don't know what to fucking do!"

It was all coming out now, familiar anxious word-vomit. There was no sense hiding it. Mackenzie had probably understood her reasoning the whole time. "I don't know what to fucking do to make her happy and I can't.. you can't just kiss me and fuck with my head like that! She said you liked me, she said Sera said you liked me, but I didn't believe them. I thought, like.. that's crazy, right? Why? I just can't do it. I can't be in between you guys, it's gunna kill me. I love her, I love you and you're my best friend, and I- I hate me because I can't make everyone happy."

She was making her way back to the bench now, sitting back down on it, lifting up her hands up; face pressing into her open palms as she began to cry harder, shoulders shaking with her sobs. Why did having two gorgeous girls fighting over her have to hurt so bad? It was never like this in the movies. Everything was just supposed to fall into place. Nerd gets girl, lives happily ever after. Except it could never be that easy.

	From: notonyourteam	Date: May 26th, 2011 03:11 am (UTC)		(Link)

Mackenzie could have sworn the world was standing still as she kissed Tatum, she felt warm inside, warm and safe. She could feel Tatum kissing her back and her stomach fluttered. She never dreamed that Tatum would actually kiss her back, and yet here they were. As quickly as the kiss started, it was over and Tatum was pulling away from her. She sat there slightly dazed as the redhead girl freaked out, she wasn’t really sure what to do with herself now. She had put herself on the line, let down her walls completely for the redhead. She felt emotionally raw, she wiped her eyes roughly, her tears had subsided slightly.
She stood up and walked over to where the redhead had collapsed on the bench. A whole new stream of tears began flowing down her face, the girl looked so sad. She knew how torn Tatum must be, she knew how much the little redhead tried to please everyone. She instantly felt awful all over again for putting Tatum in this situation. She just couldn’t keep it from her anymore, it was either tell her or have to fight her back.

She knelt down and wrapped her arms around the girls shaking form. Her frame shaking gently with her own sobs, she felt so extremely bad. She felt bad for putting Tatum in that situation when she had promised herself she wouldn’t. She felt bad for herself because she knew that she would tell Tatum to stay with Frankie. She pulled back slightly and brushed back the girls hair from her face gently.

“Hey,” she said softly, sniffing slightly. She kissed Tatum’s forehead softly, and rubbed the girls back. She wanted to ask the girl if she really did love her, but now wasn’t the time. “Please don’t cry Tatum, it breaks my heart to see you sad. It’ll be okay, you don’t have to choose, okay?” Her tears were back again, but they were silent this time. “You’re going to stay with Frankie if that’s what makes you happy, okay? I’m not going anywhere,” She rested her forehead against the other girls and took a deep breath. “You remember what I told you when we first became friends?”

It had been later on, after the detention incident had passed. Mackenzie had been trying to get the nervous freshman to relax around her, but it had proven more difficult than she had anticipated.

“You don’t have to keep hanging around you know,” She had told Mackenzie one day when the blonde had tagged along to the library. “I know you have all of your jock friends, and I’m not exactly popular. I don’t want to be like, your charity case.”

“I told you, that it didn’t matter to me who you were,” She reminded the redhead, her forehead still resting against Tatum’s, eyes closed. “That you would probably have to kill me to get rid of me, because I would always be there for you. I meant it Tatum, you don’t have to choose between Frankie and I because I’m sticking around either way. I love you and I just want you to be happy, even if it’s not with me.”

She could literally feel her heart shattering in her chest, but it was the right thing to do. As much as she wanted to push the situation to turn out in her favor, she didn’t want to lose her best friend in the process. This was why she didn’t do attachment, things always went to shit eventually. People got divorced, broke up, cheated on one another, or whatever. She didn’t want to feel the pain it caused, it was just too much.

She kissed Tatum’s forehead one more time, and squeezed the girls shoulder. She had to get away from the redhead, it was killing her slowly to be this close to her right now. Standing up shakily, she retrieved her sweatshirt and sunglasses from where she had tossed them earlier. She hoped that Hunter was in her room, she couldn’t be in hers, it had too many memories.

“I’m gonna go,” she said quietly, choking up all over again. She was glad she had her sunglasses with her. No one would ever believe that Mackenzie Dubinsky was crying over a girl. “Um…I’ll see you later okay?”

	From: porcelinaofvast	Date: May 26th, 2011 04:37 am (UTC)		(Link)

Tatum didn't think she was going to be able to stop crying, but within a few moments, she had relaxed easily into Mackenzie's embrace. Still sobbing, she kept her face pressed tight to the blonde's shoulder, looking up only when forced, closing her eyes tightly as her forehead was kissed. It was a lot to take it, and it was a lot to think about. Things wouldn't be easy from here on out, with things so out in the open between them, and then Frankie factored in as well. Sort of like an elephant under a tablecloth, were they just supposed to act like this never happened? She knew she couldn't, and it only made her cry harder.

She listened to what Mack said to her, nodding her head just the slightest bit in agreement when she was questioned about that day in the library. She remembered it well, the weird look she had given the blonde, that nonchalant smile from behind sunglasses that she got in return. They had laughed, but it had meant a lot to her. No one had ever said anything like that to her before. It was sort of weird, but sort of awesome. She hadn't really thought about it in years, but now it felt like yesterday. The first year they had been friends had been the best. It was only a few years ago, but it felt like decades. What she wouldn't have given to be a carefree and clueless freshman again.

When Mack pulled away from her and stood, going to get her things, Tatum watched her closely with a slightly trembling lip. She wanted to be strong, just let it go, but it wasn't easy. This whole fight had been a ridiculous idea, and she cursed herself for ever getting it into her head that it was a good one. It had been terrible, she hadn't proved a point, hadn't defended Frankie, hadn't even landed a half-decent punch. It was all a waste, and on top of that, now there was this unspeakable moment of weakness between them and the awkwardness she could already feel settling in the air.

She knew she would stay with Frankie, wanted to be with her, loved her desperately. As long as Frankie would have her, she would be there. But how long could she keep this from her? Keep acting like she didn't know everything now? How long before she would have to tell her that she had kissed Mack? She wanted nothing more than to run to her own room and hide until graduation. She didn't think she could deal with the pressure of it all coming down on her head.

She wanted Mack to stop, especially when she saw her choking up again, and she began to do the same. Her lips were trembling, and she bit hard onto the bottom one, trying to stop it, and trying to calm herself. Her hands, balled into fists in her lap, struggled to stay stationary.

"Do you remember that movie I made you watch? After Brittany Murphy died? I said it was one of the best things she ever did?" she asked casually, although her voice was thick from crying, and she sniffling afterward. She asked as if Mack hadn't announced she was going to walk away; she was pretending she didn't hear it. If she didn't acknowledge her, Mack couldn't just leave her here. "Do you remember my favorite part?"

It was desperation again, her brain trying to think up something, anything, to keep them talking this out. She didn't care if Mack really remembered, wasn't sure she even would; she had probably made the older girl watch a thousand movies during their friendship. And this one hadn't been a particularly special viewing. But it was one of Tatum's favorites, and the quote had always stuck with her.

"Sometimes we.. love people so much that we have to be numb to it. Because if we actually felt how much we love them, it would kill us. That doesn't make you a bad person. It just means your heart is too big," she recited the line carefully, sniffling again. "That's me and you. And me and her. If you knew how much I actually.. Mack, I can't even explain it. Y-You're both everything to me and I don't know what to do," she managed, inhaling sharply in an attempt to stave off more tears.

"I wish I could be numb to it, cause then it wouldn't b-be so.. fucking hard."

	From: notonyourteam	Date: May 26th, 2011 05:11 am (UTC)		(Link)

Mackenzie wished that Tatum had just let her walk away, she was extremely close to losing it. She wished that she could just turn around at that point and walk away from the redhead. It was the least painful thing to do, run away. Maybe that was her father’s thinking when he left them. Maybe her mother was right, she was too much like her father sometimes. But she stayed rooted to the spot, nodding numbly when Tatum asked her about the movie. Of course she remembered that movie, she remembered almost every single thing that her and Tatum had ever done together. She had tons of stupid picture’s pinned around her desk of her and the redhead.

Her defenses were starting to nag at the back of her mind, telling her to lash out at the redhead, to keep her at arms length. What the hell had she been thinking? Telling Tatum her deepest, darkest secret. It hadn’t really made anything better, it hadn’t changed anything, it just made things awkward between the two of them. It changed everything.

There would always be a her, there would always be Frankie, Mackenzie felt stupid thinking that there wouldn’t be. That maybe, just maybe, things could change. Frankie was right about her being pathetic, waiting around for someone she couldn’t have. She couldn’t even look at the redhead at the moment, instead studying the grass under her shoes. She needed to walk away, she needed Hunter.

“You know what to do Tatum,” She said, her voice rough from all the crying. Not that it had stopped, she wondered if she could ever get it to stop now that it had started. She had kept it all welled up inside her for so long. “And you know what you’re going to do. And that’s alright, okay? Really, don’t worry about me. I’ll be fine, we‘ll all be fine.” She knew she wouldn’t be, but she had to get the redhead to believe that she would. Tatum would kill herself over worrying about her and she didn’t want to be a burden on the redhead.

She walked over to the miserable redhead and cupped the girls cheek once again. “Hey, you should cheer up Tater Tot,” she said, forcing a smile onto her face. She ran her thumb over the smooth skin of the girls cheek, wiping some of the tears away. She had to be strong for both of them, she had sworn to protect the redhead, even if it was from herself. “You’re so pretty when you smile.” She kissed the girl’s cheek and straightened up, it was time to walk away now. She wouldn’t be able to hold it together much longer.

She ruffled the mess of red hair and turned away from the redhead, making her way across the Quidditch pitch slowly. Her legs felt like lead as she walked and she really wanted nothing more than to turn around and race right back to Tatum. She hoped that the girl knew she wasn’t abandoning her, she just couldn’t handle it anymore today. She needed a break, needed to get away for a while. She needed to figure out what the hell she was going to do, and she couldn’t do that with Tatum sitting right in front of her.